A subject that hits home very much and I think is important to cover: Bullying. This can take many shapes and forms and be encountered anywhere. I experienced it in grade school, it has happened to me in the work place, and the place I expected it least till the last 4 years, online, the world wide web. The following post will go through what I deal with today and work back to roughly 1995, the early school days. Lets begin.
Before long I am going to be back to no caffeine, no tomato, nothing even the slightest acidic, just plain pasta and rice. I have been going downhill again, quick, and the addiction to caffeine and large intake is partly to blame. I've come to the conclusion that it helps numb me a bit and lessen some of the intense feelings I get. Gastritis and stomach problems aren't new to me, just something that comes and goes on an almost yearly basis. It's something that can be largely attributed to stress, caffeine, and acidic foods. It's a form of acid reflux. Another cause can be alcohol, but my intake there has been almost none in the past year. I do attribute some of my problems though to my lowest point 3 1/2 years ago when I had a bit too much.
So what does this have to do with bullying you say? I think it has a lot to do if I look back to childhood.
Very early in school was ok, not horrible. Elementary school as they call it in the states. There was just the typical teasing of one another and chasing people around the playground. Back then I even had it in me to talk to other people and socialize. That changed very quickly though about 1997, middle school.
Middle school is the age where people start changing rooms between classes, get lockers, and all that. This was the first opportunity that people could really start being mean to one another with barely any consequence. If you reported bullying you got labeled as a snitch by your peers and harassed even more. The superiors, such as teachers, and principals didn't even care to intervene. As I try to understand what's wrong with me and the underlying cause behind my issues with mental illness, I think the problems start here.
There were a number of encounters I had with different people who will remain nameless throughout this post. You may think I would have forgotten their names, but names and encounters all still feel very real as they just happened yesterday. You could say it contributes to my resistance to meet new people. Bullying has an everlasting affect on your target, it's not as harmless as you may think when you're involved with it. Especially at a young age the consequences seem like all fun and games. Educate yourself a bit, follow my experiences, and see what you can do to help combat the ever growing world of bullying and mean spirit.
One guy had nothing better to do than throw insults at me. The insults started with my clothes, because I wasn't wearing the most expensive brand out there. Because of my clothes and desire to do well in school it progressed to objects being thrown at me, scissors in one case. Then came the threats to "jump me", the term people used then and still do today to beat someone up. It even went to the point where I considered it to be death threats. Threats to meet somewhere complete with weapons. Crazy to think about at a young age.
On another occasion someone had nothing better to do than name calling. One day this guy had the nerve to attempt to choke me. My friend stood up to me and he nearly got knocked in the head.
Another day someone had the brilliant idea to start stealing from me, wasn't like I was popular and mattered. Not even the principal stood up for me, said there was nothing he could do and wouldn't get involved. Despite there being full knowledge of who was involved and indirect admission of guilt. Theft is a separate issue of bullying, however; I consider the underlying issue behind why it happened to do with bullying.
One last real life example I've dealt with is the response to my shyness back in school. I was very shy, and as such had very few friends, but I did have them. If I made the effort to try and meet someone new, a girl for example, I'd be made fun of and denounced by guys as unworthy or laughed at. This was the whole good guy vs bad guy mentality that is stuck within young children and teens these days. I was the good guy.
Those were all real life examples, but the same happens online (in gaming for example) today. Since the bullying happens online, people aren't as responsible for their actions because no one really knows who they are. Therefore they feel they can do whatever they want. Real people are behind the screens though and despite it being online and dealing with avatars, the real life consequences are still very real.
So what does bullying have to do with mental health? It forms and provides the roots for some core issues.
The people who did those things to me back in school probably thought what they were doing was harmless at the time. One long term effect has been a lack of self esteem. I developed a fear of people as well because I am afraid of how they will react to me and if they will accept me. Listening to the music I like and standing up for my interests in public is even very difficult, because I worry if the guy next to me is going to like the same things. I worry about being made fun of for being myself, like what happened many years ago. These are the core issues I think stem from bullying and have evolved into the more serious conditions I deal with today: anxiety, depression, etc. After 16 years I'm unsure if I'll ever be able to completely get over my past.
