Question in Regards to Repression

I haven't posted in a little over a week, but I have been busy with my job and life in general.

I have been thinking about something lately. Perhaps this is one piece of the puzzle I need to figure out to finally recover completely. When we "distract" ourselves and do other things instead of the negative behaviors are we really fixing the problem? All we are saying is okay I am in a bad place right now and going to do this other thing to take my mind elsewhere. In reality though we are repressing those thoughts instead of confronting them and working through them. After a while I just suddenly explode/implode, whatever term you want to use. This happens due to stress or some incident and then the thoughts come flooding back in full force and make everything worse. Then not only do I have the problem to deal with I have all the repressed thoughts too.

So my question is, how do we distract ourselves and confront the problems instead of just repressing them?

Counseling/Therapy Response to TheEmmyR

This is a response to a video by TheEmmyR on YouTube. I am making the response on the blog so I am not restricted by the short character message length of YouTube comments. 

Original video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1O967_S3FzE&feature=feedu

The original question was: "What should the goal of counseling be? To get rid of the urges of self harm? Or to accept the urges and learn to deal with them in a more positive way?"

My opinion probably differs from counselors, therapists, and psychiatrists. I would also go as far as saying the counselors and therapists need better awareness of the core issue of self harm, maybe they will check out some videos people like us make and become more knowledgeable. Text books to teach them can only go so far.

I think the goal of counseling should be to accept the urges and learn to deal with them. Long term I suppose they could go away, but I for one have not self harmed in 3 years now and still get very strong urges and triggers. I've even come close to giving in despite the length I have gone without it. I think the reason they will never go away is because my struggle with self harm was a part of me and has contributed to who I am today. There are ways to deal with the triggers though and channel them into a different type of emotion.

In these times I do things like:

1) Play a video game

2) Clean the house/living space

3) Call/Text a friend/family about something unrelated

4) Call/Text a friend/family for support

5) Listen to music or write

6) Go to sleep for the night

Those are the positive behaviors I use to deal with the urges and triggers.

I think counselors and therapists trying to get rid of the triggers is bordering on too much pressure and also a bit unrealistic. My #1 trigger these days stems from stress and flashbacks because my mind goes into overdrive and can't think as straight. My family doctor and someone in the family who works in the health care industry have both told me it's impossible to eliminate stress. There are only ways to manage stress. I think triggers and urges are a lot like managing stress. Self harm is a way to cope with something a.k.a. manage.

If counselors, therapists, and psychiatrists want to eliminate the urges they have to get to the core of the problem. We can't just erase a part of us an not deal with it though can we? Many things that sadden me now get turned into anger, and anger turned into sadness, but all that gets channeled into new ideas and ways to deal with the problem and change the world or myself.

I do not think a psychiatrist is the right person to talk to simply because their job is to prescribe medications, not deal with the core issues. From my experience psychiatrists are actually clueless when it comes to understanding what is really going on. One of my psychiatrists tried to pressure me into stopping and had the mindset you could just stop right away (what he actually did i'll leave out of this public post). That resulted in me removing myself from counseling, the depression getting worse, and isolation myself, all in an effort of self defense. I've had a couple not so bad experiences with counselors though and feel they are better fit to talk to.

Hopefully this at least answers some questions. If there are anymore or I need to elaborate more on something just let me know!

Sleepless

In context of my career

I wrote this post last night, but because I was trying to get to sleep decided just to write it and not actually post it since I couldn't look the post over for revision. Last night's part is below the line. I am a perfectionist. This post has to do with my life long dreams, career, and what I have gotten myself into with where I want to end up. Basically I had to repress my mind to avoid job discrimination, which is very difficult and comes back with a painful vengeance when I allow myself to be who I really am. That's as much as I really want to say about this particular post and poem I wrote, it's personal. I wish the stereotypes and discrimination didn't exist. I will follow up on the subject of stereotypes and discrimination later either through a video or post.
__________________________________________________________________

It's going to be another fairly sleepless night. Fell asleep when I got home from work and it took everything I had to pull myself back out of bed. I probably should have continued sleeping and just stayed awake all night instead. Now I am left wondering how much sleep I will get before I have to go back to work. The temperature is a roller coaster and it seems hot for some reason. It's really not hot though and it's just warm enough that a sweatshirt would bother me as I try to sleep. Then there is also a lot on my mind. Guess this is better than the nightmares I've been getting lately though. This is a rather boring post as I am trying to figure out how to fall asleep. I do love the night though.

Pretty numb tonight, so i'll share something i wrote last week.

