Stigma, the Darkness, and the Light

It's easy for us all to throw around blame during our darkest of moments. It's easy for us to get lost within the darkest thoughts of our mind when we are in crisis. I've come to a realization this evening that I'd like to write about. A realization that just came to me as I have been reflecting on my recent state of crisis. It's been 5 years since I was this impaired from the self awareness I usually have. That high level of self awareness is coming back though and I realized tonight it is still there. If I put myself first it will always be there and that's one of the lessons I am learning from the crisis I've been in lately.

As I continue to get through this latest crisis and begin to look at the lessons learned the number one lesson keeps coming back to "communication". 5 years ago I knew something was wrong and put myself first but I didn't address the problem and had no idea what to do this time around. All I had were my bad experiences that kept me from addressing myself as needed last time that nearly kept me from doing the same this time. What I had this time was the loss of two friends that said "wake up, you are going down the same path" that really made me realize I needed to seek help and put myself first.

Seeking help this time around, as was the case last time (in that I left college to focus on myself), has saved my life yet again. The dark days aren't gone entirely and I am learning to accept that is just a part of who I am and I will continue to get through them just as I have done before. I've also learned this time around that it is ok to talk and address what I am dealing with. For the first time I am openly talking about what it is I am dealing with and the worst of the thoughts I have. I'm learning that just because I think or feel something doesn't mean I am going to act on it. That alone is helping me build self confidence in the ability to get through the many difficult emotions I deal with at times.

Guilt has driven many of my decisions to stay in some situations I've needed to get out of. I am a very caring person and get a lot out of helping others. I am committed in whatever I do and am not the one to  "give up". I have an instinct to keep on fighting and one that tends to tells me I am invincible, just to repress the thoughts I have and move on. That's what I have been taught all along though: whether it's my parents telling me I am fine, nothing is wrong, and to just be happy; or whether it's the discrimination I've dealt with at work that tells me it's not ok to address my issues; or if it's not being addressed in a support group because I've been a leader and am therefore supposed to be "perfect".

Those are some of the reasons it has taken this long and the recent circumstances to realize how important it is to first and foremost make sure I, myself, am ok before stepping out to help others. The ability to make this decision, the support of friends and family I've received throughout this difficult time, and the strength I am developing from it is what I hope others will be able to see. I hope that I can be an inspiration to others to get the help they need when they need it. I have dealt with the guilt and the dark thoughts and still do but we really have to focus on ourselves. Some of us can't speak and some are very indecisive as I have been. Some see the quietness and the indecisiveness as selfishness.

It's not selfishness. Some aren't sure what to do and how to handle the guilt. Some feel like they are going to be blamed for problems afterwards. The problem is in not communicating well enough when we are struggling so those around us can better understand and be supportive to the best of their ability. I have friends with several different view points. There is a stigma in the mental health community as well but it manifests itself in the form of guilt and our desire to help out everyone around us who is struggling. We've dealt with the general stigma and have been through such dark times we want to be there for and help everyone. Lets take a moment though to step back and look at our own selves.

Lets make sure we are ok ourselves. Lets continue to support one another in the difficult times we deal with. I am grateful to have the friends that I do and the support that we are able to give to one another. What we need is to be able to be open, to understand, and accept, when each of us find ourself in a place that warrants more self focus and stepping back to ensure we continue to move forward. It's a little early for my new years resolution but my effort in the short term is to make sure I am myself and continue to be there for my friends. I have also learned I only need a small group of great friends rather than a large group of friends who may not know me all that well. Be well, and happy holidays.

Dealing with Stress

How has everyone been the past few months? For me the stress surrounding my job being taken away, looking for a new job, and getting acquainted with my new job took a bit of a toll. That on top of managing everything else I was doing left me with not a lot of time for what I enjoyed and am passionate about. The good news is that the field is beginning to level out again; I've enjoyed the local activities picked up this year; and I'm able to focus on my own recovery again at a manageable level. That all said I once again plan to start picking back up the posts here on Voices for Awareness.

Lots of great topics I want to cover over the next few months:

1. What is the word the awareness and anti-stigma campaigns around the world are trying to spread?
2. Mindfulness meditation and the value it has when used to cope with mental illness
3. Relapse prevention, steps, strategies, and ways to identify and deal with triggers
4. Coming out of the shadows to seek help, the benefits vs staying silent
5. Seeking help from groups, my views and experience
6. Intervention, recognizing something is wrong, and rational actions during irrational thoughts

Those are some of the topics I plan to get around to covering. If you have a topic you would like me to write about let me know and I'll work it into the plans. Those topics have come from people I know and questions I see among others over the past few months. So lets get to some methods of dealing with stress.

I had started building a support network at the end of the year when I sought help again, but little did I know what was ahead of me, how much quicker I'd have to build it, and what benefit would come. I went into the process optimistically. Not entirely knowing who I would meet, who would stick around, how comfortable I'd be after exposing myself, and how I would handle myself after I'd been exposed.

These questions all hit me at the same time but due to the medication I had been started on was able to more rationally overcome the worries. Steps I took to deal with the stress included:

1. Calling friends and family whenever I needed to talk
1. Since I had opened up to them they better understood, some better than others. This allowed me to express myself and rather than letting the stress build I got it out. The people I spoke to and trusted began to validate what I was going through and let me know it would be ok.
2. I had serious doubts, but I knew those closest to me weren't going to let anything bad happen.
2. Listened to relaxing music. Ambient music became a huge stress relief. Listening to that type of music, breathing, and working to calm down brought me back under control especially before bedtime. This took a lot of practice and patience but has greatly helped.
3. Attending support groups. Support groups aren't therapy but I am able to go to them and freely speak without being judged. I get advice from others, vent, and help others as well.
4. Placing myself into the mind of the opponent. Sometimes you just know you are right. Sometimes you know your opponent has a valid point and just isn't going about expressing it the right way. Undue stress can be caused by that type of situation but there are ways to deal with it in a healthy and productive way. Attempt to place yourself in the opponents shoes for a moment; this allows you to begin understanding their argument and suggesting your own solutions while using their own so as not to step on toes and be completely shutdown.

Those four methods have mainly been the base of how I deal with my stress now. The four methods tie into the earlier six bullets as well that I will cover another time. I've learned these from people I know and have met since becoming more accepting and open about my illness.

I am glad to be back and look forward to more posts to help the community out there.

Fellow Mental Health [V]Bloggers to Start 2012

As a welcome into 2012 I would like to dedicate a post to some other blogs and vlogs out there I have been following for the past 1-2 years. The highlights posts was getting a bit long, so we have a second.

I have selected 3 for this particular post and will write about more in the future.

Free Your Mind Campaign: http://free-your-mind-campaign.blogspot.com/

The Free Your Mind Campaign was started by Nicola as a result of abuse and prejudice within a psych ward located in England. She speaks through her experiences, advocates, and fights the stigma with: art, music, film, and culture. I have been following her campaign and look forward to FYM's 2012 success.

I Drank the Sea Water: http://www.youtube.com/user/idranktheseawater

I Drank the Sea Water is an excellent vlog to follow. She has done mini movies about various mental illness topics, a vlog accounting for her progress through treatment, and written a book: Lady Injury. I find her inspiring and giving people hope through a very unique and inspiring perspective.

Sullen Girl - http://www.youtube.com/user/xsullengirlx

Christie has been speaking out about mental health and providing self injury support. One of the reasons I like her vlog so much is she tells issues how they are. She gets right to the point and speaks. This one is hard to sum up but definitely one to check out if you want to know more about the reality of M.I.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year!