These may not be the most extreme of cases that you hear about in the news or which you have experienced since they are not. I won't claim them to be. The purpose of sharing these experiences is to highlight the issue of bullying and ultimately what results of it in the long term. The results get worse as the bullying is gets worse.
Next time you think about telling someone to hurt themselves. You make fun of their weight. Look down on them because they aren't in the popular crowd. Tease them about what they wear and who they hang out with. Ridicule them because of their race, gender, or sexuality. Remember, they are a person, equal as you.
What you say to this person can and will have everlasting affects physically, mentally, and emotionally.
You can make a difference today by putting a stop to any bullying you may be involved with.
Stand up for that person next to you who is being bullied.
This may not get rid of the mental health problems someone has, but you will help them because they can focus more on themselves and not have those false issues in their head that you placed there. In some cases getting rid of this catalyst could even save someone from experiencing a major problem with mental illness.
Most importantly, helping to eradicate bullying will save lives.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Update: Moving, Jobs, and Social Interaction
I have now officially been in my new home for a month and the new job for about three weeks. I have to say it's half and half when it comes to saying everything is going well. At the new job I am integrating with the new co-workers fairly well. I am to a point where I can get something accomplished and bring up my thoughts to the people there. That happened fairly quick though and is a requirement as a software developer.
What I am struggling with is development of a connection with them that goes outside of work. Not only them, but friends and people in general. I find it very difficult to go out into a public place with people I know, and it's even more difficult around people I don't know or have just met. Another complication is that I am not the type that likes to go to bars and have drinks, which is what just about all of society seems to be about these days. So where am I supposed to go hang out with people when nothing else is around?
I am still trying to figure this one out. Some suggestions I have received though that I will share. They are all good ideas, but certainly not for everyone, and I am not sure where you can find all these.
1) Join a culinary club - Meet new people who like to cook, and sample new foods
2) Join a robotics group - If you like to tinker with electronics this may be for you, only one I have found so far requires enrollment at a university. They are supposed to be out there though.
3) Join a local church - Doesn't have to be about religion necessarily if that's not for you, but could be a social means to meet new people.
4) Get a part time job at a veterinarian - Great place to interact with animals which can also be a therapy and another method to meet new people.
5) Go hang out at the local swimming pool - Lounge on the pool deck or go for a swim, swimming not required.
6) Go see a movie at the local theatre
All of the above are suggestions that were given or derived from friends, family, and co-workers.
So on the the subject of work I seem to be doing fine with the new co-workers. Some disagreements I am trying my hardest not to blow out of proportion outside the confines of my mind, but doing fine. As for my new home I still find it very difficult to go out anywhere. I am going to keep the post short, just wanted to share some ideas that may be helpful so some people out there. When I do find what works for me I will share it. Something happened to my focus and my mind is all over the place.
Sometime this week I am thinking about doing a post on the public figures I follow on the radio, blogs, etc.
What I am struggling with is development of a connection with them that goes outside of work. Not only them, but friends and people in general. I find it very difficult to go out into a public place with people I know, and it's even more difficult around people I don't know or have just met. Another complication is that I am not the type that likes to go to bars and have drinks, which is what just about all of society seems to be about these days. So where am I supposed to go hang out with people when nothing else is around?
I am still trying to figure this one out. Some suggestions I have received though that I will share. They are all good ideas, but certainly not for everyone, and I am not sure where you can find all these.
1) Join a culinary club - Meet new people who like to cook, and sample new foods
2) Join a robotics group - If you like to tinker with electronics this may be for you, only one I have found so far requires enrollment at a university. They are supposed to be out there though.
3) Join a local church - Doesn't have to be about religion necessarily if that's not for you, but could be a social means to meet new people.
4) Get a part time job at a veterinarian - Great place to interact with animals which can also be a therapy and another method to meet new people.
5) Go hang out at the local swimming pool - Lounge on the pool deck or go for a swim, swimming not required.
6) Go see a movie at the local theatre
All of the above are suggestions that were given or derived from friends, family, and co-workers.
So on the the subject of work I seem to be doing fine with the new co-workers. Some disagreements I am trying my hardest not to blow out of proportion outside the confines of my mind, but doing fine. As for my new home I still find it very difficult to go out anywhere. I am going to keep the post short, just wanted to share some ideas that may be helpful so some people out there. When I do find what works for me I will share it. Something happened to my focus and my mind is all over the place.
