If I look back on the last 8 years of my life, more so the last 2 years, there is the theme of wanting to be myself. Who I am is caring, loving, and accepting of many different people and their cultures. I enjoy online games, music, and traveling to new places. Since I graduated college and began working I have lost the part meeting many new people and being able to travel when I want and to where I want. Most of all I've been trying to move on and focus on the future, completely forgetting about my past. Bad idea though.
The battles of yesterday make us who we are today. If we begin to ignore a major part of who we are then who are we? My effort to bury the past began with trying to satisfy employers for my career. While I am much better off now than I used to be 6 years ago, not being myself entirely is bringing back some of the problems. Not being myself has started bringing out anger and numbness on top of existing issues.
The way I've been stereotyped by employers and other people around me is why I went to such lengths to bury my past in the first place. I was ashamed and scared about what others think about me. I went to efforts to please others regardless of what it was doing to me. Until recently I really didn't realize how much that was negatively affecting me. Now I am in a situation I am not so sure I really want to be in.
Flashbacks to what I've struggled with are stronger than they ever have been. Relapse is closer than it ever has been if it hasn't even begun. Perhaps I am a bit in denial with what's going on right now. Did my issues really even go away though? I really don't know the answer and it's a bit scary. So even though I am better off now because I have grown up a bit and learned more ways to deal with my issues I am not the person I am and want to be. Being the person I am has almost become impossible, something needs to change.
Not being myself in return makes me even more unhappy. I am unsure about my job because I am unhappy with myself and not sure what I want. One of the most important lessons I am learning now is regardless of what others think you need to be yourself. This is something that I am going to need help with and don't think I can do alone. However, what is somewhat in my control is my career. I struggle to get out and about to meet people for a number of reasons, but not being myself also interferes with meeting like people.
I am now taking steps to be myself. This means embracing the issues I have struggled with and accepting what has already happened. I can't change what has happened in the past, and if the people I am around can't accept that then I can move on. I won't give up right away, but I have to focus more on myself. Going forward I want to be able to be friends with everyone and not have to hide who I really am. I avoided the swimming pool this summer because I feared what others would think of my scars. I've avoided doing simple activities that are around small numbers of people even and hope to be able to change this.
No one is perfect, so lets not act like it. No one way is the right way to live either. There are so many different kinds of people and cultures, that's one thing that I really like about the world. Some people have worse problems than others, mine is relatively small compared to others out there. We're all in this world together, whether we agree completely with everyone or not. Lets at least try to accept one another.
To Write Love On Her Arms: http://www.twloha.com
Voices for Awareness does not have an association with TWLOHA.
Voices for Awareness does not have an association with TWLOHA.