2012 Direction and End of 2011 Highlights

I planned to write this post on New Years Eve or New Years Day but delayed it as I increased my advocacy and activism at the local level due to the November employment events. However, those events have pushed forward some exciting and important plans for the Voices for Awareness campaign in 2012. That said these plans have been in planning for some time and are always a work in progress being refined to meet the needs and voices of the world wide mental health community. Voices for Awareness can use your help and experiences to spread the word too, more on that to come later in the update.

Before diving into the 2012 direction though, a quick recap of 2011. In 2011 I began my campaign after following several blogs and vlogs others maintained, having been helped and inspired by them. I realized how much I could offer through my own experiences and that silence wasn't the answer. Speaking out helps myself, others, and in return fights stigma; allowing more of us to seek help and treatment. I was successful in getting my career on track, started seeking help again, lost my job to the stigma, and began taking the campaign on the road locally with the anticipation of expanding the borders in 2012.

Originally unsure about medication my medication has actually been helping. I have been consulting with a competent doctor who listens to me and ensures I am getting the care I need. Rather than my medication being stopped soon after starting as in the past this doctor made sure I knew about the medication and gave it a chance to start working. The only downfall I've had are some affects on my short term memory.

#1: In my last post I spoke about stigma in the workforce and the experience I had in November 2011 just before the holidays. I mentioned I didn't want to take the issue to court and just wanted to spread awareness. The good news is that I will be taking the issue to the U.S. Congress to be heard as well as local legislative branches. I will be working on a submission going directly through a U.S. Senator. I will post more as the plan unfolds, but am going to be appealing for our rights as mental health patients.

#2: Another plan for this coming year is to become involved in public speaking campaigns around my local community. I hope to make several groups of people aware about what is around them and what some of their peers may even be going through. The longer term goal with this is to go national, then worldwide.

#3: Along the same lines as public speaking I will be writing an account of my story for those who request it and are looking to use it for spreading awareness and providing support to others. The account will be written only and can be used on blogs, vlogs and support sites to start. I only speak English, but recipients are welcome to translate it into other languages. Just let me know a max length and format so it fits. I'll tweak this process as time goes on, but just starting out need to set some basic guidelines.

#4: One last plan I would like to mention is the involvement I want to build from others dealing with a mental illness and those caring or who know someone with a mental illness. My own family has benefitted from me opening up and sharing my story with them. I have some ideas to go about this but am still coming up with a way to do it. I am thinking possibly essay format posts similar to mine telling your story. Those writing about caring for someone could write about how they found out, how they reacted initially, why they reacted that way, what they are doing to deal with it now, and what they think should be different. The goal behind this would be to show the negative impact stigma's had and a care givers willingness and desire to help, but they don't know how because the stigma has suppressed information from getting out. The same goes for the people with a mental illness, wanting to get help but fearing repercussions. The format doesn't have to be entirely as I described and could be ended with a success story. Just ideas.

There is more in progress that I may be able to share later once I have more information.

I wish a good year to everyone out there. We will never give up hope.

E-mail: voices.for.awareness@gmail.com

Stigma in the Workforce

I am dedicating this blog to awareness about the stigma surrounding mental illness in the professional workforce. Whenever in public I feel this shadow cast over me because of what I go through on a daily basis. It's bad enough that I have the illness, and the stigma makes it worse. I've managed to fill in most of my family now and the reaction has been mostly tears and wishing they could understand better, not quite what I expected but welcomed. Next I want to get them involved with my awareness campaign.

I finally began feeling pretty secure at my job, no one even knew I had generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I was extremely productive, did something I enjoy, and had a team that accepted me for who I was, or at least presented myself to be, since I didn't share my battles. My battles with mental illness didn't need to be brought up though, and the team helped me learn more about myself when they didn't even know it. My illnesses are just that, illnesses, they never defined who I am. I began to better understand my anxiety better and my team helped me come to the realization that I needed to seek help.

I had dealt with depression before, but generalized anxiety disorder was new to me diagnosis wise and I had been brushing it off as something that would just pass over. I sought help, am glad I did, and slowly see myself beginning to get better. Seeing the doctor added a new diagnosis to my record and ended up resulting in unnecessary responses. I started my awareness campaign based on the negative encounters I had with people during college, the darkest of my days, hoping I will one day make a positive impact helping the lesser educated understand mental health better. In the past couple weeks my latest employer joins the motivation and passion I have to get the word out, just not in the light I had been hoping for.

I won't discuss any names or locations of people and places, but take this information and please realize those of us with mental illness are people too. We are just like those taking medicine for high blood pressure. We are not criminals, mental illnesses comes in different severities, and we can be quite productive. There is more information now, we are not the risk and threat people thought in the past. This post may be the only justice and awareness I can get out over my situation. I don't consider myself disabled; I don't want compensation over the situation; I don't want to sit back and let those responsible for this just get away without understanding. I want people to be aware so this doesn't happen to others.

My job that I had loved so much, that took 3-4 months before I finally settled in, gave me a reason to wake up each day. I was at last doing the type of work I wanted to do and with a team who formed a small family within the office. We had our own friendly little culture, joking, bringing food and sweets in. I am really going to miss them and what happened to me caused anger and tears among them too. This doesn't just affect me, but it impacts the group of people around me too. I ended up addressing them so they understood just how strong I'd become and that it wasn't my decision to leave.

There is too much power in the hands of the person that took my job from me. I should have been looked at for who I was, not the illness. Yes, if completely untreated, some of those worst case scenarios could happen. Did I have to be taken from my job immediately? No. I sought help so those worst case scenarios never saw any light. Is the workforce trying to promote hiding and covering up the inner battles we have? I really hope not, seeking help has been one of the best things I have ever done. After 7 years I finally have a medication and treatment plan that is working for me. I never gave up hope, and don't plan to. I have done extensive research and investigation into myself to understand why I have the illnesses I do. I may be getting closer, but something for sure is that I have finally learned how to better manage them.

Not only was my job taken from me, but I was then thrown into isolation. Someone with generalized anxiety disorder and depression need to be around people, not alone. We are people just like you.

More of us are starting to seek help each day. The numbers of people dealing with mental illnesses is coming to light as the years go on. One day there could be no one left to work if this stigma is allowed to continue on. Please look at the big picture and think before just pushing us aside. We are your best friends, your hardest workers, and those there for you in your time of need. Do us a favor and look at us for who we are just as we look at you for who you are. At least understand we are like everyone else.

Those of us dealing with mental illness will continue to seek help. We will not be deterred.

I remain hopeful to prove to people one day that mental illness is just that an illness. We can be productive, loving, caring, and successful. Give us a chance and watch us flourish.

Recovery and Seeking Help: Part 2

The last post I made was in regards to a step backwards progress-wise and my upcoming doctor appointment to try and figure out what is going on with me. That appointment was last Friday and I would like to reflect back on it, the outcome, and where I think I am headed in the future from it.

The core issues that I spoke with the doctor about - Other than essential tasks to survive, such as; going to work or the grocery store for food, arriving at an airport, etc - I find it nearly impossible to leave my home and do something. I get very nauseous, have trouble breathing, and am brought down to my knees. Panic attacks and anxiety overcome me most of the time and it takes everything in my to put a stop to them. Another issue is relapse of self-injury, although not nearly as severe as it used to be. Based off of these issues the doctor diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).

