Stigma, the Darkness, and the Light

It's easy for us all to throw around blame during our darkest of moments. It's easy for us to get lost within the darkest thoughts of our mind when we are in crisis. I've come to a realization this evening that I'd like to write about. A realization that just came to me as I have been reflecting on my recent state of crisis. It's been 5 years since I was this impaired from the self awareness I usually have. That high level of self awareness is coming back though and I realized tonight it is still there. If I put myself first it will always be there and that's one of the lessons I am learning from the crisis I've been in lately.

As I continue to get through this latest crisis and begin to look at the lessons learned the number one lesson keeps coming back to "communication". 5 years ago I knew something was wrong and put myself first but I didn't address the problem and had no idea what to do this time around. All I had were my bad experiences that kept me from addressing myself as needed last time that nearly kept me from doing the same this time. What I had this time was the loss of two friends that said "wake up, you are going down the same path" that really made me realize I needed to seek help and put myself first.

Seeking help this time around, as was the case last time (in that I left college to focus on myself), has saved my life yet again. The dark days aren't gone entirely and I am learning to accept that is just a part of who I am and I will continue to get through them just as I have done before. I've also learned this time around that it is ok to talk and address what I am dealing with. For the first time I am openly talking about what it is I am dealing with and the worst of the thoughts I have. I'm learning that just because I think or feel something doesn't mean I am going to act on it. That alone is helping me build self confidence in the ability to get through the many difficult emotions I deal with at times.

Guilt has driven many of my decisions to stay in some situations I've needed to get out of. I am a very caring person and get a lot out of helping others. I am committed in whatever I do and am not the one to  "give up". I have an instinct to keep on fighting and one that tends to tells me I am invincible, just to repress the thoughts I have and move on. That's what I have been taught all along though: whether it's my parents telling me I am fine, nothing is wrong, and to just be happy; or whether it's the discrimination I've dealt with at work that tells me it's not ok to address my issues; or if it's not being addressed in a support group because I've been a leader and am therefore supposed to be "perfect".

Those are some of the reasons it has taken this long and the recent circumstances to realize how important it is to first and foremost make sure I, myself, am ok before stepping out to help others. The ability to make this decision, the support of friends and family I've received throughout this difficult time, and the strength I am developing from it is what I hope others will be able to see. I hope that I can be an inspiration to others to get the help they need when they need it. I have dealt with the guilt and the dark thoughts and still do but we really have to focus on ourselves. Some of us can't speak and some are very indecisive as I have been. Some see the quietness and the indecisiveness as selfishness.

It's not selfishness. Some aren't sure what to do and how to handle the guilt. Some feel like they are going to be blamed for problems afterwards. The problem is in not communicating well enough when we are struggling so those around us can better understand and be supportive to the best of their ability. I have friends with several different view points. There is a stigma in the mental health community as well but it manifests itself in the form of guilt and our desire to help out everyone around us who is struggling. We've dealt with the general stigma and have been through such dark times we want to be there for and help everyone. Lets take a moment though to step back and look at our own selves.

Lets make sure we are ok ourselves. Lets continue to support one another in the difficult times we deal with. I am grateful to have the friends that I do and the support that we are able to give to one another. What we need is to be able to be open, to understand, and accept, when each of us find ourself in a place that warrants more self focus and stepping back to ensure we continue to move forward. It's a little early for my new years resolution but my effort in the short term is to make sure I am myself and continue to be there for my friends. I have also learned I only need a small group of great friends rather than a large group of friends who may not know me all that well. Be well, and happy holidays.

Dealing with Stress

How has everyone been the past few months? For me the stress surrounding my job being taken away, looking for a new job, and getting acquainted with my new job took a bit of a toll. That on top of managing everything else I was doing left me with not a lot of time for what I enjoyed and am passionate about. The good news is that the field is beginning to level out again; I've enjoyed the local activities picked up this year; and I'm able to focus on my own recovery again at a manageable level. That all said I once again plan to start picking back up the posts here on Voices for Awareness.

Lots of great topics I want to cover over the next few months:

1. What is the word the awareness and anti-stigma campaigns around the world are trying to spread?
2. Mindfulness meditation and the value it has when used to cope with mental illness
3. Relapse prevention, steps, strategies, and ways to identify and deal with triggers
4. Coming out of the shadows to seek help, the benefits vs staying silent
5. Seeking help from groups, my views and experience
6. Intervention, recognizing something is wrong, and rational actions during irrational thoughts

Those are some of the topics I plan to get around to covering. If you have a topic you would like me to write about let me know and I'll work it into the plans. Those topics have come from people I know and questions I see among others over the past few months. So lets get to some methods of dealing with stress.

