Recovery and Seeking Help: Part 2

The last post I made was in regards to a step backwards progress-wise and my upcoming doctor appointment to try and figure out what is going on with me. That appointment was last Friday and I would like to reflect back on it, the outcome, and where I think I am headed in the future from it.

The core issues that I spoke with the doctor about - Other than essential tasks to survive, such as; going to work or the grocery store for food, arriving at an airport, etc - I find it nearly impossible to leave my home and do something. I get very nauseous, have trouble breathing, and am brought down to my knees. Panic attacks and anxiety overcome me most of the time and it takes everything in my to put a stop to them. Another issue is relapse of self-injury, although not nearly as severe as it used to be. Based off of these issues the doctor diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).

Generalized Anxiety Disorder is frequent/constant worry and anxiety over many different events. Anxiety can crop up for no reason even without hardly anything to provoke it. For anyone that wants more detailed information on GAD I will put a couple links at the bottom of the post. Just to include some of the symptoms though, all ones I experience, from the National Library of Medicine:

• Difficulty concentrating
• Fatigue
• Irritability
• Problems falling or staying asleep, and sleep that is often restless and unsatisfying
• Restlessness, and often becoming startled very easily

The idea is if my GAD can be treated perhaps the other issues will begin to clear up too. I really hope that is the case and am trying to stay optimistic. I feel there are other issues too, but need to take one step at a time and see where the GAD treatment leads first. I am comfortable with and trust the doctor I am seeing, something I didn't have in the past with psychiatrists. He focuses on the issues you tell him about and he wants to have monthly followups with me to ensure I am getting the best care possible.

The initial treatment plan doesn't involve any counselors. I have been prescribed Paxil (Paroxetine), an anti-depressant used to treat depression, panic disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder, to name a few. It's supposed to take roughly 1-2 weeks for the meds to actually start taking effect. Potentially 4-6 weeks  for depression to start going away from what I have read. In the meantime I am thinking about attending local National Alliance on Mental Illness support groups where I can share my experience with people like me. NAMI groups would also provide a way of asking about counselors in the area who care and are friendly, giving me the opportunity to include that in my treatment eventually.

So far there is not much to report since I have only been on Paxil for 9 days. The side effects were fairly severe when I first started the medicine: I was constantly nauseous and exhausted. The nausea isn't as frequent or as bad as it initially was and I was told all of these types of medication cause that. That likely explains the problem I had with Welbutrin in the past and its withdrawal. At least this time I understand what is going on and have someone who understands what they are prescribing me.

As a result I have started taking Pepcid Complete more frequently again and it seems to help. I might take it every 12 hours like I do when I get gastritis just as a precautionary measure. As for being sleepy, that is still an issue, but is a little more manageable. I do best on the weekends when I can take a nap whenever I want. I'm considering a switch to taking the Paxil before I go to bed and seeing if that helps.

I have noticed changes in my mood and appetite even though my mood and anxiety aren't cured. When I drive to work in the morning I feel a bit more relaxed now and my appetite is starting to come back. Before where I had to force myself to eat something just because I need to eat a small piece of lasagna now leaves me still hungry. Not only that, while at work I will start to lose energy and if I eat something or drink a soda my body starts to balance out again. This coming week I will probably try to get out and do a couple things and see if I am becoming more relaxed as I think I am.

Sleep has become slightly more balanced during the night, but still has some work to go. I am able to go to bed a bit early than I used to which is good for my work situation, although I wake up earlier. Both could be positive changes. The self-injury this last week also wasn't as frequent with the medication helping to balance me out. I won't post the self-injury details since they are irrelevant.

In the coming weeks I will post updates about how the treatment is going and follow ups with the doctor. I have a doctor who cares, I am comfortable with and a family standing behind me and supporting me through this. Not to mention I am more focused on myself this time. I've let people into my world, something I vowed I would never do 6 1/2 years ago, and it really has made a difference. I don't have to fight this alone this time around, and neither do you if you're out there struggling.