Generalized Anxiety Disorder is frequent/constant worry and anxiety over many different events. Anxiety can crop up for no reason even without hardly anything to provoke it. For anyone that wants more detailed information on GAD I will put a couple links at the bottom of the post. Just to include some of the symptoms though, all ones I experience, from the National Library of Medicine:

• Difficulty concentrating
• Fatigue
• Irritability
• Problems falling or staying asleep, and sleep that is often restless and unsatisfying
• Restlessness, and often becoming startled very easily

The idea is if my GAD can be treated perhaps the other issues will begin to clear up too. I really hope that is the case and am trying to stay optimistic. I feel there are other issues too, but need to take one step at a time and see where the GAD treatment leads first. I am comfortable with and trust the doctor I am seeing, something I didn't have in the past with psychiatrists. He focuses on the issues you tell him about and he wants to have monthly followups with me to ensure I am getting the best care possible.

The initial treatment plan doesn't involve any counselors. I have been prescribed Paxil (Paroxetine), an anti-depressant used to treat depression, panic disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder, to name a few. It's supposed to take roughly 1-2 weeks for the meds to actually start taking effect. Potentially 4-6 weeks  for depression to start going away from what I have read. In the meantime I am thinking about attending local National Alliance on Mental Illness support groups where I can share my experience with people like me. NAMI groups would also provide a way of asking about counselors in the area who care and are friendly, giving me the opportunity to include that in my treatment eventually.

So far there is not much to report since I have only been on Paxil for 9 days. The side effects were fairly severe when I first started the medicine: I was constantly nauseous and exhausted. The nausea isn't as frequent or as bad as it initially was and I was told all of these types of medication cause that. That likely explains the problem I had with Welbutrin in the past and its withdrawal. At least this time I understand what is going on and have someone who understands what they are prescribing me.

As a result I have started taking Pepcid Complete more frequently again and it seems to help. I might take it every 12 hours like I do when I get gastritis just as a precautionary measure. As for being sleepy, that is still an issue, but is a little more manageable. I do best on the weekends when I can take a nap whenever I want. I'm considering a switch to taking the Paxil before I go to bed and seeing if that helps.

I have noticed changes in my mood and appetite even though my mood and anxiety aren't cured. When I drive to work in the morning I feel a bit more relaxed now and my appetite is starting to come back. Before where I had to force myself to eat something just because I need to eat a small piece of lasagna now leaves me still hungry. Not only that, while at work I will start to lose energy and if I eat something or drink a soda my body starts to balance out again. This coming week I will probably try to get out and do a couple things and see if I am becoming more relaxed as I think I am.

Sleep has become slightly more balanced during the night, but still has some work to go. I am able to go to bed a bit early than I used to which is good for my work situation, although I wake up earlier. Both could be positive changes. The self-injury this last week also wasn't as frequent with the medication helping to balance me out. I won't post the self-injury details since they are irrelevant.

In the coming weeks I will post updates about how the treatment is going and follow ups with the doctor. I have a doctor who cares, I am comfortable with and a family standing behind me and supporting me through this. Not to mention I am more focused on myself this time. I've let people into my world, something I vowed I would never do 6 1/2 years ago, and it really has made a difference. I don't have to fight this alone this time around, and neither do you if you're out there struggling.


Note: I hope to return to youtube soon and haven't forgotten about everyone there.


http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001915/ (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad/index.shtml
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001037/ (Paxil [Paroxetine])
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/generalized-anxiety-disorder/DS00502

Recovery and Seeking Help: Part 1

Fall is among us, the leaves are beginning to fall, and the temperature is beginning to drop outside. September was usually a month I could turn off the A/C and open up the windows. Place some fans and was good to go. Nice and relaxing to come home and just relax in a cool environment. This is also the worst time of year for me typically. Thoughts of what happened 4 years ago revisit my mind, although it's not as bad as a year after. Each year had seemed to get better, except this year I've noticed a little progress in the opposite direction.

I have not returned to when I was the worst, but I want to make sure that doesn't happen. There are steps I have taken to try and make sure this doesn't happen, one in particular, not stay quite as silent this time. I've initiated steps that are a little quicker than I would like them to be, but I think that's also part of my mind speaking against me. At the same time I really see that it's best to try and tackle this before it's too late.

So what am I doing differently this time around that I have learned from the past? First I've tried to admit to myself that there may actually be a problem. What the exact problem is I am not entirely sure, it could be a number of things, but my mood seems to bounce between extremes at the flip of a switch. Not only that, but there is also a fear of abandonment brewing and uncertainty what is going to happen if I lose full control of what I try to do to get through this. What I am trying to do to get through this is threefold, may be too much.

Admitting to the issue was the first step, but I realize I need to do more than that. I even need to do more than blog about my issues. I need to talk to someone about my issues, who though I am trying to figure out. There are a couple options I have in mind, some more appealing/comforting than others. I have set up a doctors appointment with the family doctor as a way to try and initiate the initial process of seeking help. He is the person I first saw six and a half years ago, and the only one I feel that understood me. I am hoping maybe he can point me in the right direction, and my family would really like to see me talk to him as well.

I told someone close to me in my family that something seems to be coming back. I did this for two reasons: I want people close to me to understand what is really going on, and maybe they can better support me and not be so judgmental towards others. The second reason is it gives something else to help hold me accountable. What I am struggling with a lot is fear of abandonment, because I really don't know how everyone is going to react, based on parts of my past. I am also really unsure what happens after my doctors appointment.

Aside from those steps I have been taking other steps as well to try and seek help. I have read online sources, listened to radio shows, listen to music, watch television, game, a variety of different activities. What I think may help me the most is a form of help online, or some other local options in my community I am still trying to explore. Those reasons though are why I think my approach may be a little too rushed, because I am unsure entirely what is going to work best for me. I don't want things to go in the wrong direction again and shutdown. Another fear I have is what impact this would have on employment, but seeking help should hopefully be viewed as a positive thing and it's very important to focus on your health above anything else.

Different this time for sure though, is that I am not completely silent like I was before. I want to maintain control of my life, and I have more tools this time around that I am aware of, many listed above. While I may be fearful I think that's all part of the issues I experience. It was just this year I really started trying to uncover problems I have dealt with and face them head on. I don't want to repress everything like I used to and I want to have full control over my life. Starting to face my issues may even be why I have taken a step backward. Something I know for sure though is that I want to stay committed and recover fully.

The Need to Be Yourself

Greetings everyone. Just Saturday was TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms) Awareness Day (link at bottom of post). If you didn't get to do anything for it it's not too late. Every day is awareness and support day. Before I get on to the main topic I have planned for this post I thought it would be worth mentioning I finally came out to some family about this blog. It is my hope that through the personal contacts I have I can answer the questions those closest to me have always had and spread awareness out through them as well. Those close to me have actually wanted to try and understand and be able to better support me, but until now I haven't felt ready. Time will tell how well this works out, but I feel it's an important step in recovery.

If I look back on the last 8 years of my life, more so the last 2 years, there is the theme of wanting to be myself. Who I am is caring, loving, and accepting of many different people and their cultures. I enjoy online games, music, and traveling to new places. Since I graduated college and began working I have lost the part meeting many new people and being able to travel when I want and to where I want. Most of all I've been trying to move on and focus on the future, completely forgetting about my past. Bad idea though.