Sometime this week I am thinking about doing a post on the public figures I follow on the radio, blogs, etc.
Friday, July 8, 2011
The Mental Health System in the U.S.
Hope everyone is well on this hot summer day, or cold winter day, depending where in the world you are.
Today I am doing content slightly different than usual, with the inclusion of a video. The video will pretty much cover the same information I put here, but in less detail so it fits in the time limit and doesn't take the length of a movie to watch. I felt it would be worth trying a shot at a video and seeing how well it goes. The video has been recorded and will be up within the next day once the file has finished rendering and I've watched it a final time to make sure the video came out alright. If I get a good response I'll try to continue and make more, otherwise I'll stick to the writing. I'll be filling out this post with the more detailed experience with the mental health system in the United States. I am able to capture more of what I want in writing compared to videos.
Over the years I have lived in places with very low grades when it comes to the mental health system in the United States. I have to say the grades are pretty much dead on too, the experiences I've had are awful. The U.S. in general greatly suffers when it comes to good mental health support and treatment. I truly believe a lot of this has to do with the stigma out there and lack of understanding. Mental illness though really is the same as any physical illness, just a different problem, so let me tell my experience and help the world learn.
When I first really started having problems at my university I sought the help of a new friend I had made and come to trust. She had experienced some of the same problems and understood what I was going through. It was her who urged me to seek help from someone and go to the counseling center at the university.
Within about a month I had seen a counselor at the university, who really wasn't all that helpful. He definitely wasn't trained to help people like me there. All he could do was say "wow" like he was in shock when I brought up my self harm to him. Within about 4 visits he told me I was over his head and referred me to the university psychiatrist. I didn't want to talk to someone else and explain everything again, but I initially thought maybe I would get the help I needed at the time. I was very wrong though, and only went for one visit.
The psychiatrist told me if I didn't stop my self harm immediately he was going to call the police and have me locked away. I immediately went into self defense mode and shut myself down. I just did what I had to in order to get out of the session. The psychiatrist said I needed a plan for things to do other than self harm. I told him one thing I could do would be to call my family and talk about something else to distract myself. The psychiatrist was in disbelief and questioned why I would talk to my family. For one, I would talk to them because they are the closest to me and will always be the most supportive of me when I need help. That was the last time I saw anyone in my university's counseling center. I cancelled all further appointments, there was no way I could go back to that psychiatrist and they were not equipped to handle my case.
When summer came around my parents found out about what was going on. I initially saw my family doctor. Out of everyone I have seen over the past 6 years, my family doctor is the one I am most comfortable with and who actually knows what I am talking about and how to respond to me. He cannot be the person I see though because he does not deal with mental health issues and isn't knowledgeable in the area of medication and treatment. He did start me on an anti-depressant, but then referred me to a psychiatrist to handle it.
I went to the psychiatrist and on the first visit refused to talk about anything. I was tired of talking to different people and wanted to keep my most private and sensitive thoughts to myself. Since I chose not to talk the psychiatrist made the awkward assumption nothing was wrong with me and stopped my medication. I only fell deeper now that I had both no one to talk to and no medication to help with the depression.
Later that summer my parents went around looking for a psychologist to help me. They investigated the various people in the town nearby to make sure they were ok before sending me to them. My parents actually made a visit and evaluated the guy beforehand and told me everything seemed ok. The psychologist actually did turn out to be ok. I wasn't the most comfortable around him, and he really didn't help all that much, but he was what I needed. I stopped seeing him because I ended up going back to college in the fall and was many hours away. Had I been able to see him longer, I don't know what would have happened, but he helped.
Once I got back to school I didn't see anyone else for quite a while, matter of fact no one at all while at school. I ended up closing everything inside and silently suffering without anyone to help. There was no one who understood and no one who could listen without over reacting. Even my family seemed to treat me differently. I just wanted to be like any other normal person who had a physical illness. I went into my own ways of dealing with the problem and developed a support network of people online and friends. For a year or so that really seemed to be what kept me going, but wasn't exactly professional help and the socially accepted form of treatment by the world. It worked me me though, that's what matters.
