Disconnected and Defiant

I am not entirely sure what happened to me over the past week.

The week started with my mind taking over and telling me who I was. My mind told me I am who I was 6 years ago and started steering me right back down the path to some of the darkest days of my life. Any type of distraction I had in my book wasn't working. I had no support network of people I could talk to. My mind took a hold of me much stronger than it ever has in the past. I completely fell into myself.

Then one day someone sent me a link to a music video and I snapped back into reality to an extent. I suddenly remembered how music tends to help calm and relax me. It has returned to being my cure. Just now I am beginning to recover from what has been a week of misery. One theme throughout it has been my mind telling me to be who I really am. To not let my career take over my life like it has been.

I guess somewhere as I started taking a stand for myself to guide my career to a position I am happy - my defenses went down and repressed memories took over. I'm now terrified about confronting them.

Mental health issues destroyed my college years, what were supposed to be the best years of my life. Now I am worried they are going to destroy my career if I even attempt to be myself and confront any problems. I have made a stand though and 3 1/2 months of effort to get myself out of a position at work that has made me unhappy is starting to pay off. I am finally getting myself shifted to something better. I am also moving, which terrifies me. A change in job, a change in location, standing up for myself and who I am, all happening at once. Before long I will be in completely new territory with nothing to hold onto.

Two things I have that have been helping me through this are a good friend and music. The many sleepless nights I have gone through this week I've been able to vent. And when I finally try to sleep I put on some music and shut my mind down. Now I am trying to disconnect myself again and get myself back in line. Most of my friends ran away in the time I needed them most. One thing all this has taught be is that I am not as safe as I thought and I need to make some new friends so I do have that support when I need it.

I am afraid to think of what may of happened if I didn't have a couple things to grab onto as I started furiously falling back down again. I will keep fighting for myself and fighting to push 3 years of self harm free (even though barely I pushed off the strongest urges I've had in 3 years this past week) even further as tempting as it may get. My move in the near future as scary as it is may be the first step in recovering fully, as long as it comforts me as much as I am anticipating.

Stay strong and hold onto at least a couple things for times like this.

It's possible to get through the most difficult of times.