First off I'd like to say thank you to all my supporters whether you're remained anonymous or spoken to me directly. I can't name everyone but thank you to my friends, family, and those of you here online. The last many months have been extremely rough. It took a hard lesson to finally realize I needed to focus on myself for a while and I am still recovering but starting to get back onto my feet. If I haven't returned your emails I am hoping to get around to reading them in the next few weeks and replying to those. My last post was in April and rather than write this post along the guidelines I usually follow it's going to be in regards to the difficulties I have been dealing with. Some things lead to more questions than answers that I am sure I will figure out over time; however, there is much new territory I've been dealing with in regards to my illness.
**TRIGGER WARNING JUST DUE TO SOME OF THE DIFFICULT SUBJECTS**
For a while I've been dealing with the fear of abandonment. I tried to address it but just seemed to keep being ignored. I won't be putting any names in this post. To say the least I was abandoned by those I least expected to abandon me. I started to bottle my emotions and had very few outlets to use to express myself. I could have used my blog here but for a while that seemed too counter productive to me.
The real tipping point to the crisis I am in though is the suicide of two friends of mine within a 3 1/2 - 4 month time frame. One was June 24, 2012, and the other roughly October 10, 2012 (she wasn't found till then and it's uncertain what the exact date was). I've dealt with my own thoughts and still do but had never lost anyone before. The first one was difficult but the second one has spun me into a crisis that has warranted attention.
Despite the crisis I was in I still continued to push on reaching out and helping people around me. Helping people is a big part of who I am. However, it started to be at the cost of my own health and well-being. Not until I lost the second friend did I realize I was going to end up in the same place if I didn't start taking care of myself. That's when I started utilizing a local crisis intervention center to help get myself back on my feet.
Through the crisis center and the experience of my worst crisis since the darkest days during the college years I have been learning the importance of putting my own health first. I have also learned it's alright to be open, even about my darkest thoughts, and still get the help I need without everyone freaking out. In college when I sought help the psychiatrist threatened to call the police in the first exchange of sentences we had. At the crisis center they told me they would get me help if I needed it but were willing to talk and avert such a disruptive step immediately. I also learned that just because I have the thoughts I do that doesn't mean I am going to act on them.
I'd never dealt with most of the darker issues I have been experiencing lately other than to repress them and hope they go away. It's a relief to know I have gotten through these issues many times and can continue to get through them. As I get back to my feet I am learning the importance of open communication.
Now I just need a support group again so I can work on breaking the isolation. I'm frustrated, angry, depressed, and seem to be on a roller coaster. I may not be out of the water yet but as in the past I have been learning a lot from my experience. I understand most of my triggers and how to manage the issues I deal with. I have a safety plan and know who I can reach out to if I need to talk and/or need help.
For now I need to sign off and get some rest. Lots of rest has been one of my core coping mechanisms throughout the state of crisis I've been. As I tell people and continue to believe: recovery is knowing how and being able to manage the feeling and symptoms of your state of mind. It's not about getting rid of them (I find myself getting into trouble if I try to repress feelings or deny them) but know how to manage them.
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