I have been on a mission ever since I was diagnosed with depression roughly six years ago to understand what is wrong with me and what I can do to get better. There is a part of me that doesn't necessarily want to get better and is afraid of what I will become when I am not quite me anymore. It's misery though always having issues with my mood and being so isolated that I don't have anyone else around. If I'm at a get together of some sort I am always the one in the corner not talking to anyone that no one else even wants to approach and start a conversation with. I am the one that can't bring myself to start a convo. For those reasons I have never given up trying to understand myself and figure out how to make life better.
I encourage everyone else to keep trying as well.
That's not quite the focus I had in mind for the post though. It's about what I have discovered recently.
Yes I got diagnosed with major depression six years ago, but I am not entirely convinced anymore that's actually what is going on. There was a part of me that feared bipolar. Also at the time I never knew about borderline personality disorder. What I couldn't figure out back then were the episodes of happiness, the mood shifts that occurred. I was extremely depressed, but there were these episodes when I found myself with a bunch of energy and basically happy. I thought nothing of it, just that most of the time I was down. The main issue of being down most of the time is also what I focused on in any counseling. I never brought up to any counselors any other moods I may have experienced. This was due to the issues I have with counseling in general and not being comfortable and trusting enough to share what is really going on with me to these so called professionals.
Then two years ago I entered the professional work force. This led to nothing too shocking. I managed to take on a positive mindset and stay strong. I thought that year prior was a pretty good effort towards recovery and becoming better again. Any trigger that reminded me of my past pretty quickly sent me into a angry rage or depressive state of mind. That I blamed on the recency of the struggles with depression in my past. I figured it was something that would take me time to distance from. Or I never truly recovered and it was the illness trying to take over me again. Probably a little of both, but I was much stronger and put up a strong resistance to maintain a good frame of mind.
More recently my mind has been crying to be released from the prison I locked it within. Without much ability to keep it restrained lately a lot of different thoughts have been coming and going. I essentially granted my mind the ability to feel again instead of being numb and thoughtless most of the time to avoid dealing with problems involving myself. I go between happy and depressed so rapidly and randomly that I can't predict when I'll be either. Shifts seem to be hours and days. Not only that, but I seem to be capable of experiencing multiple emotions at the same time. I can laugh, be angry, and depressed all at the same time. Scares me quite a bit when this happens, not something I seem to have control over. The other part about me that has stood out recently is the intensity friendships take on. Not only that, but how just the slightest shift of behavior towards me from someone flips the untrusting side of my mind. I am quick to feel people have forgotten about me, don't want me around anymore, or aren't being honest.
So the biggest question I am trying to figure out about myself now is: what is the real issue with me? I know something isn't right. If everything was ok I am pretty sure I would have made friends outside of work by now and wouldn't be having depressive and happy episodes so often. I am pretty sure a lot would be different in the way my life is right now if everything was well.
I may consider trying out counseling of some sort again, but for now I need to figure out on my own what is going on and the most effective form of getting better. I have been productive where I work and if things do get too out of hand as they did 3 1/2 years ago I will let someone know. I do not feel I am in any danger; I have the network and ability to seek help at a moments notice if I need it. I want to understand on my own rather than being brainwashed and not being able to think for myself.
Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar are often misdiagnosed as other mental illnesses. This has to do with the many different moods each present and focus only being on one core mood.
I am not a doctor, not a substitute for a doctor, and do not claim to be a doctor. All in this post is personal opinion and experience. I share this information to help reduce my own stress and provide insight to others for deeper thought and analysis to understand what is really going on with us.
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