I had started building a support network at the end of the year when I sought help again, but little did I know what was ahead of me, how much quicker I'd have to build it, and what benefit would come. I went into the process optimistically. Not entirely knowing who I would meet, who would stick around, how comfortable I'd be after exposing myself, and how I would handle myself after I'd been exposed.

These questions all hit me at the same time but due to the medication I had been started on was able to more rationally overcome the worries. Steps I took to deal with the stress included:

1. Calling friends and family whenever I needed to talk
1. Since I had opened up to them they better understood, some better than others. This allowed me to express myself and rather than letting the stress build I got it out. The people I spoke to and trusted began to validate what I was going through and let me know it would be ok.
2. I had serious doubts, but I knew those closest to me weren't going to let anything bad happen.
2. Listened to relaxing music. Ambient music became a huge stress relief. Listening to that type of music, breathing, and working to calm down brought me back under control especially before bedtime. This took a lot of practice and patience but has greatly helped.
3. Attending support groups. Support groups aren't therapy but I am able to go to them and freely speak without being judged. I get advice from others, vent, and help others as well.
4. Placing myself into the mind of the opponent. Sometimes you just know you are right. Sometimes you know your opponent has a valid point and just isn't going about expressing it the right way. Undue stress can be caused by that type of situation but there are ways to deal with it in a healthy and productive way. Attempt to place yourself in the opponents shoes for a moment; this allows you to begin understanding their argument and suggesting your own solutions while using their own so as not to step on toes and be completely shutdown.

Those four methods have mainly been the base of how I deal with my stress now. The four methods tie into the earlier six bullets as well that I will cover another time. I've learned these from people I know and have met since becoming more accepting and open about my illness.

I am glad to be back and look forward to more posts to help the community out there.

Fellow Mental Health [V]Bloggers to Start 2012

As a welcome into 2012 I would like to dedicate a post to some other blogs and vlogs out there I have been following for the past 1-2 years. The highlights posts was getting a bit long, so we have a second.

I have selected 3 for this particular post and will write about more in the future.

Free Your Mind Campaign: http://free-your-mind-campaign.blogspot.com/

The Free Your Mind Campaign was started by Nicola as a result of abuse and prejudice within a psych ward located in England. She speaks through her experiences, advocates, and fights the stigma with: art, music, film, and culture. I have been following her campaign and look forward to FYM's 2012 success.

I Drank the Sea Water: http://www.youtube.com/user/idranktheseawater

I Drank the Sea Water is an excellent vlog to follow. She has done mini movies about various mental illness topics, a vlog accounting for her progress through treatment, and written a book: Lady Injury. I find her inspiring and giving people hope through a very unique and inspiring perspective.

Sullen Girl - http://www.youtube.com/user/xsullengirlx

Christie has been speaking out about mental health and providing self injury support. One of the reasons I like her vlog so much is she tells issues how they are. She gets right to the point and speaks. This one is hard to sum up but definitely one to check out if you want to know more about the reality of M.I.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year!

2012 Direction and End of 2011 Highlights

I planned to write this post on New Years Eve or New Years Day but delayed it as I increased my advocacy and activism at the local level due to the November employment events. However, those events have pushed forward some exciting and important plans for the Voices for Awareness campaign in 2012. That said these plans have been in planning for some time and are always a work in progress being refined to meet the needs and voices of the world wide mental health community. Voices for Awareness can use your help and experiences to spread the word too, more on that to come later in the update.

Before diving into the 2012 direction though, a quick recap of 2011. In 2011 I began my campaign after following several blogs and vlogs others maintained, having been helped and inspired by them. I realized how much I could offer through my own experiences and that silence wasn't the answer. Speaking out helps myself, others, and in return fights stigma; allowing more of us to seek help and treatment. I was successful in getting my career on track, started seeking help again, lost my job to the stigma, and began taking the campaign on the road locally with the anticipation of expanding the borders in 2012.

Originally unsure about medication my medication has actually been helping. I have been consulting with a competent doctor who listens to me and ensures I am getting the care I need. Rather than my medication being stopped soon after starting as in the past this doctor made sure I knew about the medication and gave it a chance to start working. The only downfall I've had are some affects on my short term memory.

#1: In my last post I spoke about stigma in the workforce and the experience I had in November 2011 just before the holidays. I mentioned I didn't want to take the issue to court and just wanted to spread awareness. The good news is that I will be taking the issue to the U.S. Congress to be heard as well as local legislative branches. I will be working on a submission going directly through a U.S. Senator. I will post more as the plan unfolds, but am going to be appealing for our rights as mental health patients.

#2: Another plan for this coming year is to become involved in public speaking campaigns around my local community. I hope to make several groups of people aware about what is around them and what some of their peers may even be going through. The longer term goal with this is to go national, then worldwide.

