Fall is among us, the leaves are beginning to fall, and the temperature is beginning to drop outside. September was usually a month I could turn off the A/C and open up the windows. Place some fans and was good to go. Nice and relaxing to come home and just relax in a cool environment. This is also the worst time of year for me typically. Thoughts of what happened 4 years ago revisit my mind, although it's not as bad as a year after. Each year had seemed to get better, except this year I've noticed a little progress in the opposite direction.
I have not returned to when I was the worst, but I want to make sure that doesn't happen. There are steps I have taken to try and make sure this doesn't happen, one in particular, not stay quite as silent this time. I've initiated steps that are a little quicker than I would like them to be, but I think that's also part of my mind speaking against me. At the same time I really see that it's best to try and tackle this before it's too late.
So what am I doing differently this time around that I have learned from the past? First I've tried to admit to myself that there may actually be a problem. What the exact problem is I am not entirely sure, it could be a number of things, but my mood seems to bounce between extremes at the flip of a switch. Not only that, but there is also a fear of abandonment brewing and uncertainty what is going to happen if I lose full control of what I try to do to get through this. What I am trying to do to get through this is threefold, may be too much.
Admitting to the issue was the first step, but I realize I need to do more than that. I even need to do more than blog about my issues. I need to talk to someone about my issues, who though I am trying to figure out. There are a couple options I have in mind, some more appealing/comforting than others. I have set up a doctors appointment with the family doctor as a way to try and initiate the initial process of seeking help. He is the person I first saw six and a half years ago, and the only one I feel that understood me. I am hoping maybe he can point me in the right direction, and my family would really like to see me talk to him as well.
I told someone close to me in my family that something seems to be coming back. I did this for two reasons: I want people close to me to understand what is really going on, and maybe they can better support me and not be so judgmental towards others. The second reason is it gives something else to help hold me accountable. What I am struggling with a lot is fear of abandonment, because I really don't know how everyone is going to react, based on parts of my past. I am also really unsure what happens after my doctors appointment.
Aside from those steps I have been taking other steps as well to try and seek help. I have read online sources, listened to radio shows, listen to music, watch television, game, a variety of different activities. What I think may help me the most is a form of help online, or some other local options in my community I am still trying to explore. Those reasons though are why I think my approach may be a little too rushed, because I am unsure entirely what is going to work best for me. I don't want things to go in the wrong direction again and shutdown. Another fear I have is what impact this would have on employment, but seeking help should hopefully be viewed as a positive thing and it's very important to focus on your health above anything else.
Different this time for sure though, is that I am not completely silent like I was before. I want to maintain control of my life, and I have more tools this time around that I am aware of, many listed above. While I may be fearful I think that's all part of the issues I experience. It was just this year I really started trying to uncover problems I have dealt with and face them head on. I don't want to repress everything like I used to and I want to have full control over my life. Starting to face my issues may even be why I have taken a step backward. Something I know for sure though is that I want to stay committed and recover fully.
No comments:
Post a Comment