It's easy for us all to throw around blame during our darkest of moments. It's easy for us to get lost within the darkest thoughts of our mind when we are in crisis. I've come to a realization this evening that I'd like to write about. A realization that just came to me as I have been reflecting on my recent state of crisis. It's been 5 years since I was this impaired from the self awareness I usually have. That high level of self awareness is coming back though and I realized tonight it is still there. If I put myself first it will always be there and that's one of the lessons I am learning from the crisis I've been in lately.
As I continue to get through this latest crisis and begin to look at the lessons learned the number one lesson keeps coming back to "communication". 5 years ago I knew something was wrong and put myself first but I didn't address the problem and had no idea what to do this time around. All I had were my bad experiences that kept me from addressing myself as needed last time that nearly kept me from doing the same this time. What I had this time was the loss of two friends that said "wake up, you are going down the same path" that really made me realize I needed to seek help and put myself first.
Seeking help this time around, as was the case last time (in that I left college to focus on myself), has saved my life yet again. The dark days aren't gone entirely and I am learning to accept that is just a part of who I am and I will continue to get through them just as I have done before. I've also learned this time around that it is ok to talk and address what I am dealing with. For the first time I am openly talking about what it is I am dealing with and the worst of the thoughts I have. I'm learning that just because I think or feel something doesn't mean I am going to act on it. That alone is helping me build self confidence in the ability to get through the many difficult emotions I deal with at times.
Guilt has driven many of my decisions to stay in some situations I've needed to get out of. I am a very caring person and get a lot out of helping others. I am committed in whatever I do and am not the one to "give up". I have an instinct to keep on fighting and one that tends to tells me I am invincible, just to repress the thoughts I have and move on. That's what I have been taught all along though: whether it's my parents telling me I am fine, nothing is wrong, and to just be happy; or whether it's the discrimination I've dealt with at work that tells me it's not ok to address my issues; or if it's not being addressed in a support group because I've been a leader and am therefore supposed to be "perfect".
Those are some of the reasons it has taken this long and the recent circumstances to realize how important it is to first and foremost make sure I, myself, am ok before stepping out to help others. The ability to make this decision, the support of friends and family I've received throughout this difficult time, and the strength I am developing from it is what I hope others will be able to see. I hope that I can be an inspiration to others to get the help they need when they need it. I have dealt with the guilt and the dark thoughts and still do but we really have to focus on ourselves. Some of us can't speak and some are very indecisive as I have been. Some see the quietness and the indecisiveness as selfishness.
It's not selfishness. Some aren't sure what to do and how to handle the guilt. Some feel like they are going to be blamed for problems afterwards. The problem is in not communicating well enough when we are struggling so those around us can better understand and be supportive to the best of their ability. I have friends with several different view points. There is a stigma in the mental health community as well but it manifests itself in the form of guilt and our desire to help out everyone around us who is struggling. We've dealt with the general stigma and have been through such dark times we want to be there for and help everyone. Lets take a moment though to step back and look at our own selves.
Lets make sure we are ok ourselves. Lets continue to support one another in the difficult times we deal with. I am grateful to have the friends that I do and the support that we are able to give to one another. What we need is to be able to be open, to understand, and accept, when each of us find ourself in a place that warrants more self focus and stepping back to ensure we continue to move forward. It's a little early for my new years resolution but my effort in the short term is to make sure I am myself and continue to be there for my friends. I have also learned I only need a small group of great friends rather than a large group of friends who may not know me all that well. Be well, and happy holidays.
Showing posts with label Scars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Scars. Show all posts
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Monday, April 4, 2011
SelfHarmSupport Weekly Question - Showing Your Scars
Rather than starting out with a personal post since I don't have much time at the moment I am going to do one in relation to a excellent resource I found a few weeks ago. SelfHarmSupport is a Youtube channel combining a variety of people and their thoughts on weekly questions posted by the viewers. I find this to be extremely helpful because it's not textbook information and opinion, but is actually the facts from those of us who struggle. Check it out if you need support or are just looking for some more knowledge about mental health and self harm.
This week's question is: "How does one go about starting to wear short sleeves again and ''baring all'', as it were. How do you gain the confidence to do this and to show your scars without feeling self conscious or like everyone is looking at you?"
I think there are many parts to this question that ultimately come down to acceptance and confidence. I think over time as the scars fade and become less obvious it becomes easier to walk around. If you're able to build confidence within yourself and are comfortable with who you are it's also easier. With confidence you can start to stand up for who you are. What does it matter if everyone isn't happy with you? We are who we are, and it's impossible to make everyone happy.
