In no way has any scientific research been done for this post, just personal observation of myself. This post is a bit longer than most of my others, so grab a drink, queue up the music, and tune in!
For me confidence is something that comes and goes. Most of the time in social situation it runs away and leaves me behind. There are some observations I have made though, especially in regards to my professional work life, not the same as my social life. One quote I always reference from the public speaking course I was required to take is: "To be confident act confident". For the most part that is true.
I am either confident or I have tricked myself into thinking I am confident at times. I think it has to do with the effort of hiding my mental illness issues in the past. There will be more on this in a bit.
What I want to touch on though is the role confidence has in correlation to other emotions. Especially what I have been seeing with myself at work lately. I went from doing very interesting development work at the beginning of the year and following design, to implementing the technology and completing another task at lightening speed with not much prior knowledge, to being pushed into a dysfunctional team under the thought I'd get them back on track, to moving to an entirely different job. My reaction has been happiness, anger, panic, anxiety, just about everything through the past 6 months.
Is there a correlation to my confidence levels? I tend to believe so, lets analyze.
First it's worth noting that I am a perfectionist and want to see my work through to the end, done right with a functional result. I quickly pick up new technology and techniques (quick learner) and can work well with just about anyone (unless the other party decides to ignore me in which case it's hard to). What I lack though is confidence and often doubt what I develop. I go through a very methodical approach of designing what I am going to do and consulting with the stakeholders prior to implementation. When I get a second opinion I am told what I came up with is pretty rock solid and a good start. I should really be confident in myself because I approach development the right way, but most often I lack confidence.
At the beginning of the year there was moderate structure, limited direction, and I was doing well. I felt that what I was doing was on track and was going to integrate well. I had a solid team to work and collaborate with. If I was struggling or needed a second opinion it was there. I was pretty confident, enjoyed what I was doing, and as a result was pretty happy going into work on a daily basis.
My success gave me incredible visibility and management thought I would be the perfect fit to turn a dysfunctional team into a functional team. This was the last shot they had at success, me turning them around. There was a lot riding on my shoulders. Not only that, the team refused to let me into their circle. I didn't have work to do and no one wanted to communicate with me. I spent my time suggesting changes and writing up status reports. What little work I did get I was setup for failure.
My confidence level was low and I constantly worried about failure and the lack of results. I worried about what this would mean for my future despite it not being my fault and it made me miserable for the duration. Towards the end I got to do some work with them and produce a design beforehand. I was still miserable in the sense that I was still with the group, but that interaction and progress I was able to make drove my confidence level up and I was actually happy working on what I was doing despite the rest of the situation. Within the last little bit on the team I actually thought I had something good to take away.
Next is the change in jobs. That's in the near future, and I am confident I can do amazing work. It will be a new culture, but the change scares me and makes me a bit anxious. I hope to meet their expectations and more. I know I can and am thankful I have been given the chance. I'm looking forward to it.
What does all this have to do with confidence? If I feel too pressured, am not given a realistic time frame (although due to my skill level I can typically produce something), or am thrown into something solo with no support to ask questions to, my confidence level drops quickly. If I begin to lack confidence I start to get angry, anxious, panic, and quickly think I may fail (despite my qualities that will actually lead me to success instead). If I begin to gain confidence I may start to feel invincible and overly confident.
The best example I have is a recent task. I've had to do design and implementation. I felt very confident throughout the design. Once the design grew in complexity though I began to wonder if I could actually complete it on time. But as I start to implement in small pieces I am finding it to be not so bad after all. My confidence levels are rising and I am starting to feel I may actually have it done ahead of schedule.
The lesson I have learned from all of this is to stand up for myself and what I do. Continue to go about development the way I do. Or anything else in my life really. Just being oneself and doing good things has paid off. This has been leading to advancement in my career and different people fighting over me.
If I have confidence in myself I can be happy knowing that I do things correctly and have done the best I can do. In regards to my past/recovery with mental illness I look at myself as I am in a better place today than I was a few years ago. I let the thought of my struggles with mental illness get me down and make me think my career had been destroyed sometimes (in some ways it's true, in most ways it's not).
My career got derailed a little, and I dealt with discrimination/stereotypes, but if I look at the larger picture I am just taking a different path. A path that I am beginning to take control over, allowing me to do what I want with my life. The road I am headed down is probably even better than the road I was going to head down before and much more flexible.
If you take a moment to look where you were then, where you are today, and just where things may be going tomorrow, there could be some surprises over just how much better a path is working out than originally thought. Try to have confidence knowing you are doing everything you can do to be successful and hopefully you'll find yourself stronger like myself and a little happier.
Even if you're struggling with an illness or addiction, look for the positive, what you are doing to overcome it or even just that thought that you know you need to overcome it or want to overcome it. Maybe you want to use your struggles to help someone else. There are different ways to turn your struggles into something more positive. Have confidence knowing you are living the best you can.
You can use that emotion to drive some pretty powerful change and ideas in yourself or the world.
Stand up for you. One step at a time. You are strong.