Late in my college years my mental illness hit its lowest point, where I made the decision to leave and focus on myself. Focusing on myself and delaying school was one of the hardest things I've had to do, and still hurts, but it was the right thing to do. When I got home I was once again pushed off to a psychiatrist. This psychiatrist only needed to see me for 10 minute visits in regards to the medication he prescribed. My first visit for evaluation I told him I didn't want to be locked up and when he couldn't reassure me well enough I ran out of the office. My parents finished up that visit and came out with the medication prescription.
On following visits at the same office I was to see a psychologist and talk to him about my problems. Like the counselor and psychiatrist at my university, he wasn't very understanding. I didn't open up very much either, it was a very uncomfortable feeling and he didn't seem all that interested in helping me. He seemed more into trying to play mind games with people and got enjoyment out of taunting people. He asked me if I had thought about suicide, which I denied, something I wasn't going to talk about so early on. Something I also wasn't going to talk about because I was afraid of being locked away. And when I told him no he ignore me and took it as yes, then went on to repeatedly say "did it scare you?". Something else I just ignored from him. Within a couple more visits I started making preparations to leave counseling. My medication caused some other medical complications as well. With agreement of the psychiatrist I left counseling and stopped meds.
Afterwards I went back to the support of friends. I made an agreement with a friend to try and stop self harm together. I was more successful than my friend was, and that success went on for years. I am deeply scarred though by my visits to "professionals" within the mental health system. I understand better than anyone of them ever could. Today as stress hits me again and I feel relapse coming on I don't know who to talk to. I don't know what is triggering relapse, but I am afraid of it happening, and could really use a friend who understands. I have a general idea of what the spark it, but it will be years before I figure out a solution to that. I'm starting to think it's something other than depression as well. I don't know though, other than the feelings I've been getting feel all too familiar.
Would I recommend seeking help if you need it? Most definitely. Try to find someone you're comfortable with talking to. Even if it's a friend you can call just to have a conversation with about whatever topic you want. Some help is better than none. I've been in touch with family a lot lately and it's been helping. I have not been open about any mental health related issues though, it's something that for the past 3 years I thought I finally got a grip on and was able to bring under some degree of control. Regardless, I am still better off now than I used to and have more tools now to help me fight than I did before. I will overcome this, I will, and so can you. To the mental health professionals out there, this is how you do not treat someone.
Please learn from my experience, make yourself more knowledgeable, and if you can't help, just listen.
Today I am doing content slightly different than usual, with the inclusion of a video. The video will pretty much cover the same information I put here, but in less detail so it fits in the time limit and doesn't take the length of a movie to watch. I felt it would be worth trying a shot at a video and seeing how well it goes. The video has been recorded and will be up within the next day once the file has finished rendering and I've watched it a final time to make sure the video came out alright. If I get a good response I'll try to continue and make more, otherwise I'll stick to the writing. I'll be filling out this post with the more detailed experience with the mental health system in the United States. I am able to capture more of what I want in writing compared to videos.
Over the years I have lived in places with very low grades when it comes to the mental health system in the United States. I have to say the grades are pretty much dead on too, the experiences I've had are awful. The U.S. in general greatly suffers when it comes to good mental health support and treatment. I truly believe a lot of this has to do with the stigma out there and lack of understanding. Mental illness though really is the same as any physical illness, just a different problem, so let me tell my experience and help the world learn.
When I first really started having problems at my university I sought the help of a new friend I had made and come to trust. She had experienced some of the same problems and understood what I was going through. It was her who urged me to seek help from someone and go to the counseling center at the university.
Within about a month I had seen a counselor at the university, who really wasn't all that helpful. He definitely wasn't trained to help people like me there. All he could do was say "wow" like he was in shock when I brought up my self harm to him. Within about 4 visits he told me I was over his head and referred me to the university psychiatrist. I didn't want to talk to someone else and explain everything again, but I initially thought maybe I would get the help I needed at the time. I was very wrong though, and only went for one visit.
The psychiatrist told me if I didn't stop my self harm immediately he was going to call the police and have me locked away. I immediately went into self defense mode and shut myself down. I just did what I had to in order to get out of the session. The psychiatrist said I needed a plan for things to do other than self harm. I told him one thing I could do would be to call my family and talk about something else to distract myself. The psychiatrist was in disbelief and questioned why I would talk to my family. For one, I would talk to them because they are the closest to me and will always be the most supportive of me when I need help. That was the last time I saw anyone in my university's counseling center. I cancelled all further appointments, there was no way I could go back to that psychiatrist and they were not equipped to handle my case.
