In no way has any scientific research been done for this post, just personal observation of myself. This post is a bit longer than most of my others, so grab a drink, queue up the music, and tune in!
For me confidence is something that comes and goes. Most of the time in social situation it runs away and leaves me behind. There are some observations I have made though, especially in regards to my professional work life, not the same as my social life. One quote I always reference from the public speaking course I was required to take is: "To be confident act confident". For the most part that is true.
I am either confident or I have tricked myself into thinking I am confident at times. I think it has to do with the effort of hiding my mental illness issues in the past. There will be more on this in a bit.
What I want to touch on though is the role confidence has in correlation to other emotions. Especially what I have been seeing with myself at work lately. I went from doing very interesting development work at the beginning of the year and following design, to implementing the technology and completing another task at lightening speed with not much prior knowledge, to being pushed into a dysfunctional team under the thought I'd get them back on track, to moving to an entirely different job. My reaction has been happiness, anger, panic, anxiety, just about everything through the past 6 months.
Is there a correlation to my confidence levels? I tend to believe so, lets analyze.
First it's worth noting that I am a perfectionist and want to see my work through to the end, done right with a functional result. I quickly pick up new technology and techniques (quick learner) and can work well with just about anyone (unless the other party decides to ignore me in which case it's hard to). What I lack though is confidence and often doubt what I develop. I go through a very methodical approach of designing what I am going to do and consulting with the stakeholders prior to implementation. When I get a second opinion I am told what I came up with is pretty rock solid and a good start. I should really be confident in myself because I approach development the right way, but most often I lack confidence.
At the beginning of the year there was moderate structure, limited direction, and I was doing well. I felt that what I was doing was on track and was going to integrate well. I had a solid team to work and collaborate with. If I was struggling or needed a second opinion it was there. I was pretty confident, enjoyed what I was doing, and as a result was pretty happy going into work on a daily basis.
My success gave me incredible visibility and management thought I would be the perfect fit to turn a dysfunctional team into a functional team. This was the last shot they had at success, me turning them around. There was a lot riding on my shoulders. Not only that, the team refused to let me into their circle. I didn't have work to do and no one wanted to communicate with me. I spent my time suggesting changes and writing up status reports. What little work I did get I was setup for failure.
My confidence level was low and I constantly worried about failure and the lack of results. I worried about what this would mean for my future despite it not being my fault and it made me miserable for the duration. Towards the end I got to do some work with them and produce a design beforehand. I was still miserable in the sense that I was still with the group, but that interaction and progress I was able to make drove my confidence level up and I was actually happy working on what I was doing despite the rest of the situation. Within the last little bit on the team I actually thought I had something good to take away.
Next is the change in jobs. That's in the near future, and I am confident I can do amazing work. It will be a new culture, but the change scares me and makes me a bit anxious. I hope to meet their expectations and more. I know I can and am thankful I have been given the chance. I'm looking forward to it.
What does all this have to do with confidence? If I feel too pressured, am not given a realistic time frame (although due to my skill level I can typically produce something), or am thrown into something solo with no support to ask questions to, my confidence level drops quickly. If I begin to lack confidence I start to get angry, anxious, panic, and quickly think I may fail (despite my qualities that will actually lead me to success instead). If I begin to gain confidence I may start to feel invincible and overly confident.
The best example I have is a recent task. I've had to do design and implementation. I felt very confident throughout the design. Once the design grew in complexity though I began to wonder if I could actually complete it on time. But as I start to implement in small pieces I am finding it to be not so bad after all. My confidence levels are rising and I am starting to feel I may actually have it done ahead of schedule.
The lesson I have learned from all of this is to stand up for myself and what I do. Continue to go about development the way I do. Or anything else in my life really. Just being oneself and doing good things has paid off. This has been leading to advancement in my career and different people fighting over me.
If I have confidence in myself I can be happy knowing that I do things correctly and have done the best I can do. In regards to my past/recovery with mental illness I look at myself as I am in a better place today than I was a few years ago. I let the thought of my struggles with mental illness get me down and make me think my career had been destroyed sometimes (in some ways it's true, in most ways it's not).
My career got derailed a little, and I dealt with discrimination/stereotypes, but if I look at the larger picture I am just taking a different path. A path that I am beginning to take control over, allowing me to do what I want with my life. The road I am headed down is probably even better than the road I was going to head down before and much more flexible.