The battles of yesterday make us who we are today. If we begin to ignore a major part of who we are then who are we? My effort to bury the past began with trying to satisfy employers for my career. While I am much better off now than I used to be 6 years ago, not being myself entirely is bringing back some of the problems. Not being myself has started bringing out anger and numbness on top of existing issues.

The way I've been stereotyped by employers and other people around me is why I went to such lengths to bury my past in the first place. I was ashamed and scared about what others think about me. I went to efforts to please others regardless of what it was doing to me. Until recently I really didn't realize how much that was negatively affecting me. Now I am in a situation I am not so sure I really want to be in.

Flashbacks to what I've struggled with are stronger than they ever have been. Relapse is closer than it ever has been if it hasn't even begun. Perhaps I am a bit in denial with what's going on right now. Did my issues really even go away though? I really don't know the answer and it's a bit scary. So even though I am better off now because I have grown up a bit and learned more ways to deal with my issues I am not the person I am and want to be. Being the person I am has almost become impossible, something needs to change.

Not being myself in return makes me even more unhappy. I am unsure about my job because I am unhappy with myself and not sure what I want. One of the most important lessons I am learning now is regardless of what others think you need to be yourself. This is something that I am going to need help with and don't think I can do alone. However, what is somewhat in my control is my career. I struggle to get out and about to meet people for a number of reasons, but not being myself also interferes with meeting like people.

I am now taking steps to be myself. This means embracing the issues I have struggled with and accepting what has already happened. I can't change what has happened in the past, and if the people I am around can't accept that then I can move on. I won't give up right away, but I have to focus more on myself. Going forward I want to be able to be friends with everyone and not have to hide who I really am. I avoided the swimming pool this summer because I feared what others would think of my scars. I've avoided doing simple activities that are around small numbers of people even and hope to be able to change this.

No one is perfect, so lets not act like it. No one way is the right way to live either. There are so many different kinds of people and cultures, that's one thing that I really like about the world. Some people have worse problems than others, mine is relatively small compared to others out there. We're all in this world together, whether we agree completely with everyone or not. Lets at least try to accept one another. 

To Write Love On Her Arms: http://www.twloha.com

Voices for Awareness does not have an association with TWLOHA.

Addiction and Destructive Behavior

Good morning everyone. Hopefully it hasn't been as hectic for everyone as it has me the past couple weeks. I've traveled, met some new people in the online realm of gaming, watched TV,  and picked up new music. Regardless I'm managing to get on top of everything and want to provide another post.

In my struggle to meet new people there is one key factor that gets in the way the most. That is maintaining the activities that I enjoy and finding similar people who accept those same activities. For example I enjoy playing video games, Massively Multiplay Online (MMO) games in particular these days. I used to play First Person games, but found I enjoyed the MMO scene quite a bit. There are a lot of people addicted to games to the point of playing 9 hours a day though and I get looked at like one of them anytime I mention to someone new that I enjoy MMOs. In another case there are members of my family who smoke. I have seen first hand through them how destructive smoking is, wouldn't start myself, and wish they could stop. However my experiences with self injury and depression have opened my mind up to the world of addiction, the destruction addiction causes, and how difficult it is to get out. I may not self injure like I used to, but the thoughts and cravings are still there.

I hope to open everyones eyes a bit more to what addiction really is, potential causes, affects, after affects, and even the stereotypes that result from ones behavior. There are several forms, the ones I will use are from either personal experience or family who are close to me.

The dictionary definition of addiction is:
Compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful - Merriam Webster

What this really means is that someone is hooked to something and doesn't have it in their own control to be able to stop or keep the activity in moderation at healthy levels. To quote Dawson McAllister, "if you could have stopped on your own, you would have already done it." I truly believe those words and my experiences will follow.

How I got into self injury in the first place I don't know. All I remember is that it was something I did on impulse to cope with the feelings I was having at the time. The details of how I did it, where, and all that information isn't something that needs to be discussed here, just that it started in the first place. I didn't know how else to deal with the feelings I had and self injury was there for me (see other posts on the blog for alternatives to self injury such as music, gaming, and friends). What was the underlying cause behind my mental health issues in the first place? I am still trying to figure that out, but as in earlier posts I tend to believe it was associated with darker aspects of my past. Did I want to stop? Partly yes, mostly no, I feared losing who I was and how I would deal with problems when self injury was gone.

In another case there is a member in my family who smokes. She started before people knew it was bad and became hooked. She has tried to stop before but always returns. Does she want to stop? I am not entirely sure, only she can answer that question. What I do know is that she can't stop on her own, regardless of what other people keep saying. I hear time and time again that she could just pick up and stop that she's not addicted. Then why if it's so harmful, she is in such bad shape, knows how bad it is, and tells others never to start, she won't stop smoking?

One last case I would like to share is someone who was very close to me and I still regard as a wonderful person regardless of what they are involved in. Prior to my experience with depression and self injury and knowing someone who was involved with drugs I was very much not informed about addiction and how separate it is from personality. I tried to get this person to stop doing drugs and at the same time tried to get them to stop several other things and the response I would get was "then what do I do?" This was a wonderful person caught up in destructive behavior trying to cover up the pain caused by deeper issues. I didn't have a good answer for them at the time, they had depression too, and this was their method of dealing with the pain just like my self injury. At this point I learned of my own addiction to self injury, what it really meant, and how it wasn't really much different from other behaviors.

What was the point of sharing these experiences? To show that addiction is deeper than "i'm addicted and can't stop" and the "you can stop if you want" responses a lot of the time. To begin combating addiction you need to start digging to the root of it, figure out how to move beyond the past. Those with someone close to them dealing with addiction, don't be hostile to the person, but don't provide the means to continue, and most importantly show the person that you love them, care about them, be direct and straight with them. If need be even help them get some counseling and let them know you'll be there every step of the way to help them if they agree to help and that they are going to be ok.

Just because someone is addicted or struggling doesn't mean they are a bad person. Like those with the common cold or go to the doctors for an illness, people with mental health issues or addiction are just the same. We are all the same, just dealing with different and more complex but not so well understood issues. Many people are addicted, but most need help to stop, to quote A&E's show Intervention.

Just because some people are addicted to something doesn't mean everyone else is either.

Dawson McAllister | Help and Inspiration #1

Before I get involved with the upcoming busy week I thought it would be helpful to share an inspirational and helpful person I pay attention to on a weekly basis if not a few times a week. I would like to try and highlight different people on occasion to provide everyone with more tools to get through what they are dealing with. Whether it be passively watching a vlog, listening or calling into a radio station, talking to someone online, getting in touch with family or friends, there is help out there for you.

Sunday nights at 10pm EST (9pm CST, 7pm PST, 3am GMT) I listen to a radio show for many different types of support. If you need help or someone to talk to Dawson McAllister will take your calls on Sunday nights (United States). Available support doesn't stop there though, a hopeline is available all week with hope coaches. You can e-mail, chat online, or call in. What I like about Dawson is that he approaches people's topics head on and is direct about what needs to happen. The radio show is more of a self intervention, after talking to Dawson callers get sent to the hopeline. If you need help and don't feel like you can talk to family or friends Dawson and the hopeline could be an excellent alternative. Not only will they talk to you, but they will make and effort to help you get the help you may need. I have not called in, but have been a listener and find it both really inspirational and helpful.

I'm not sure if there are restrictions listening online out of the United States or not since I have no way to test, but give it a try. There is a lot of information on his blogs and still online support available.