Numb

It's the way of life,

Feeling nothingness,

Cold hearted, rage, anger;

Replaces the voided soul

The life i signed up for,

A life never wanted,

Yet the path is unavoidable

Trained to zero everything out,

To think and feel nothing,

Pretend all is balanced and ok,

The ultimate mindless warrior

Emotions present but suppressed,

Immense pain once unleashed,

Extreme uncontrollable anger

Thoughts must be locked away;

Not confronted, not resolved-

For life is on the line,

Everything ever dreamed of

Locked up, numb

A Little About Myself, Part 1

I don't know how many parts there will be to this or where to really start, but here is some information about myself.

About 6 years ago I was diagnosed with major depression, it was the summer after my freshman year of college. Although the problems began fall of my freshman year. The year prior to my senior year in high school I moved and was required to go to a new school, having to leave all my friends behind without any goodbyes.

Self harm started the fall of my freshman year, where I got the idea I don't know. Why I started self harm instead of something more healthy I don't know. I got addicted to self harm, which became a release, and it lasted fairly consistently for 3 years.

I made a commitment to someone very closely at the time that I would try to give up self harm if she tried with me. The problem never really has gone away mentally though. A year prior I had turned 21. Giving up self harm I turned to alcohol, although not to the point of falling on the floor, it's casual but still probably not good for me. I still get harsh triggers and fear relapse.

I've sought help in the past, but have found it very difficult to trust people.

I am in a better place now than I was in the past, but still notice something isn't quite right. I get very anxious around people and being out in a crowd is near impossible unless I am with someone, which still is very difficult. That leads into my anxiety issues.

Since I have graduated college I work as a fulltime software developer.

I sometimes wonder if there is more than depression and anxiety that is wrong with me. I am again considering seeking some kind of help, but am fearful. I have done a lot of writing and understand a lot more now than I did 6 years ago. Writing, music, and gaming are the major distractions that get me through the difficult times.

I am 24 and want to change the world, recover fully, and spread awareness.

I enjoy music and gaming.

SelfHarmSupport Weekly Question - Showing Your Scars

Rather than starting out with a personal post since I don't have much time at the moment I am going to do one in relation to a excellent resource I found a few weeks ago. SelfHarmSupport is a Youtube channel combining a variety of people and their thoughts on weekly questions posted by the viewers. I find this to be extremely helpful because it's not textbook information and opinion, but is actually the facts from those of us who struggle. Check it out if you need support or are just looking for some more knowledge about mental health and self harm.

This week's question is: "How does one go about starting to wear short sleeves again and ''baring all'', as it were. How do you gain the confidence to do this and to show your scars without feeling self conscious or like everyone is looking at you?"

I think there are many parts to this question that ultimately come down to acceptance and confidence. I think over time as the scars fade and become less obvious it becomes easier to walk around. If you're able to build confidence within yourself and are comfortable with who you are it's also easier. With confidence you can start to stand up for who you are. What does it matter if everyone isn't happy with you? We are who we are, and it's impossible to make everyone happy.

I feel showing scars is along the same lines. Some people may see them, try to understand, and at least accept you for who you are. While others don't care to understand, and we have to try and live with knowing that we accept ourselves and they are not the same person we are. Not caring to be accepting and try to understand doesn't give reason to be mean or rude, but some people will be like that anyways.

For me most of the scars are in places that people won't see all the time. Those in visible places are mostly faded now to the point that you have to be close to me to notice them. I am still very conscious about them though knowing they are there. In the case of the scars on my wrist my watch can help cover them up. I tell myself it's a problem I've struggled with and is something I am working on to fix. Everyone has problems, and this just happens to be what one of my problems is.

As for the actual experiences I've had where people have seen my scars.

The first time people saw my scars was not in a situation I had control of and I was very uncomfortable. My parents had found out during a visit to the pool one day, and asked me about them right in the middle of the pool. I thought I was going to be able to hide them somehow, but the chlorine made them stand out. In this situation I knew the people asking about them, and the way I replied was we'd talk about it later. That was the end of the conversation and attention till we got home later. That allowed me to not make a huge scene in front of people who I did not know and have a chance to spread awareness and seek help from my family.

In another scenario we went out to a lake for some water sports, where another family member found out, my younger sister. That time I was dead silent. I didn't know what to say to her; I wanted to protect her. I thought by her not knowing what I was going through would bring less pain and worry. I was wrong though. My sister told me if I every get into a bad place again to let her know and that she'll help me. Although I still have not told her exactly what was going on.

I avoid most water activities now as a way to try and hide my scars. However, this summer I may attempt to try and go swimming again. It's exhausting to hide all of the time, and the visible ones are faded, except maybe in the water. I used to love swimming. As time goes on I build my confidence and take little steps to try and recover. I have been self harm free for 3 years now, but still deal with harsh triggers and a number of mental issues. I use distraction techniques and confidence building techniques to try and keep making progress. There will be more posts later on some of these items.

SelfHarmSupport: http://www.youtube.com/user/selfharmsupport