Recovery and Seeking Help: Part 2

The last post I made was in regards to a step backwards progress-wise and my upcoming doctor appointment to try and figure out what is going on with me. That appointment was last Friday and I would like to reflect back on it, the outcome, and where I think I am headed in the future from it.

The core issues that I spoke with the doctor about - Other than essential tasks to survive, such as; going to work or the grocery store for food, arriving at an airport, etc - I find it nearly impossible to leave my home and do something. I get very nauseous, have trouble breathing, and am brought down to my knees. Panic attacks and anxiety overcome me most of the time and it takes everything in my to put a stop to them. Another issue is relapse of self-injury, although not nearly as severe as it used to be. Based off of these issues the doctor diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).

Generalized Anxiety Disorder is frequent/constant worry and anxiety over many different events. Anxiety can crop up for no reason even without hardly anything to provoke it. For anyone that wants more detailed information on GAD I will put a couple links at the bottom of the post. Just to include some of the symptoms though, all ones I experience, from the National Library of Medicine:

• Difficulty concentrating
• Fatigue
• Irritability
• Problems falling or staying asleep, and sleep that is often restless and unsatisfying
• Restlessness, and often becoming startled very easily

The idea is if my GAD can be treated perhaps the other issues will begin to clear up too. I really hope that is the case and am trying to stay optimistic. I feel there are other issues too, but need to take one step at a time and see where the GAD treatment leads first. I am comfortable with and trust the doctor I am seeing, something I didn't have in the past with psychiatrists. He focuses on the issues you tell him about and he wants to have monthly followups with me to ensure I am getting the best care possible.

The initial treatment plan doesn't involve any counselors. I have been prescribed Paxil (Paroxetine), an anti-depressant used to treat depression, panic disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder, to name a few. It's supposed to take roughly 1-2 weeks for the meds to actually start taking effect. Potentially 4-6 weeks  for depression to start going away from what I have read. In the meantime I am thinking about attending local National Alliance on Mental Illness support groups where I can share my experience with people like me. NAMI groups would also provide a way of asking about counselors in the area who care and are friendly, giving me the opportunity to include that in my treatment eventually.

So far there is not much to report since I have only been on Paxil for 9 days. The side effects were fairly severe when I first started the medicine: I was constantly nauseous and exhausted. The nausea isn't as frequent or as bad as it initially was and I was told all of these types of medication cause that. That likely explains the problem I had with Welbutrin in the past and its withdrawal. At least this time I understand what is going on and have someone who understands what they are prescribing me.

As a result I have started taking Pepcid Complete more frequently again and it seems to help. I might take it every 12 hours like I do when I get gastritis just as a precautionary measure. As for being sleepy, that is still an issue, but is a little more manageable. I do best on the weekends when I can take a nap whenever I want. I'm considering a switch to taking the Paxil before I go to bed and seeing if that helps.

I have noticed changes in my mood and appetite even though my mood and anxiety aren't cured. When I drive to work in the morning I feel a bit more relaxed now and my appetite is starting to come back. Before where I had to force myself to eat something just because I need to eat a small piece of lasagna now leaves me still hungry. Not only that, while at work I will start to lose energy and if I eat something or drink a soda my body starts to balance out again. This coming week I will probably try to get out and do a couple things and see if I am becoming more relaxed as I think I am.

Sleep has become slightly more balanced during the night, but still has some work to go. I am able to go to bed a bit early than I used to which is good for my work situation, although I wake up earlier. Both could be positive changes. The self-injury this last week also wasn't as frequent with the medication helping to balance me out. I won't post the self-injury details since they are irrelevant.

In the coming weeks I will post updates about how the treatment is going and follow ups with the doctor. I have a doctor who cares, I am comfortable with and a family standing behind me and supporting me through this. Not to mention I am more focused on myself this time. I've let people into my world, something I vowed I would never do 6 1/2 years ago, and it really has made a difference. I don't have to fight this alone this time around, and neither do you if you're out there struggling.


Note: I hope to return to youtube soon and haven't forgotten about everyone there.


http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001915/ (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad/index.shtml
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001037/ (Paxil [Paroxetine])
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/generalized-anxiety-disorder/DS00502

Recovery and Seeking Help: Part 1

Fall is among us, the leaves are beginning to fall, and the temperature is beginning to drop outside. September was usually a month I could turn off the A/C and open up the windows. Place some fans and was good to go. Nice and relaxing to come home and just relax in a cool environment. This is also the worst time of year for me typically. Thoughts of what happened 4 years ago revisit my mind, although it's not as bad as a year after. Each year had seemed to get better, except this year I've noticed a little progress in the opposite direction.

I have not returned to when I was the worst, but I want to make sure that doesn't happen. There are steps I have taken to try and make sure this doesn't happen, one in particular, not stay quite as silent this time. I've initiated steps that are a little quicker than I would like them to be, but I think that's also part of my mind speaking against me. At the same time I really see that it's best to try and tackle this before it's too late.

So what am I doing differently this time around that I have learned from the past? First I've tried to admit to myself that there may actually be a problem. What the exact problem is I am not entirely sure, it could be a number of things, but my mood seems to bounce between extremes at the flip of a switch. Not only that, but there is also a fear of abandonment brewing and uncertainty what is going to happen if I lose full control of what I try to do to get through this. What I am trying to do to get through this is threefold, may be too much.

Admitting to the issue was the first step, but I realize I need to do more than that. I even need to do more than blog about my issues. I need to talk to someone about my issues, who though I am trying to figure out. There are a couple options I have in mind, some more appealing/comforting than others. I have set up a doctors appointment with the family doctor as a way to try and initiate the initial process of seeking help. He is the person I first saw six and a half years ago, and the only one I feel that understood me. I am hoping maybe he can point me in the right direction, and my family would really like to see me talk to him as well.