Dawson/Hopeline:
https://www.facebook.com/DawsonMcAllister
http://www.thehopeline.com/

Bullying and the Affects on Mental Health

A subject that hits home very much and I think is important to cover: Bullying. This can take many shapes and forms and be encountered anywhere. I experienced it in grade school, it has happened to me in the work place, and the place I expected it least till the last 4 years, online, the world wide web. The following post will go through what I deal with today and work back to roughly 1995, the early school days. Lets begin.

Before long I am going to be back to no caffeine, no tomato, nothing even the slightest acidic, just plain pasta and rice. I have been going downhill again, quick, and the addiction to caffeine and large intake is partly to blame. I've come to the conclusion that it helps numb me a bit and lessen some of the intense feelings I get. Gastritis and stomach problems aren't new to me, just something that comes and goes on an almost yearly basis. It's something that can be largely attributed to stress, caffeine, and acidic foods. It's a form of acid reflux. Another cause can be alcohol, but my intake there has been almost none in the past year. I do attribute some of my problems though to my lowest point 3 1/2 years ago when I had a bit too much.

So what does this have to do with bullying you say? I think it has a lot to do if I look back to childhood.

Very early in school was ok, not horrible. Elementary school as they call it in the states. There was just the typical teasing of one another and chasing people around the playground. Back then I even had it in me to talk to other people and socialize. That changed very quickly though about 1997, middle school.

Middle school is the age where people start changing rooms between classes, get lockers, and all that. This was the first opportunity that people could really start being mean to one another with barely any consequence. If you reported bullying you got labeled as a snitch by your peers and harassed even more. The superiors, such as teachers, and principals didn't even care to intervene. As I try to understand what's wrong with me and the underlying cause behind my issues with mental illness, I think the problems start here.

There were a number of encounters I had with different people who will remain nameless throughout this post. You may think I would have forgotten their names, but names and encounters all still feel very real as they just happened yesterday. You could say it contributes to my resistance to meet new people. Bullying has an everlasting affect on your target, it's not as harmless as you may think when you're involved with it. Especially at a young age the consequences seem like all fun and games. Educate yourself a bit, follow my experiences, and see what you can do to help combat the ever growing world of bullying and mean spirit.

One guy had nothing better to do than throw insults at me. The insults started with my clothes, because I wasn't wearing the most expensive brand out there. Because of my clothes and desire to do well in school it progressed to objects being thrown at me, scissors in one case. Then came the threats to "jump me", the term people used then and still do today to beat someone up. It even went to the point where I considered it to be death threats. Threats to meet somewhere complete with weapons. Crazy to think about at a young age.

On another occasion someone had nothing better to do than name calling. One day this guy had the nerve to attempt to choke me. My friend stood up to me and he nearly got knocked in the head.

Another day someone had the brilliant idea to start stealing from me, wasn't like I was popular and mattered. Not even the principal stood up for me, said there was nothing he could do and wouldn't get involved. Despite there being full knowledge of who was involved and indirect admission of guilt. Theft is a separate issue of bullying, however; I consider the underlying issue behind why it happened to do with bullying.

One last real life example I've dealt with is the response to my shyness back in school. I was very shy, and as such had very few friends, but I did have them. If I made the effort to try and meet someone new, a girl for example, I'd be made fun of and denounced by guys as unworthy or laughed at. This was the whole good guy vs bad guy mentality that is stuck within young children and teens these days. I was the good guy.

Those were all real life examples, but the same happens online (in gaming for example) today. Since the bullying happens online, people aren't as responsible for their actions because no one really knows who they are. Therefore they feel they can do whatever they want. Real people are behind the screens though and despite it being online and dealing with avatars, the real life consequences are still very real.

So what does bullying have to do with mental health? It forms and provides the roots for some core issues.

The people who did those things to me back in school probably thought what they were doing was harmless at the time. One long term effect has been a lack of self esteem. I developed a fear of people as well because I am afraid of how they will react to me and if they will accept me. Listening to the music I like and standing up for my interests in public is even very difficult, because I worry if the guy next to me is going to like the same things. I worry about being made fun of for being myself, like what happened many years ago. These are the core issues I think stem from bullying and have evolved into the more serious conditions I deal with today: anxiety, depression, etc. After 16 years I'm unsure if I'll ever be able to completely get over my past.

These may not be the most extreme of cases that you hear about in the news or which you have experienced since they are not. I won't claim them to be. The purpose of sharing these experiences is to highlight the issue of bullying and ultimately what results of it in the long term. The results get worse as the bullying is gets worse.

Next time you think about telling someone to hurt themselves. You make fun of their weight. Look down on them because they aren't in the popular crowd. Tease them about what they wear and who they hang out with. Ridicule them because of their race, gender, or sexuality. Remember, they are a person, equal as you.

What you say to this person can and will have everlasting affects physically, mentally, and emotionally.

You can make a difference today by putting a stop to any bullying you may be involved with.

Stand up for that person next to you who is being bullied.

This may not get rid of the mental health problems someone has, but you will help them because they can focus more on themselves and not have those false issues in their head that you placed there. In some cases getting rid of this catalyst could even save someone from experiencing a major problem with mental illness.

Most importantly, helping to eradicate bullying will save lives.

The Mental Health System in the U.S.

Hope everyone is well on this hot summer day, or cold winter day, depending where in the world you are.

Today I am doing content slightly different than usual, with the inclusion of a video. The video will pretty much cover the same information I put here, but in less detail so it fits in the time limit and doesn't take the length of a movie to watch. I felt it would be worth trying a shot at a video and seeing how well it goes. The video has been recorded and will be up within the next day once the file has finished rendering and I've watched it a final time to make sure the video came out alright. If I get a good response I'll try to continue and make more, otherwise I'll stick to the writing. I'll be filling out this post with the more detailed experience with the mental health system in the United States. I am able to capture more of what I want in writing compared to videos.

Over the years I have lived in places with very low grades when it comes to the mental health system in the United States. I have to say the grades are pretty much dead on too, the experiences I've had are awful. The U.S. in general greatly suffers when it comes to good mental health support and treatment. I truly believe a lot of this has to do with the stigma out there and lack of understanding. Mental illness though really is the same as any physical illness, just a different problem, so let me tell my experience and help the world learn.

When I first really started having problems at my university I sought the help of a new friend I had made and come to trust. She had experienced some of the same problems and understood what I was going through. It was her who urged me to seek help from someone and go to the counseling center at the university.

Within about a month I had seen a counselor at the university, who really wasn't all that helpful. He definitely wasn't trained to help people like me there. All he could do was say "wow" like he was in shock when I brought up my self harm to him. Within about 4 visits he told me I was over his head and referred me to the university psychiatrist. I didn't want to talk to someone else and explain everything again, but I initially thought maybe I would get the help I needed at the time. I was very wrong though, and only went for one visit.

The psychiatrist told me if I didn't stop my self harm immediately he was going to call the police and have me locked away. I immediately went into self defense mode and shut myself down. I just did what I had to in order to get out of the session. The psychiatrist said I needed a plan for things to do other than self harm. I told him one thing I could do would be to call my family and talk about something else to distract myself. The psychiatrist was in disbelief and questioned why I would talk to my family. For one, I would talk to them because they are the closest to me and will always be the most supportive of me when I need help. That was the last time I saw anyone in my university's counseling center. I cancelled all further appointments, there was no way I could go back to that psychiatrist and they were not equipped to handle my case.