If you take a moment to look where you were then, where you are today, and just where things may be going tomorrow, there could be some surprises over just how much better a path is working out than originally thought. Try to have confidence knowing you are doing everything you can do to be successful and hopefully you'll find yourself stronger like myself and a little happier.
Even if you're struggling with an illness or addiction, look for the positive, what you are doing to overcome it or even just that thought that you know you need to overcome it or want to overcome it. Maybe you want to use your struggles to help someone else. There are different ways to turn your struggles into something more positive. Have confidence knowing you are living the best you can.
You can use that emotion to drive some pretty powerful change and ideas in yourself or the world.
Stand up for you. One step at a time. You are strong.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Personal Entry |1 - BPD, Bipolar, Depression
I have been on a mission ever since I was diagnosed with depression roughly six years ago to understand what is wrong with me and what I can do to get better. There is a part of me that doesn't necessarily want to get better and is afraid of what I will become when I am not quite me anymore. It's misery though always having issues with my mood and being so isolated that I don't have anyone else around. If I'm at a get together of some sort I am always the one in the corner not talking to anyone that no one else even wants to approach and start a conversation with. I am the one that can't bring myself to start a convo. For those reasons I have never given up trying to understand myself and figure out how to make life better.
I encourage everyone else to keep trying as well.
That's not quite the focus I had in mind for the post though. It's about what I have discovered recently.
Yes I got diagnosed with major depression six years ago, but I am not entirely convinced anymore that's actually what is going on. There was a part of me that feared bipolar. Also at the time I never knew about borderline personality disorder. What I couldn't figure out back then were the episodes of happiness, the mood shifts that occurred. I was extremely depressed, but there were these episodes when I found myself with a bunch of energy and basically happy. I thought nothing of it, just that most of the time I was down. The main issue of being down most of the time is also what I focused on in any counseling. I never brought up to any counselors any other moods I may have experienced. This was due to the issues I have with counseling in general and not being comfortable and trusting enough to share what is really going on with me to these so called professionals.
Then two years ago I entered the professional work force. This led to nothing too shocking. I managed to take on a positive mindset and stay strong. I thought that year prior was a pretty good effort towards recovery and becoming better again. Any trigger that reminded me of my past pretty quickly sent me into a angry rage or depressive state of mind. That I blamed on the recency of the struggles with depression in my past. I figured it was something that would take me time to distance from. Or I never truly recovered and it was the illness trying to take over me again. Probably a little of both, but I was much stronger and put up a strong resistance to maintain a good frame of mind.
More recently my mind has been crying to be released from the prison I locked it within. Without much ability to keep it restrained lately a lot of different thoughts have been coming and going. I essentially granted my mind the ability to feel again instead of being numb and thoughtless most of the time to avoid dealing with problems involving myself. I go between happy and depressed so rapidly and randomly that I can't predict when I'll be either. Shifts seem to be hours and days. Not only that, but I seem to be capable of experiencing multiple emotions at the same time. I can laugh, be angry, and depressed all at the same time. Scares me quite a bit when this happens, not something I seem to have control over. The other part about me that has stood out recently is the intensity friendships take on. Not only that, but how just the slightest shift of behavior towards me from someone flips the untrusting side of my mind. I am quick to feel people have forgotten about me, don't want me around anymore, or aren't being honest.
So the biggest question I am trying to figure out about myself now is: what is the real issue with me? I know something isn't right. If everything was ok I am pretty sure I would have made friends outside of work by now and wouldn't be having depressive and happy episodes so often. I am pretty sure a lot would be different in the way my life is right now if everything was well.
I may consider trying out counseling of some sort again, but for now I need to figure out on my own what is going on and the most effective form of getting better. I have been productive where I work and if things do get too out of hand as they did 3 1/2 years ago I will let someone know. I do not feel I am in any danger; I have the network and ability to seek help at a moments notice if I need it. I want to understand on my own rather than being brainwashed and not being able to think for myself.
Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar are often misdiagnosed as other mental illnesses. This has to do with the many different moods each present and focus only being on one core mood.
I am not a doctor, not a substitute for a doctor, and do not claim to be a doctor. All in this post is personal opinion and experience. I share this information to help reduce my own stress and provide insight to others for deeper thought and analysis to understand what is really going on with us.
I encourage everyone else to keep trying as well.
