This is going to be more of a reflection on the past and what I think I've learned from it. So read on if you care to and see if you notice the same and if there is anything we can learn; I think we can. One of the conclusions I am coming to is that anxiety may be one of the larger issues I've dealt with over the past year (that's what I think is going on at least since I don't feel comfortable with doctors). It wasn't till I really started facing certain situations head on that this became obvious to me.
It was so natural growing up to stand in the corner away from the crowd and interact well with adults than it was to interact with people my own age. People my age weren't friendly to me, they were downright mean. I came to stick around adults more and really didn't think much of it till a couple years ago when I entered the professional workforce and started interacting with people of all ages. I had to figure out how to interact with people my age at work and it turned out not terrible, but still not as comfortable as I'd like. I even had issues with the adults at work to an extent. There was anxiety, but it wasn't terribly crippling.
So a year ago when I got sent on my first business trip many miles from home I was entering new territory. I could barely eat breakfast because I was so anxious, lunch was hit or miss if I could make myself get through it, and dinner was minimal. I had a desire to walk the town however though, so I don't know. It wasn't till the night at the park where we all had dinner and I couldn't function at all. I had to strip down to my undershirt and get co-workers to carry any belongings I had just so I could try to relax and breathe. All while coming up with a story as to why I fell to the ground because the last thing I needed was to talk about issues I've hidden from them all along and been able to handle on my own till now.
That is only one incident of many that have occurred over the past year. This issue has caused me to pull off the side of the road, sit in parking lots to gain composure, and stay back at my home instead of going places. Wherever I go it feels like I am being judged and people are just staring at me. If I try to go somewhere with a group of friends I am just motionless stuck standing in a corner somewhere, crippled. Maybe I am not entirely comfortable with my co-workers who I chill with from time to time. Why am I OK in the work environment but not in a highly public place though? These co-workers are close enough to have my back if something goes down.
What I have been trying to do to combat all this though is start to dive into things. I try not to care about what's going on and how I feel in the sense of how anxious I am. I try to shut that emotion off. I try to tell myself everything isn't so bad. It usually isn't as bad as my mind makes it seem. As I do more and more things I seem to get more comfortable.
One day at the airport I found it difficult to get from my car to the shuttle stop; I was going to be stuck sitting in the parking lot for who knows how long. As soon as I saw the shuttle coming though something hit me inside and I pushed myself to run over to the stop location. That was the end of the anxiety for that moment and I finally had control of myself again. This incident is where I came to the conclusion that it is possible to control and overcome my anxiety if I am able to make the effort to relax and strengthen myself against a situation.
While I haven't cured the anxiety issue entirely I am feeling more like I can probably control it and overcome it over time. No matter whether something may succeed or fail I just go along with the situation because I will not get anywhere if I don't try. What happens happens, there is not much I can do to change something once it's occurred. I have been coming to terms with that if I at least try then I'll be ok.
Those out there struggling, continue to challenge yourself and don't give up.
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