When summer came around my parents found out about what was going on. I initially saw my family doctor. Out of everyone I have seen over the past 6 years, my family doctor is the one I am most comfortable with and who actually knows what I am talking about and how to respond to me. He cannot be the person I see though because he does not deal with mental health issues and isn't knowledgeable in the area of medication and treatment. He did start me on an anti-depressant, but then referred me to a psychiatrist to handle it.

I went to the psychiatrist and on the first visit refused to talk about anything. I was tired of talking to different people and wanted to keep my most private and sensitive thoughts to myself. Since I chose not to talk the psychiatrist made the awkward assumption nothing was wrong with me and stopped my medication. I only fell deeper now that I had both no one to talk to and no medication to help with the depression.

Later that summer my parents went around looking for a psychologist to help me. They investigated the various people in the town nearby to make sure they were ok before sending me to them. My parents actually made a visit and evaluated the guy beforehand and told me everything seemed ok. The psychologist actually did turn out to be ok. I wasn't the most comfortable around him, and he really didn't help all that much, but he was what I needed. I stopped seeing him because I ended up going back to college in the fall and was many hours away. Had I been able to see him longer, I don't know what would have happened, but he helped.

Once I got back to school I didn't see anyone else for quite a while, matter of fact no one at all while at school. I ended up closing everything inside and silently suffering without anyone to help. There was no one who understood and no one who could listen without over reacting. Even my family seemed to treat me differently. I just wanted to be like any other normal person who had a physical illness. I went into my own ways of dealing with the problem and developed a support network of people online and friends. For a year or so that really seemed to be what kept me going, but wasn't exactly professional help and the socially accepted form of treatment by the world. It worked me me though, that's what matters.

Late in my college years my mental illness hit its lowest point, where I made the decision to leave and focus on myself. Focusing on myself and delaying school was one of the hardest things I've had to do, and still hurts, but it was the right thing to do. When I got home I was once again pushed off to a psychiatrist. This psychiatrist only needed to see me for 10 minute visits in regards to the medication he prescribed. My first visit for evaluation I told him I didn't want to be locked up and when he couldn't reassure me well enough I ran out of the office. My parents finished up that visit and came out with the medication prescription.

On following visits at the same office I was to see a psychologist and talk to him about my problems. Like the counselor and psychiatrist at my university, he wasn't very understanding. I didn't open up very much either, it was a very uncomfortable feeling and he didn't seem all that interested in helping me. He seemed more into trying to play mind games with people and got enjoyment out of taunting people. He asked me if I had thought about suicide, which I denied, something I wasn't going to talk about so early on. Something I also wasn't going to talk about because I was afraid of being locked away. And when I told him no he ignore me and took it as yes, then went on to repeatedly say "did it scare you?". Something else I just ignored from him. Within a couple more visits I started making preparations to leave counseling. My medication caused some other medical complications as well. With agreement of the psychiatrist I left counseling and stopped meds.

Afterwards I went back to the support of friends. I made an agreement with a friend to try and stop self harm together. I was more successful than my friend was, and that success went on for years. I am deeply scarred though by my visits to "professionals" within the mental health system. I understand better than anyone of them ever could. Today as stress hits me again and I feel relapse coming on I don't know who to talk to. I don't know what is triggering relapse, but I am afraid of it happening, and could really use a friend who understands. I have a general idea of what the spark it, but it will be years before I figure out a solution to that. I'm starting to think it's something other than depression as well. I don't know though, other than the feelings I've been getting feel all too familiar.

Would I recommend seeking help if you need it? Most definitely. Try to find someone you're comfortable with talking to. Even if it's a friend you can call just to have a conversation with about whatever topic you want. Some help is better than none. I've been in touch with family a lot lately and it's been helping. I have not been open about any mental health related issues though, it's something that for the past 3 years I thought I finally got a grip on and was able to bring under some degree of control. Regardless, I am still better off now than I used to and have more tools now to help me fight than I did before. I will overcome this, I will, and so can you. To the mental health professionals out there, this is how you do not treat someone.

Please learn from my experience, make yourself more knowledgeable, and if you can't help, just listen.

Reflection on College Living

I've seen a couple videos from regular vlogs I keep up on weekly in regards to mental health, this time on college living. One from The Emmy R and the other From Miss Lizenka. I'll link them before moving on with my own experiences so you can get their perspectives as well. They both have good information. I would like to add to their input based on reflection having graduated a couple years ago.

Emmy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3YhJuu5Hx0
Liza: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnPz2S8F6iY

The Questions Are:
1)did you ever consider any other living options?
2)in relation to mental health how had living on campus effected you?
3)if you could change your living situation for collage would you? why?


Freshman year I chose to live in a freshman only residence hall thinking everyone was new and therefore it would be an environment where we all struggled together and made good friendships. The opposite kind of happened though, where everyone was free from their parents for the first time and most of the people there caused a lot of trouble. My recommendation to freshman would be to pick out a residence hall with a variety of people. Freshman to struggle along with and the more senior students to help mentor you along the way as you come along stressful times and any questions. My resident assistant who was a couple years ahead was a great person to talk to or just to chill with during a stressful time.

I can't really say I had any positive experience with roommates, but I did learn about different types of people and how to better deal with people. What it comes down to though, the roommates greatly impacted my mental health. I'll provide an overview of the different situations I was in. I'm not entirely against roommates, but keep the situations in mind when thinking about living with someone.

Freshman (1st) year my roommate and I got along fairly well the first semester, but not so much the second. My self harm and major depression were largely a part of me by the end of the first semester my freshman year and the second semester only isolated me more. My roommate would come in at late hours of the night and turn on the lights or play loud video games, waking me up. This contributed to a lack of sleep which in return impacted my ability to get the rest I needed to focus and think more clearly.

Sophomore (2nd) and Junior (3rd) years my roommates left after the first semester and I would have the room to myself for the final semester of the year. Both once again had some issues, but unlike my first roommate, both were more accepting of me. I found living on my own in the college residence hall to be both helpful and hard. The situation was helpful in that I could focus on myself without having to worry about someone else contributing to my downfall. Being close to on-campus friends, dining, and assistance was also a plus. What made living alone hard was that I could dwell in my sadness and really didn't have anyone around to talk to because I could just sit around in my room. Looking back this is also where some great distractions I've mentioned or others from fellow blogs could be utilized.

Senior (4th) year was my breaking point. I actually started out with a single room all to myself, but I do not attribute that to my problems, rather, the problems I had with some of the staff at the college sent me into a further downward spiral. I had to leave for a year and come back a 5th so I could focus on myself and getting better. When I returned the following year I actually stayed in an apartment off-campus roughly 1-2 miles away. Being 1-2 miles away with sidewalks all the way to the college is one of the reasons I would advocate living off campus. Every day I had class I had to get up and walk to the college. This resulted in a lot of physical exercise which also helps with better mental health. By living off campus I was also responsible for paying monthly bills, going to the grocery store and making my own meals. All of this contributed to focus on myself and providing things to keep busy with.

If I had to go through college again though I would have tried to make a few more friends, and not just friends, ones that would hopefully last. It would have been a better experience had I known a few people to hang out with during the evenings and on weekends, maybe even live with off campus. One semester I had a group of friends to hang out with on a regular basis and it helped to an extent. When surrounded by other people it was harder for me to fall into myself and my ways of dealing with things.

So to sum things up I tried residence hall living with and without a roommate and off-campus living. Living on campus for me was more of a negative impact but taught me a lot if we focus on the positive side and I definitely think having some good friends and one of them as a roommate would benefit.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading and I hope the information helps!