That's not quite the focus I had in mind for the post though. It's about what I have discovered recently.
Yes I got diagnosed with major depression six years ago, but I am not entirely convinced anymore that's actually what is going on. There was a part of me that feared bipolar. Also at the time I never knew about borderline personality disorder. What I couldn't figure out back then were the episodes of happiness, the mood shifts that occurred. I was extremely depressed, but there were these episodes when I found myself with a bunch of energy and basically happy. I thought nothing of it, just that most of the time I was down. The main issue of being down most of the time is also what I focused on in any counseling. I never brought up to any counselors any other moods I may have experienced. This was due to the issues I have with counseling in general and not being comfortable and trusting enough to share what is really going on with me to these so called professionals.
Then two years ago I entered the professional work force. This led to nothing too shocking. I managed to take on a positive mindset and stay strong. I thought that year prior was a pretty good effort towards recovery and becoming better again. Any trigger that reminded me of my past pretty quickly sent me into a angry rage or depressive state of mind. That I blamed on the recency of the struggles with depression in my past. I figured it was something that would take me time to distance from. Or I never truly recovered and it was the illness trying to take over me again. Probably a little of both, but I was much stronger and put up a strong resistance to maintain a good frame of mind.
More recently my mind has been crying to be released from the prison I locked it within. Without much ability to keep it restrained lately a lot of different thoughts have been coming and going. I essentially granted my mind the ability to feel again instead of being numb and thoughtless most of the time to avoid dealing with problems involving myself. I go between happy and depressed so rapidly and randomly that I can't predict when I'll be either. Shifts seem to be hours and days. Not only that, but I seem to be capable of experiencing multiple emotions at the same time. I can laugh, be angry, and depressed all at the same time. Scares me quite a bit when this happens, not something I seem to have control over. The other part about me that has stood out recently is the intensity friendships take on. Not only that, but how just the slightest shift of behavior towards me from someone flips the untrusting side of my mind. I am quick to feel people have forgotten about me, don't want me around anymore, or aren't being honest.
So the biggest question I am trying to figure out about myself now is: what is the real issue with me? I know something isn't right. If everything was ok I am pretty sure I would have made friends outside of work by now and wouldn't be having depressive and happy episodes so often. I am pretty sure a lot would be different in the way my life is right now if everything was well.
I may consider trying out counseling of some sort again, but for now I need to figure out on my own what is going on and the most effective form of getting better. I have been productive where I work and if things do get too out of hand as they did 3 1/2 years ago I will let someone know. I do not feel I am in any danger; I have the network and ability to seek help at a moments notice if I need it. I want to understand on my own rather than being brainwashed and not being able to think for myself.
Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar are often misdiagnosed as other mental illnesses. This has to do with the many different moods each present and focus only being on one core mood.
I am not a doctor, not a substitute for a doctor, and do not claim to be a doctor. All in this post is personal opinion and experience. I share this information to help reduce my own stress and provide insight to others for deeper thought and analysis to understand what is really going on with us.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Disconnected and Defiant
I am not entirely sure what happened to me over the past week.
The week started with my mind taking over and telling me who I was. My mind told me I am who I was 6 years ago and started steering me right back down the path to some of the darkest days of my life. Any type of distraction I had in my book wasn't working. I had no support network of people I could talk to. My mind took a hold of me much stronger than it ever has in the past. I completely fell into myself.
Then one day someone sent me a link to a music video and I snapped back into reality to an extent. I suddenly remembered how music tends to help calm and relax me. It has returned to being my cure. Just now I am beginning to recover from what has been a week of misery. One theme throughout it has been my mind telling me to be who I really am. To not let my career take over my life like it has been.
I guess somewhere as I started taking a stand for myself to guide my career to a position I am happy - my defenses went down and repressed memories took over. I'm now terrified about confronting them.
Mental health issues destroyed my college years, what were supposed to be the best years of my life. Now I am worried they are going to destroy my career if I even attempt to be myself and confront any problems. I have made a stand though and 3 1/2 months of effort to get myself out of a position at work that has made me unhappy is starting to pay off. I am finally getting myself shifted to something better. I am also moving, which terrifies me. A change in job, a change in location, standing up for myself and who I am, all happening at once. Before long I will be in completely new territory with nothing to hold onto.