I feel showing scars is along the same lines. Some people may see them, try to understand, and at least accept you for who you are. While others don't care to understand, and we have to try and live with knowing that we accept ourselves and they are not the same person we are. Not caring to be accepting and try to understand doesn't give reason to be mean or rude, but some people will be like that anyways.
For me most of the scars are in places that people won't see all the time. Those in visible places are mostly faded now to the point that you have to be close to me to notice them. I am still very conscious about them though knowing they are there. In the case of the scars on my wrist my watch can help cover them up. I tell myself it's a problem I've struggled with and is something I am working on to fix. Everyone has problems, and this just happens to be what one of my problems is.
As for the actual experiences I've had where people have seen my scars.
The first time people saw my scars was not in a situation I had control of and I was very uncomfortable. My parents had found out during a visit to the pool one day, and asked me about them right in the middle of the pool. I thought I was going to be able to hide them somehow, but the chlorine made them stand out. In this situation I knew the people asking about them, and the way I replied was we'd talk about it later. That was the end of the conversation and attention till we got home later. That allowed me to not make a huge scene in front of people who I did not know and have a chance to spread awareness and seek help from my family.
In another scenario we went out to a lake for some water sports, where another family member found out, my younger sister. That time I was dead silent. I didn't know what to say to her; I wanted to protect her. I thought by her not knowing what I was going through would bring less pain and worry. I was wrong though. My sister told me if I every get into a bad place again to let her know and that she'll help me. Although I still have not told her exactly what was going on.
I avoid most water activities now as a way to try and hide my scars. However, this summer I may attempt to try and go swimming again. It's exhausting to hide all of the time, and the visible ones are faded, except maybe in the water. I used to love swimming. As time goes on I build my confidence and take little steps to try and recover. I have been self harm free for 3 years now, but still deal with harsh triggers and a number of mental issues. I use distraction techniques and confidence building techniques to try and keep making progress. There will be more posts later on some of these items.
SelfHarmSupport: http://www.youtube.com/user/selfharmsupport
This week's question is: "How does one go about starting to wear short sleeves again and ''baring all'', as it were. How do you gain the confidence to do this and to show your scars without feeling self conscious or like everyone is looking at you?"
I think there are many parts to this question that ultimately come down to acceptance and confidence. I think over time as the scars fade and become less obvious it becomes easier to walk around. If you're able to build confidence within yourself and are comfortable with who you are it's also easier. With confidence you can start to stand up for who you are. What does it matter if everyone isn't happy with you? We are who we are, and it's impossible to make everyone happy.
I feel showing scars is along the same lines. Some people may see them, try to understand, and at least accept you for who you are. While others don't care to understand, and we have to try and live with knowing that we accept ourselves and they are not the same person we are. Not caring to be accepting and try to understand doesn't give reason to be mean or rude, but some people will be like that anyways.
For me most of the scars are in places that people won't see all the time. Those in visible places are mostly faded now to the point that you have to be close to me to notice them. I am still very conscious about them though knowing they are there. In the case of the scars on my wrist my watch can help cover them up. I tell myself it's a problem I've struggled with and is something I am working on to fix. Everyone has problems, and this just happens to be what one of my problems is.
As for the actual experiences I've had where people have seen my scars.
The first time people saw my scars was not in a situation I had control of and I was very uncomfortable. My parents had found out during a visit to the pool one day, and asked me about them right in the middle of the pool. I thought I was going to be able to hide them somehow, but the chlorine made them stand out. In this situation I knew the people asking about them, and the way I replied was we'd talk about it later. That was the end of the conversation and attention till we got home later. That allowed me to not make a huge scene in front of people who I did not know and have a chance to spread awareness and seek help from my family.
In another scenario we went out to a lake for some water sports, where another family member found out, my younger sister. That time I was dead silent. I didn't know what to say to her; I wanted to protect her. I thought by her not knowing what I was going through would bring less pain and worry. I was wrong though. My sister told me if I every get into a bad place again to let her know and that she'll help me. Although I still have not told her exactly what was going on.
I avoid most water activities now as a way to try and hide my scars. However, this summer I may attempt to try and go swimming again. It's exhausting to hide all of the time, and the visible ones are faded, except maybe in the water. I used to love swimming. As time goes on I build my confidence and take little steps to try and recover. I have been self harm free for 3 years now, but still deal with harsh triggers and a number of mental issues. I use distraction techniques and confidence building techniques to try and keep making progress. There will be more posts later on some of these items.
SelfHarmSupport: http://www.youtube.com/user/selfharmsupport
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)