Stigma, the Darkness, and the Light

It's easy for us all to throw around blame during our darkest of moments. It's easy for us to get lost within the darkest thoughts of our mind when we are in crisis. I've come to a realization this evening that I'd like to write about. A realization that just came to me as I have been reflecting on my recent state of crisis. It's been 5 years since I was this impaired from the self awareness I usually have. That high level of self awareness is coming back though and I realized tonight it is still there. If I put myself first it will always be there and that's one of the lessons I am learning from the crisis I've been in lately.

As I continue to get through this latest crisis and begin to look at the lessons learned the number one lesson keeps coming back to "communication". 5 years ago I knew something was wrong and put myself first but I didn't address the problem and had no idea what to do this time around. All I had were my bad experiences that kept me from addressing myself as needed last time that nearly kept me from doing the same this time. What I had this time was the loss of two friends that said "wake up, you are going down the same path" that really made me realize I needed to seek help and put myself first.

Seeking help this time around, as was the case last time (in that I left college to focus on myself), has saved my life yet again. The dark days aren't gone entirely and I am learning to accept that is just a part of who I am and I will continue to get through them just as I have done before. I've also learned this time around that it is ok to talk and address what I am dealing with. For the first time I am openly talking about what it is I am dealing with and the worst of the thoughts I have. I'm learning that just because I think or feel something doesn't mean I am going to act on it. That alone is helping me build self confidence in the ability to get through the many difficult emotions I deal with at times.

Guilt has driven many of my decisions to stay in some situations I've needed to get out of. I am a very caring person and get a lot out of helping others. I am committed in whatever I do and am not the one to  "give up". I have an instinct to keep on fighting and one that tends to tells me I am invincible, just to repress the thoughts I have and move on. That's what I have been taught all along though: whether it's my parents telling me I am fine, nothing is wrong, and to just be happy; or whether it's the discrimination I've dealt with at work that tells me it's not ok to address my issues; or if it's not being addressed in a support group because I've been a leader and am therefore supposed to be "perfect".

Those are some of the reasons it has taken this long and the recent circumstances to realize how important it is to first and foremost make sure I, myself, am ok before stepping out to help others. The ability to make this decision, the support of friends and family I've received throughout this difficult time, and the strength I am developing from it is what I hope others will be able to see. I hope that I can be an inspiration to others to get the help they need when they need it. I have dealt with the guilt and the dark thoughts and still do but we really have to focus on ourselves. Some of us can't speak and some are very indecisive as I have been. Some see the quietness and the indecisiveness as selfishness.

It's not selfishness. Some aren't sure what to do and how to handle the guilt. Some feel like they are going to be blamed for problems afterwards. The problem is in not communicating well enough when we are struggling so those around us can better understand and be supportive to the best of their ability. I have friends with several different view points. There is a stigma in the mental health community as well but it manifests itself in the form of guilt and our desire to help out everyone around us who is struggling. We've dealt with the general stigma and have been through such dark times we want to be there for and help everyone. Lets take a moment though to step back and look at our own selves.

Lets make sure we are ok ourselves. Lets continue to support one another in the difficult times we deal with. I am grateful to have the friends that I do and the support that we are able to give to one another. What we need is to be able to be open, to understand, and accept, when each of us find ourself in a place that warrants more self focus and stepping back to ensure we continue to move forward. It's a little early for my new years resolution but my effort in the short term is to make sure I am myself and continue to be there for my friends. I have also learned I only need a small group of great friends rather than a large group of friends who may not know me all that well. Be well, and happy holidays.

My Absence, It's Been Rough

First off I'd like to say thank you to all my supporters whether you're remained anonymous or spoken to me directly. I can't name everyone but thank you to my friends, family, and those of you here online. The last many months have been extremely rough. It took a hard lesson to finally realize I needed to focus on myself for a while and I am still recovering but starting to get back onto my feet. If I haven't returned your emails I am hoping to get around to reading them in the next few weeks and replying to those. My last post was in April and rather than write this post along the guidelines I usually follow it's going to be in regards to the difficulties I have been dealing with. Some things lead to more questions than answers that I am sure I will figure out over time; however, there is much new territory I've been dealing with in regards to my illness.

**TRIGGER WARNING JUST DUE TO SOME OF THE DIFFICULT SUBJECTS**