Two things I have that have been helping me through this are a good friend and music. The many sleepless nights I have gone through this week I've been able to vent. And when I finally try to sleep I put on some music and shut my mind down. Now I am trying to disconnect myself again and get myself back in line. Most of my friends ran away in the time I needed them most. One thing all this has taught be is that I am not as safe as I thought and I need to make some new friends so I do have that support when I need it.
I am afraid to think of what may of happened if I didn't have a couple things to grab onto as I started furiously falling back down again. I will keep fighting for myself and fighting to push 3 years of self harm free (even though barely I pushed off the strongest urges I've had in 3 years this past week) even further as tempting as it may get. My move in the near future as scary as it is may be the first step in recovering fully, as long as it comforts me as much as I am anticipating.
Stay strong and hold onto at least a couple things for times like this.
It's possible to get through the most difficult of times.
The week started with my mind taking over and telling me who I was. My mind told me I am who I was 6 years ago and started steering me right back down the path to some of the darkest days of my life. Any type of distraction I had in my book wasn't working. I had no support network of people I could talk to. My mind took a hold of me much stronger than it ever has in the past. I completely fell into myself.
Then one day someone sent me a link to a music video and I snapped back into reality to an extent. I suddenly remembered how music tends to help calm and relax me. It has returned to being my cure. Just now I am beginning to recover from what has been a week of misery. One theme throughout it has been my mind telling me to be who I really am. To not let my career take over my life like it has been.
I guess somewhere as I started taking a stand for myself to guide my career to a position I am happy - my defenses went down and repressed memories took over. I'm now terrified about confronting them.
Mental health issues destroyed my college years, what were supposed to be the best years of my life. Now I am worried they are going to destroy my career if I even attempt to be myself and confront any problems. I have made a stand though and 3 1/2 months of effort to get myself out of a position at work that has made me unhappy is starting to pay off. I am finally getting myself shifted to something better. I am also moving, which terrifies me. A change in job, a change in location, standing up for myself and who I am, all happening at once. Before long I will be in completely new territory with nothing to hold onto.
Two things I have that have been helping me through this are a good friend and music. The many sleepless nights I have gone through this week I've been able to vent. And when I finally try to sleep I put on some music and shut my mind down. Now I am trying to disconnect myself again and get myself back in line. Most of my friends ran away in the time I needed them most. One thing all this has taught be is that I am not as safe as I thought and I need to make some new friends so I do have that support when I need it.
I am afraid to think of what may of happened if I didn't have a couple things to grab onto as I started furiously falling back down again. I will keep fighting for myself and fighting to push 3 years of self harm free (even though barely I pushed off the strongest urges I've had in 3 years this past week) even further as tempting as it may get. My move in the near future as scary as it is may be the first step in recovering fully, as long as it comforts me as much as I am anticipating.
Stay strong and hold onto at least a couple things for times like this.
It's possible to get through the most difficult of times.
New Rating System, Links, and Search
There is a new rating system below each post I have implemented, that is also outlined at the bottom of the blog. I thought this would be a good way for anyone, especially those who just like to read, to contribute quickly and anonymously. I will use any data from the ratings to help guide the content on this blog.
MENTAL HEALTH SUPPORT AND AWARENESS BLOG RATING SYSTEM
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Reflections on Anxiety
This is going to be more of a reflection on the past and what I think I've learned from it. So read on if you care to and see if you notice the same and if there is anything we can learn; I think we can. One of the conclusions I am coming to is that anxiety may be one of the larger issues I've dealt with over the past year (that's what I think is going on at least since I don't feel comfortable with doctors). It wasn't till I really started facing certain situations head on that this became obvious to me.
It was so natural growing up to stand in the corner away from the crowd and interact well with adults than it was to interact with people my own age. People my age weren't friendly to me, they were downright mean. I came to stick around adults more and really didn't think much of it till a couple years ago when I entered the professional workforce and started interacting with people of all ages. I had to figure out how to interact with people my age at work and it turned out not terrible, but still not as comfortable as I'd like. I even had issues with the adults at work to an extent. There was anxiety, but it wasn't terribly crippling.
So a year ago when I got sent on my first business trip many miles from home I was entering new territory. I could barely eat breakfast because I was so anxious, lunch was hit or miss if I could make myself get through it, and dinner was minimal. I had a desire to walk the town however though, so I don't know. It wasn't till the night at the park where we all had dinner and I couldn't function at all. I had to strip down to my undershirt and get co-workers to carry any belongings I had just so I could try to relax and breathe. All while coming up with a story as to why I fell to the ground because the last thing I needed was to talk about issues I've hidden from them all along and been able to handle on my own till now.