Note: I hope to return to youtube soon and haven't forgotten about everyone there.


http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001915/ (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad/index.shtml
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001037/ (Paxil [Paroxetine])
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/generalized-anxiety-disorder/DS00502

Recovery and Seeking Help: Part 1

Fall is among us, the leaves are beginning to fall, and the temperature is beginning to drop outside. September was usually a month I could turn off the A/C and open up the windows. Place some fans and was good to go. Nice and relaxing to come home and just relax in a cool environment. This is also the worst time of year for me typically. Thoughts of what happened 4 years ago revisit my mind, although it's not as bad as a year after. Each year had seemed to get better, except this year I've noticed a little progress in the opposite direction.

I have not returned to when I was the worst, but I want to make sure that doesn't happen. There are steps I have taken to try and make sure this doesn't happen, one in particular, not stay quite as silent this time. I've initiated steps that are a little quicker than I would like them to be, but I think that's also part of my mind speaking against me. At the same time I really see that it's best to try and tackle this before it's too late.

So what am I doing differently this time around that I have learned from the past? First I've tried to admit to myself that there may actually be a problem. What the exact problem is I am not entirely sure, it could be a number of things, but my mood seems to bounce between extremes at the flip of a switch. Not only that, but there is also a fear of abandonment brewing and uncertainty what is going to happen if I lose full control of what I try to do to get through this. What I am trying to do to get through this is threefold, may be too much.

Admitting to the issue was the first step, but I realize I need to do more than that. I even need to do more than blog about my issues. I need to talk to someone about my issues, who though I am trying to figure out. There are a couple options I have in mind, some more appealing/comforting than others. I have set up a doctors appointment with the family doctor as a way to try and initiate the initial process of seeking help. He is the person I first saw six and a half years ago, and the only one I feel that understood me. I am hoping maybe he can point me in the right direction, and my family would really like to see me talk to him as well.

I told someone close to me in my family that something seems to be coming back. I did this for two reasons: I want people close to me to understand what is really going on, and maybe they can better support me and not be so judgmental towards others. The second reason is it gives something else to help hold me accountable. What I am struggling with a lot is fear of abandonment, because I really don't know how everyone is going to react, based on parts of my past. I am also really unsure what happens after my doctors appointment.

Aside from those steps I have been taking other steps as well to try and seek help. I have read online sources, listened to radio shows, listen to music, watch television, game, a variety of different activities. What I think may help me the most is a form of help online, or some other local options in my community I am still trying to explore. Those reasons though are why I think my approach may be a little too rushed, because I am unsure entirely what is going to work best for me. I don't want things to go in the wrong direction again and shutdown. Another fear I have is what impact this would have on employment, but seeking help should hopefully be viewed as a positive thing and it's very important to focus on your health above anything else.

Different this time for sure though, is that I am not completely silent like I was before. I want to maintain control of my life, and I have more tools this time around that I am aware of, many listed above. While I may be fearful I think that's all part of the issues I experience. It was just this year I really started trying to uncover problems I have dealt with and face them head on. I don't want to repress everything like I used to and I want to have full control over my life. Starting to face my issues may even be why I have taken a step backward. Something I know for sure though is that I want to stay committed and recover fully.

The Need to Be Yourself

Greetings everyone. Just Saturday was TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms) Awareness Day (link at bottom of post). If you didn't get to do anything for it it's not too late. Every day is awareness and support day. Before I get on to the main topic I have planned for this post I thought it would be worth mentioning I finally came out to some family about this blog. It is my hope that through the personal contacts I have I can answer the questions those closest to me have always had and spread awareness out through them as well. Those close to me have actually wanted to try and understand and be able to better support me, but until now I haven't felt ready. Time will tell how well this works out, but I feel it's an important step in recovery.