When summer came around my parents found out about what was going on. I initially saw my family doctor. Out of everyone I have seen over the past 6 years, my family doctor is the one I am most comfortable with and who actually knows what I am talking about and how to respond to me. He cannot be the person I see though because he does not deal with mental health issues and isn't knowledgeable in the area of medication and treatment. He did start me on an anti-depressant, but then referred me to a psychiatrist to handle it.
I went to the psychiatrist and on the first visit refused to talk about anything. I was tired of talking to different people and wanted to keep my most private and sensitive thoughts to myself. Since I chose not to talk the psychiatrist made the awkward assumption nothing was wrong with me and stopped my medication. I only fell deeper now that I had both no one to talk to and no medication to help with the depression.
Later that summer my parents went around looking for a psychologist to help me. They investigated the various people in the town nearby to make sure they were ok before sending me to them. My parents actually made a visit and evaluated the guy beforehand and told me everything seemed ok. The psychologist actually did turn out to be ok. I wasn't the most comfortable around him, and he really didn't help all that much, but he was what I needed. I stopped seeing him because I ended up going back to college in the fall and was many hours away. Had I been able to see him longer, I don't know what would have happened, but he helped.
Once I got back to school I didn't see anyone else for quite a while, matter of fact no one at all while at school. I ended up closing everything inside and silently suffering without anyone to help. There was no one who understood and no one who could listen without over reacting. Even my family seemed to treat me differently. I just wanted to be like any other normal person who had a physical illness. I went into my own ways of dealing with the problem and developed a support network of people online and friends. For a year or so that really seemed to be what kept me going, but wasn't exactly professional help and the socially accepted form of treatment by the world. It worked me me though, that's what matters.
Late in my college years my mental illness hit its lowest point, where I made the decision to leave and focus on myself. Focusing on myself and delaying school was one of the hardest things I've had to do, and still hurts, but it was the right thing to do. When I got home I was once again pushed off to a psychiatrist. This psychiatrist only needed to see me for 10 minute visits in regards to the medication he prescribed. My first visit for evaluation I told him I didn't want to be locked up and when he couldn't reassure me well enough I ran out of the office. My parents finished up that visit and came out with the medication prescription.
On following visits at the same office I was to see a psychologist and talk to him about my problems. Like the counselor and psychiatrist at my university, he wasn't very understanding. I didn't open up very much either, it was a very uncomfortable feeling and he didn't seem all that interested in helping me. He seemed more into trying to play mind games with people and got enjoyment out of taunting people. He asked me if I had thought about suicide, which I denied, something I wasn't going to talk about so early on. Something I also wasn't going to talk about because I was afraid of being locked away. And when I told him no he ignore me and took it as yes, then went on to repeatedly say "did it scare you?". Something else I just ignored from him. Within a couple more visits I started making preparations to leave counseling. My medication caused some other medical complications as well. With agreement of the psychiatrist I left counseling and stopped meds.
Afterwards I went back to the support of friends. I made an agreement with a friend to try and stop self harm together. I was more successful than my friend was, and that success went on for years. I am deeply scarred though by my visits to "professionals" within the mental health system. I understand better than anyone of them ever could. Today as stress hits me again and I feel relapse coming on I don't know who to talk to. I don't know what is triggering relapse, but I am afraid of it happening, and could really use a friend who understands. I have a general idea of what the spark it, but it will be years before I figure out a solution to that. I'm starting to think it's something other than depression as well. I don't know though, other than the feelings I've been getting feel all too familiar.
Would I recommend seeking help if you need it? Most definitely. Try to find someone you're comfortable with talking to. Even if it's a friend you can call just to have a conversation with about whatever topic you want. Some help is better than none. I've been in touch with family a lot lately and it's been helping. I have not been open about any mental health related issues though, it's something that for the past 3 years I thought I finally got a grip on and was able to bring under some degree of control. Regardless, I am still better off now than I used to and have more tools now to help me fight than I did before. I will overcome this, I will, and so can you. To the mental health professionals out there, this is how you do not treat someone.
Please learn from my experience, make yourself more knowledgeable, and if you can't help, just listen.
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