That is only one incident of many that have occurred over the past year. This issue has caused me to pull off the side of the road, sit in parking lots to gain composure, and stay back at my home instead of going places. Wherever I go it feels like I am being judged and people are just staring at me. If I try to go somewhere with a group of friends I am just motionless stuck standing in a corner somewhere, crippled. Maybe I am not entirely comfortable with my co-workers who I chill with from time to time. Why am I OK in the work environment but not in a highly public place though? These co-workers are close enough to have my back if something goes down.
What I have been trying to do to combat all this though is start to dive into things. I try not to care about what's going on and how I feel in the sense of how anxious I am. I try to shut that emotion off. I try to tell myself everything isn't so bad. It usually isn't as bad as my mind makes it seem. As I do more and more things I seem to get more comfortable.
One day at the airport I found it difficult to get from my car to the shuttle stop; I was going to be stuck sitting in the parking lot for who knows how long. As soon as I saw the shuttle coming though something hit me inside and I pushed myself to run over to the stop location. That was the end of the anxiety for that moment and I finally had control of myself again. This incident is where I came to the conclusion that it is possible to control and overcome my anxiety if I am able to make the effort to relax and strengthen myself against a situation.
While I haven't cured the anxiety issue entirely I am feeling more like I can probably control it and overcome it over time. No matter whether something may succeed or fail I just go along with the situation because I will not get anywhere if I don't try. What happens happens, there is not much I can do to change something once it's occurred. I have been coming to terms with that if I at least try then I'll be ok.
Those out there struggling, continue to challenge yourself and don't give up.
It was so natural growing up to stand in the corner away from the crowd and interact well with adults than it was to interact with people my own age. People my age weren't friendly to me, they were downright mean. I came to stick around adults more and really didn't think much of it till a couple years ago when I entered the professional workforce and started interacting with people of all ages. I had to figure out how to interact with people my age at work and it turned out not terrible, but still not as comfortable as I'd like. I even had issues with the adults at work to an extent. There was anxiety, but it wasn't terribly crippling.
So a year ago when I got sent on my first business trip many miles from home I was entering new territory. I could barely eat breakfast because I was so anxious, lunch was hit or miss if I could make myself get through it, and dinner was minimal. I had a desire to walk the town however though, so I don't know. It wasn't till the night at the park where we all had dinner and I couldn't function at all. I had to strip down to my undershirt and get co-workers to carry any belongings I had just so I could try to relax and breathe. All while coming up with a story as to why I fell to the ground because the last thing I needed was to talk about issues I've hidden from them all along and been able to handle on my own till now.
That is only one incident of many that have occurred over the past year. This issue has caused me to pull off the side of the road, sit in parking lots to gain composure, and stay back at my home instead of going places. Wherever I go it feels like I am being judged and people are just staring at me. If I try to go somewhere with a group of friends I am just motionless stuck standing in a corner somewhere, crippled. Maybe I am not entirely comfortable with my co-workers who I chill with from time to time. Why am I OK in the work environment but not in a highly public place though? These co-workers are close enough to have my back if something goes down.
What I have been trying to do to combat all this though is start to dive into things. I try not to care about what's going on and how I feel in the sense of how anxious I am. I try to shut that emotion off. I try to tell myself everything isn't so bad. It usually isn't as bad as my mind makes it seem. As I do more and more things I seem to get more comfortable.
One day at the airport I found it difficult to get from my car to the shuttle stop; I was going to be stuck sitting in the parking lot for who knows how long. As soon as I saw the shuttle coming though something hit me inside and I pushed myself to run over to the stop location. That was the end of the anxiety for that moment and I finally had control of myself again. This incident is where I came to the conclusion that it is possible to control and overcome my anxiety if I am able to make the effort to relax and strengthen myself against a situation.
While I haven't cured the anxiety issue entirely I am feeling more like I can probably control it and overcome it over time. No matter whether something may succeed or fail I just go along with the situation because I will not get anywhere if I don't try. What happens happens, there is not much I can do to change something once it's occurred. I have been coming to terms with that if I at least try then I'll be ok.
Those out there struggling, continue to challenge yourself and don't give up.
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