Off-Topic | New Job, Nervous

Starting a new job tomorrow much more in line with what I think I want to do with my career. I've been feeling mostly ok the weeks up until this moment and keeping everything under control, down to the last few hours. Now I am suddenly freaking out. I've become rather anxious and nervous. I have no reason to doubt things will go well, just a completely different environment I am about to step into. Took a pepcid complete to help with any extra acid this may cause my stomach to create. Got some water for a neutral fluid that won't bother me. Now just trying to breathe and relax to calm down. Slowly working. Think the next step is to read a book and also try to wind down so I can make an effort to get to sleep.

Personal Entry |2 - The Moving Experience, Part 1

Yesterday I finally got internet connectivity again and am able to continue on with my posts. The last week though has been an interesting experience though looking at the different affects its had on me.

I think one person at work has begun to sense a little that there is a bit more behind my face than what I really show on a daily basis. I haven't outright spoken about the difference issues I have, but instead have passed the blame onto all the changes going on in my life right now. I think even my mom over the phone perhaps has noticed somewhat of a change. Between moving and changing jobs the different issues are flaring up a bit more. Without the internet and most of my distractions, the situation became even more interesting.

As the move got closer I got more nervous and anxious. I also began to wonder if I would actually manage to pack everything in time before the big moving day. I did finish though, 12am the morning prior to the move.

The past week I've found myself making a lot more phone calls than usual. I really don't like talking on the phone, but it's been something to keep me distracted and occupied. If I go back to my old place now I feel really out of place like I don't belong there. At my new place I feel more comfortable in that I like the floor plan and space better than the other. The community also seems to be a bit more mature, which is wonderful, but I haven't been able to meet too many new people yet. I need to work up the courage to go for a run around the neighborhood or something. It would be good for my physical well-being too.

I still haven't checked my new mailbox; I have this fear of who I will run into and just keep avoiding it. The people around seem friendly, but other than observation I tend to just keep to a friendly hello and proceed to my place. Updating my address has been taking a bit of effort as well. I pushed off changing my internet service till the last minute as well as electric and postal. I should have done these things in advance, I don't know if this is natural or not. I still need to adjust quite a bit, but all in all I feel the new place is better for me than the old one.

Problems I Attribute to the Old Place:

1) I've noticed relapse of my depression, but in worse ways than before and closer to borderline or bipolar. I am not sure entirely what to make of this, but will elaborate further in a later post.

2) Due to the noise problems and lack of proper handling I have distanced myself from people further and my anxiety towards being accepted and around people has become worse.

What the Old Place Helped:

1) I began to stand up for myself and not tolerate others bringing me down. 

Things to do while moving when without internet and much else to do include:

1) Read a book (This has helped me a lot)

2) Call a friend or family if you have a cell phone

3) Drive an hour to dinner (if you have a car and license)

This wasn't a post about much, but I am back and expect to have a more informative post soon, including posts about how the moving experience progresses over the next few weeks.

Quick Update - Moving

I am pretty sure no one reads this but regardless here is a quick update.

I have been busy with a move, packing, address management, all those wonderful parts involved with moving. I don't expect to have much time on my hands again till later next week. Between working a fulltime job and going through every little thing I own I have been pretty exhausted most of the time.

I will still be around throughout the duration, just in a limited capacity. I hope everyone is well!

If you have questions or want to contribute your own post check out my tumblr! It's there to extend reach of people and to let the readers get a bit more involved if they would like. There is a link to post a question as well as a link to submit a post. Both get sent to me for approval/response before being posted.

When I get around to it either at the end of this week or mid next week I have a couple post ideas in mind. I do this for myself and as an effort to help the community as well!

-cheers-

Expansion to Tumblr

To further spread awareness and provide support I have created a tumblr for my blog. The same content will be on the tumblr account that is on the blog here. I have done this as a way to reach more people.

I would like to use the active tumblr community as well to make some new friends and further develop my own support network. I believe I can get some more ideas for posts to make here as well to better inform people about mental health issues. I still intend to keep on my about once a week schedule.

http://voicesforawareness.tumblr.com/

Thank you to all the followers out there anonymous or visible.

Role of Confidence / Workplace Stress Factors

In no way has any scientific research been done for this post, just personal observation of myself. This post is a bit longer than most of my others, so grab a drink, queue up the music, and tune in!

For me confidence is something that comes and goes. Most of the time in social situation it runs away and leaves me behind. There are some observations I have made though, especially in regards to my professional work life, not the same as my social life. One quote I always reference from the public speaking course I was required to take is: "To be confident act confident". For the most part that is true.

I am either confident or I have tricked myself into thinking I am confident at times. I think it has to do with the effort of hiding my mental illness issues in the past. There will be more on this in a bit.

What I want to touch on though is the role confidence has in correlation to other emotions. Especially what I have been seeing with myself at work lately. I went from doing very interesting development work at the beginning of the year and following design, to implementing the technology and completing another task at lightening speed with not much prior knowledge, to being pushed into a dysfunctional team under the thought I'd get them back on track, to moving to an entirely different job. My reaction has been happiness, anger, panic, anxiety, just about everything through the past 6 months.

Is there a correlation to my confidence levels? I tend to believe so, lets analyze.

First it's worth noting that I am a perfectionist and want to see my work through to the end, done right with a functional result. I quickly pick up new technology and techniques (quick learner) and can work well with just about anyone (unless the other party decides to ignore me in which case it's hard to). What I lack though is confidence and often doubt what I develop. I go through a very methodical approach of designing what I am going to do and consulting with the stakeholders prior to implementation. When I get a second opinion I am told what I came up with is pretty rock solid and a good start. I should really be confident in myself because I approach development the right way, but most often I lack confidence.

At the beginning of the year there was moderate structure, limited direction, and I was doing well. I felt that what I was doing was on track and was going to integrate well. I had a solid team to work and collaborate with. If I was struggling or needed a second opinion it was there. I was pretty confident, enjoyed what I was doing, and as a result was pretty happy going into work on a daily basis.

My success gave me incredible visibility and management thought I would be the perfect fit to turn a dysfunctional team into a functional team. This was the last shot they had at success, me turning them around. There was a lot riding on my shoulders. Not only that, the team refused to let me into their circle. I didn't have work to do and no one wanted to communicate with me. I spent my time suggesting changes and writing up status reports. What little work I did get I was setup for failure.

My confidence level was low and I constantly worried about failure and the lack of results. I worried about what this would mean for my future despite it not being my fault and it made me miserable for the duration. Towards the end I got to do some work with them and produce a design beforehand. I was still miserable in the sense that I was still with the group, but that interaction and progress I was able to make drove my confidence level up and I was actually happy working on what I was doing despite the rest of the situation. Within the last little bit on the team I actually thought I had something good to take away.

Next is the change in jobs. That's in the near future, and I am confident I can do amazing work. It will be a new culture, but the change scares me and makes me a bit anxious. I hope to meet their expectations and more. I know I can and am thankful I have been given the chance. I'm looking forward to it.

What does all this have to do with confidence? If I feel too pressured, am not given a realistic time frame (although due to my skill level I can typically produce something), or am thrown into something solo with no support to ask questions to, my confidence level drops quickly. If I begin to lack confidence I start to get angry, anxious, panic, and quickly think I may fail (despite my qualities that will actually lead me to success instead). If I begin to gain confidence I may start to feel invincible and overly confident.