I told someone close to me in my family that something seems to be coming back. I did this for two reasons: I want people close to me to understand what is really going on, and maybe they can better support me and not be so judgmental towards others. The second reason is it gives something else to help hold me accountable. What I am struggling with a lot is fear of abandonment, because I really don't know how everyone is going to react, based on parts of my past. I am also really unsure what happens after my doctors appointment.

Aside from those steps I have been taking other steps as well to try and seek help. I have read online sources, listened to radio shows, listen to music, watch television, game, a variety of different activities. What I think may help me the most is a form of help online, or some other local options in my community I am still trying to explore. Those reasons though are why I think my approach may be a little too rushed, because I am unsure entirely what is going to work best for me. I don't want things to go in the wrong direction again and shutdown. Another fear I have is what impact this would have on employment, but seeking help should hopefully be viewed as a positive thing and it's very important to focus on your health above anything else.

Different this time for sure though, is that I am not completely silent like I was before. I want to maintain control of my life, and I have more tools this time around that I am aware of, many listed above. While I may be fearful I think that's all part of the issues I experience. It was just this year I really started trying to uncover problems I have dealt with and face them head on. I don't want to repress everything like I used to and I want to have full control over my life. Starting to face my issues may even be why I have taken a step backward. Something I know for sure though is that I want to stay committed and recover fully.

Reflection on College Living

I've seen a couple videos from regular vlogs I keep up on weekly in regards to mental health, this time on college living. One from The Emmy R and the other From Miss Lizenka. I'll link them before moving on with my own experiences so you can get their perspectives as well. They both have good information. I would like to add to their input based on reflection having graduated a couple years ago.

Emmy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3YhJuu5Hx0
Liza: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnPz2S8F6iY

The Questions Are:
1)did you ever consider any other living options?
2)in relation to mental health how had living on campus effected you?
3)if you could change your living situation for collage would you? why?


Freshman year I chose to live in a freshman only residence hall thinking everyone was new and therefore it would be an environment where we all struggled together and made good friendships. The opposite kind of happened though, where everyone was free from their parents for the first time and most of the people there caused a lot of trouble. My recommendation to freshman would be to pick out a residence hall with a variety of people. Freshman to struggle along with and the more senior students to help mentor you along the way as you come along stressful times and any questions. My resident assistant who was a couple years ahead was a great person to talk to or just to chill with during a stressful time.

I can't really say I had any positive experience with roommates, but I did learn about different types of people and how to better deal with people. What it comes down to though, the roommates greatly impacted my mental health. I'll provide an overview of the different situations I was in. I'm not entirely against roommates, but keep the situations in mind when thinking about living with someone.

Freshman (1st) year my roommate and I got along fairly well the first semester, but not so much the second. My self harm and major depression were largely a part of me by the end of the first semester my freshman year and the second semester only isolated me more. My roommate would come in at late hours of the night and turn on the lights or play loud video games, waking me up. This contributed to a lack of sleep which in return impacted my ability to get the rest I needed to focus and think more clearly.

Sophomore (2nd) and Junior (3rd) years my roommates left after the first semester and I would have the room to myself for the final semester of the year. Both once again had some issues, but unlike my first roommate, both were more accepting of me. I found living on my own in the college residence hall to be both helpful and hard. The situation was helpful in that I could focus on myself without having to worry about someone else contributing to my downfall. Being close to on-campus friends, dining, and assistance was also a plus. What made living alone hard was that I could dwell in my sadness and really didn't have anyone around to talk to because I could just sit around in my room. Looking back this is also where some great distractions I've mentioned or others from fellow blogs could be utilized.

Senior (4th) year was my breaking point. I actually started out with a single room all to myself, but I do not attribute that to my problems, rather, the problems I had with some of the staff at the college sent me into a further downward spiral. I had to leave for a year and come back a 5th so I could focus on myself and getting better. When I returned the following year I actually stayed in an apartment off-campus roughly 1-2 miles away. Being 1-2 miles away with sidewalks all the way to the college is one of the reasons I would advocate living off campus. Every day I had class I had to get up and walk to the college. This resulted in a lot of physical exercise which also helps with better mental health. By living off campus I was also responsible for paying monthly bills, going to the grocery store and making my own meals. All of this contributed to focus on myself and providing things to keep busy with.

If I had to go through college again though I would have tried to make a few more friends, and not just friends, ones that would hopefully last. It would have been a better experience had I known a few people to hang out with during the evenings and on weekends, maybe even live with off campus. One semester I had a group of friends to hang out with on a regular basis and it helped to an extent. When surrounded by other people it was harder for me to fall into myself and my ways of dealing with things.

So to sum things up I tried residence hall living with and without a roommate and off-campus living. Living on campus for me was more of a negative impact but taught me a lot if we focus on the positive side and I definitely think having some good friends and one of them as a roommate would benefit.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading and I hope the information helps!

Off-Topic | New Job, Nervous

Starting a new job tomorrow much more in line with what I think I want to do with my career. I've been feeling mostly ok the weeks up until this moment and keeping everything under control, down to the last few hours. Now I am suddenly freaking out. I've become rather anxious and nervous. I have no reason to doubt things will go well, just a completely different environment I am about to step into. Took a pepcid complete to help with any extra acid this may cause my stomach to create. Got some water for a neutral fluid that won't bother me. Now just trying to breathe and relax to calm down. Slowly working. Think the next step is to read a book and also try to wind down so I can make an effort to get to sleep.