Rather than starting out with a personal post since I don't have much time at the moment I am going to do one in relation to a excellent resource I found a few weeks ago. SelfHarmSupport is a Youtube channel combining a variety of people and their thoughts on weekly questions posted by the viewers. I find this to be extremely helpful because it's not textbook information and opinion, but is actually the facts from those of us who struggle. Check it out if you need support or are just looking for some more knowledge about mental health and self harm.
This week's question is: "How does one go about starting to wear short sleeves again and ''baring all'', as it were. How do you gain the confidence to do this and to show your scars without feeling self conscious or like everyone is looking at you?"
I think there are many parts to this question that ultimately come down to acceptance and confidence. I think over time as the scars fade and become less obvious it becomes easier to walk around. If you're able to build confidence within yourself and are comfortable with who you are it's also easier. With confidence you can start to stand up for who you are. What does it matter if everyone isn't happy with you? We are who we are, and it's impossible to make everyone happy.
I feel showing scars is along the same lines. Some people may see them, try to understand, and at least accept you for who you are. While others don't care to understand, and we have to try and live with knowing that we accept ourselves and they are not the same person we are. Not caring to be accepting and try to understand doesn't give reason to be mean or rude, but some people will be like that anyways.
For me most of the scars are in places that people won't see all the time. Those in visible places are mostly faded now to the point that you have to be close to me to notice them. I am still very conscious about them though knowing they are there. In the case of the scars on my wrist my watch can help cover them up. I tell myself it's a problem I've struggled with and is something I am working on to fix. Everyone has problems, and this just happens to be what one of my problems is.
As for the actual experiences I've had where people have seen my scars.
The first time people saw my scars was not in a situation I had control of and I was very uncomfortable. My parents had found out during a visit to the pool one day, and asked me about them right in the middle of the pool. I thought I was going to be able to hide them somehow, but the chlorine made them stand out. In this situation I knew the people asking about them, and the way I replied was we'd talk about it later. That was the end of the conversation and attention till we got home later. That allowed me to not make a huge scene in front of people who I did not know and have a chance to spread awareness and seek help from my family.
In another scenario we went out to a lake for some water sports, where another family member found out, my younger sister. That time I was dead silent. I didn't know what to say to her; I wanted to protect her. I thought by her not knowing what I was going through would bring less pain and worry. I was wrong though. My sister told me if I every get into a bad place again to let her know and that she'll help me. Although I still have not told her exactly what was going on.
I avoid most water activities now as a way to try and hide my scars. However, this summer I may attempt to try and go swimming again. It's exhausting to hide all of the time, and the visible ones are faded, except maybe in the water. I used to love swimming. As time goes on I build my confidence and take little steps to try and recover. I have been self harm free for 3 years now, but still deal with harsh triggers and a number of mental issues. I use distraction techniques and confidence building techniques to try and keep making progress. There will be more posts later on some of these items.
SelfHarmSupport: http://www.youtube.com/user/selfharmsupport
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