The best example I have is a recent task. I've had to do design and implementation. I felt very confident throughout the design. Once the design grew in complexity though I began to wonder if I could actually complete it on time. But as I start to implement in small pieces I am finding it to be not so bad after all. My confidence levels are rising and I am starting to feel I may actually have it done ahead of schedule.

The lesson I have learned from all of this is to stand up for myself and what I do. Continue to go about development the way I do. Or anything else in my life really. Just being oneself and doing good things has paid off. This has been leading to advancement in my career and different people fighting over me.

If I have confidence in myself I can be happy knowing that  I do things correctly and have done the best I can do. In regards to my past/recovery with mental illness I look at myself as I am in a better place today than I was a few years ago. I let the thought of my struggles with mental illness get me down and make me think my career had been destroyed sometimes (in some ways it's true, in most ways it's not).

My career got derailed a little, and I dealt with discrimination/stereotypes, but if I look at the larger picture I am just taking a different path. A path that I am beginning to take control over, allowing me to do what I want with my life. The road I am headed down is probably even better than the road I was going to head down before and much more flexible.

If you take a moment to look where you were then, where you are today, and just where things may be going tomorrow, there could be some surprises over just how much better a path is working out than originally thought. Try to have confidence knowing you are doing everything you can do to be successful and hopefully you'll find yourself stronger like myself and a little happier.

Even if you're struggling with an illness or addiction, look for the positive, what you are doing to overcome it or even just that thought that you know you need to overcome it or want to overcome it. Maybe you want to use your struggles to help someone else. There are different ways to turn your struggles into something more positive. Have confidence knowing you are living the best you can.

You can use that emotion to drive some pretty powerful change and ideas in yourself or the world.

Stand up for you. One step at a time. You are strong.

Personal Entry |1 - BPD, Bipolar, Depression

I have been on a mission ever since I was diagnosed with depression roughly six years ago to understand what is wrong with me and what I can do to get better. There is a part of me that doesn't necessarily want to get better and is afraid of what I will become when I am not quite me anymore. It's misery though always having issues with my mood and being so isolated that I don't have anyone else around. If I'm at a get together of some sort I am always the one in the corner not talking to anyone that no one else even wants to approach and start a conversation with. I am the one that can't bring myself to start a convo. For those reasons I have never given up trying to understand myself and figure out how to make life better.

I encourage everyone else to keep trying as well.

That's not quite the focus I had in mind for the post though. It's about what I have discovered recently.

Yes I got diagnosed with major depression six years ago, but I am not entirely convinced anymore that's actually what is going on. There was a part of me that feared bipolar. Also at the time I never knew about borderline personality disorder. What I couldn't figure out back then were the episodes of happiness, the mood shifts that occurred. I was extremely depressed, but there were these episodes when I found myself with a bunch of energy and basically happy. I thought nothing of it, just that most of the time I was down. The main issue of being down most of the time is also what I focused on in any counseling. I never brought up to any counselors any other moods I may have experienced. This was due to the issues I have with counseling in general and not being comfortable and trusting enough to share what is really going on with me to these so called professionals.

Then two years ago I entered the professional work force. This led to nothing too shocking. I managed to take on a positive mindset and stay strong. I thought that year prior was a pretty good effort towards recovery and becoming better again. Any trigger that reminded me of my past pretty quickly sent me into a angry rage or depressive state of mind. That I blamed on the recency of the struggles with depression in my past. I figured it was something that would take me time to distance from. Or I never truly recovered and it was the illness trying to take over me again. Probably a little of both, but I was much stronger and put up a strong resistance to maintain a good frame of mind.

More recently my mind has been crying to be released from the prison I locked it within. Without much ability to keep it restrained lately a lot of different thoughts have been coming and going. I essentially granted my mind the ability to feel again instead of being numb and thoughtless most of the time to avoid dealing with problems involving myself. I go between happy and depressed so rapidly and randomly that I can't predict when I'll be either. Shifts seem to be hours and days. Not only that, but I seem to be capable of experiencing multiple emotions at the same time. I can laugh, be angry, and depressed all at the same time. Scares me quite a bit when this happens, not something I seem to have control over. The other part about me that has stood out recently is the intensity friendships take on. Not only that, but how just the slightest shift of behavior towards me from someone flips the untrusting side of my mind. I am quick to feel people have forgotten about me, don't want me around anymore, or aren't being honest.

So the biggest question I am trying to figure out about myself now is: what is the real issue with me? I know something isn't right. If everything was ok I am pretty sure I would have made friends outside of work by now and wouldn't be having depressive and happy episodes so often. I am pretty sure a lot would be different in the way my life is right now if everything was well.

I may consider trying out counseling of some sort again, but for now I need to figure out on my own what is going on and the most effective form of getting better. I have been productive where I work and if things do get too out of hand as they did 3 1/2 years ago I will let someone know. I do not feel I am in any danger; I have the network and ability to seek help at a moments notice if I need it. I want to understand on my own rather than being brainwashed and not being able to think for myself.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar are often misdiagnosed as other mental illnesses. This has to do with the many different moods each present and focus only being on one core mood.

I am not a doctor, not a substitute for a doctor, and do not claim to be a doctor. All in this post is personal opinion and experience. I share this information to help reduce my own stress and provide insight to others for deeper thought and analysis to understand what is really going on with us.

Disconnected and Defiant

I am not entirely sure what happened to me over the past week.

The week started with my mind taking over and telling me who I was. My mind told me I am who I was 6 years ago and started steering me right back down the path to some of the darkest days of my life. Any type of distraction I had in my book wasn't working. I had no support network of people I could talk to. My mind took a hold of me much stronger than it ever has in the past. I completely fell into myself.

Then one day someone sent me a link to a music video and I snapped back into reality to an extent. I suddenly remembered how music tends to help calm and relax me. It has returned to being my cure. Just now I am beginning to recover from what has been a week of misery. One theme throughout it has been my mind telling me to be who I really am. To not let my career take over my life like it has been.

I guess somewhere as I started taking a stand for myself to guide my career to a position I am happy - my defenses went down and repressed memories took over. I'm now terrified about confronting them.

Mental health issues destroyed my college years, what were supposed to be the best years of my life. Now I am worried they are going to destroy my career if I even attempt to be myself and confront any problems. I have made a stand though and 3 1/2 months of effort to get myself out of a position at work that has made me unhappy is starting to pay off. I am finally getting myself shifted to something better. I am also moving, which terrifies me. A change in job, a change in location, standing up for myself and who I am, all happening at once. Before long I will be in completely new territory with nothing to hold onto.

Two things I have that have been helping me through this are a good friend and music. The many sleepless nights I have gone through this week I've been able to vent. And when I finally try to sleep I put on some music and shut my mind down. Now I am trying to disconnect myself again and get myself back in line. Most of my friends ran away in the time I needed them most. One thing all this has taught be is that I am not as safe as I thought and I need to make some new friends so I do have that support when I need it.

I am afraid to think of what may of happened if I didn't have a couple things to grab onto as I started furiously falling back down again. I will keep fighting for myself and fighting to push 3 years of self harm free (even though barely I pushed off the strongest urges I've had in 3 years this past week) even further as tempting as it may get. My move in the near future as scary as it is may be the first step in recovering fully, as long as it comforts me as much as I am anticipating.

Stay strong and hold onto at least a couple things for times like this.

It's possible to get through the most difficult of times.