#3: Along the same lines as public speaking I will be writing an account of my story for those who request it and are looking to use it for spreading awareness and providing support to others. The account will be written only and can be used on blogs, vlogs and support sites to start. I only speak English, but recipients are welcome to translate it into other languages. Just let me know a max length and format so it fits. I'll tweak this process as time goes on, but just starting out need to set some basic guidelines.

#4: One last plan I would like to mention is the involvement I want to build from others dealing with a mental illness and those caring or who know someone with a mental illness. My own family has benefitted from me opening up and sharing my story with them. I have some ideas to go about this but am still coming up with a way to do it. I am thinking possibly essay format posts similar to mine telling your story. Those writing about caring for someone could write about how they found out, how they reacted initially, why they reacted that way, what they are doing to deal with it now, and what they think should be different. The goal behind this would be to show the negative impact stigma's had and a care givers willingness and desire to help, but they don't know how because the stigma has suppressed information from getting out. The same goes for the people with a mental illness, wanting to get help but fearing repercussions. The format doesn't have to be entirely as I described and could be ended with a success story. Just ideas.

There is more in progress that I may be able to share later once I have more information.

I wish a good year to everyone out there. We will never give up hope.

E-mail: voices.for.awareness@gmail.com

Stigma in the Workforce

I am dedicating this blog to awareness about the stigma surrounding mental illness in the professional workforce. Whenever in public I feel this shadow cast over me because of what I go through on a daily basis. It's bad enough that I have the illness, and the stigma makes it worse. I've managed to fill in most of my family now and the reaction has been mostly tears and wishing they could understand better, not quite what I expected but welcomed. Next I want to get them involved with my awareness campaign.

I finally began feeling pretty secure at my job, no one even knew I had generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I was extremely productive, did something I enjoy, and had a team that accepted me for who I was, or at least presented myself to be, since I didn't share my battles. My battles with mental illness didn't need to be brought up though, and the team helped me learn more about myself when they didn't even know it. My illnesses are just that, illnesses, they never defined who I am. I began to better understand my anxiety better and my team helped me come to the realization that I needed to seek help.

I had dealt with depression before, but generalized anxiety disorder was new to me diagnosis wise and I had been brushing it off as something that would just pass over. I sought help, am glad I did, and slowly see myself beginning to get better. Seeing the doctor added a new diagnosis to my record and ended up resulting in unnecessary responses. I started my awareness campaign based on the negative encounters I had with people during college, the darkest of my days, hoping I will one day make a positive impact helping the lesser educated understand mental health better. In the past couple weeks my latest employer joins the motivation and passion I have to get the word out, just not in the light I had been hoping for.

I won't discuss any names or locations of people and places, but take this information and please realize those of us with mental illness are people too. We are just like those taking medicine for high blood pressure. We are not criminals, mental illnesses comes in different severities, and we can be quite productive. There is more information now, we are not the risk and threat people thought in the past. This post may be the only justice and awareness I can get out over my situation. I don't consider myself disabled; I don't want compensation over the situation; I don't want to sit back and let those responsible for this just get away without understanding. I want people to be aware so this doesn't happen to others.

My job that I had loved so much, that took 3-4 months before I finally settled in, gave me a reason to wake up each day. I was at last doing the type of work I wanted to do and with a team who formed a small family within the office. We had our own friendly little culture, joking, bringing food and sweets in. I am really going to miss them and what happened to me caused anger and tears among them too. This doesn't just affect me, but it impacts the group of people around me too. I ended up addressing them so they understood just how strong I'd become and that it wasn't my decision to leave.

There is too much power in the hands of the person that took my job from me. I should have been looked at for who I was, not the illness. Yes, if completely untreated, some of those worst case scenarios could happen. Did I have to be taken from my job immediately? No. I sought help so those worst case scenarios never saw any light. Is the workforce trying to promote hiding and covering up the inner battles we have? I really hope not, seeking help has been one of the best things I have ever done. After 7 years I finally have a medication and treatment plan that is working for me. I never gave up hope, and don't plan to. I have done extensive research and investigation into myself to understand why I have the illnesses I do. I may be getting closer, but something for sure is that I have finally learned how to better manage them.

Not only was my job taken from me, but I was then thrown into isolation. Someone with generalized anxiety disorder and depression need to be around people, not alone. We are people just like you.

More of us are starting to seek help each day. The numbers of people dealing with mental illnesses is coming to light as the years go on. One day there could be no one left to work if this stigma is allowed to continue on. Please look at the big picture and think before just pushing us aside. We are your best friends, your hardest workers, and those there for you in your time of need. Do us a favor and look at us for who we are just as we look at you for who you are. At least understand we are like everyone else.

Those of us dealing with mental illness will continue to seek help. We will not be deterred.

I remain hopeful to prove to people one day that mental illness is just that an illness. We can be productive, loving, caring, and successful. Give us a chance and watch us flourish.