If I look back on the last 8 years of my life, more so the last 2 years, there is the theme of wanting to be myself. Who I am is caring, loving, and accepting of many different people and their cultures. I enjoy online games, music, and traveling to new places. Since I graduated college and began working I have lost the part meeting many new people and being able to travel when I want and to where I want. Most of all I've been trying to move on and focus on the future, completely forgetting about my past. Bad idea though.

The battles of yesterday make us who we are today. If we begin to ignore a major part of who we are then who are we? My effort to bury the past began with trying to satisfy employers for my career. While I am much better off now than I used to be 6 years ago, not being myself entirely is bringing back some of the problems. Not being myself has started bringing out anger and numbness on top of existing issues.

The way I've been stereotyped by employers and other people around me is why I went to such lengths to bury my past in the first place. I was ashamed and scared about what others think about me. I went to efforts to please others regardless of what it was doing to me. Until recently I really didn't realize how much that was negatively affecting me. Now I am in a situation I am not so sure I really want to be in.

Flashbacks to what I've struggled with are stronger than they ever have been. Relapse is closer than it ever has been if it hasn't even begun. Perhaps I am a bit in denial with what's going on right now. Did my issues really even go away though? I really don't know the answer and it's a bit scary. So even though I am better off now because I have grown up a bit and learned more ways to deal with my issues I am not the person I am and want to be. Being the person I am has almost become impossible, something needs to change.

Not being myself in return makes me even more unhappy. I am unsure about my job because I am unhappy with myself and not sure what I want. One of the most important lessons I am learning now is regardless of what others think you need to be yourself. This is something that I am going to need help with and don't think I can do alone. However, what is somewhat in my control is my career. I struggle to get out and about to meet people for a number of reasons, but not being myself also interferes with meeting like people.

I am now taking steps to be myself. This means embracing the issues I have struggled with and accepting what has already happened. I can't change what has happened in the past, and if the people I am around can't accept that then I can move on. I won't give up right away, but I have to focus more on myself. Going forward I want to be able to be friends with everyone and not have to hide who I really am. I avoided the swimming pool this summer because I feared what others would think of my scars. I've avoided doing simple activities that are around small numbers of people even and hope to be able to change this.

No one is perfect, so lets not act like it. No one way is the right way to live either. There are so many different kinds of people and cultures, that's one thing that I really like about the world. Some people have worse problems than others, mine is relatively small compared to others out there. We're all in this world together, whether we agree completely with everyone or not. Lets at least try to accept one another. 

To Write Love On Her Arms: http://www.twloha.com

Voices for Awareness does not have an association with TWLOHA.

Addiction and Destructive Behavior

Good morning everyone. Hopefully it hasn't been as hectic for everyone as it has me the past couple weeks. I've traveled, met some new people in the online realm of gaming, watched TV,  and picked up new music. Regardless I'm managing to get on top of everything and want to provide another post.

In my struggle to meet new people there is one key factor that gets in the way the most. That is maintaining the activities that I enjoy and finding similar people who accept those same activities. For example I enjoy playing video games, Massively Multiplay Online (MMO) games in particular these days. I used to play First Person games, but found I enjoyed the MMO scene quite a bit. There are a lot of people addicted to games to the point of playing 9 hours a day though and I get looked at like one of them anytime I mention to someone new that I enjoy MMOs. In another case there are members of my family who smoke. I have seen first hand through them how destructive smoking is, wouldn't start myself, and wish they could stop. However my experiences with self injury and depression have opened my mind up to the world of addiction, the destruction addiction causes, and how difficult it is to get out. I may not self injure like I used to, but the thoughts and cravings are still there.

I hope to open everyones eyes a bit more to what addiction really is, potential causes, affects, after affects, and even the stereotypes that result from ones behavior. There are several forms, the ones I will use are from either personal experience or family who are close to me.

The dictionary definition of addiction is:
Compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful - Merriam Webster

What this really means is that someone is hooked to something and doesn't have it in their own control to be able to stop or keep the activity in moderation at healthy levels. To quote Dawson McAllister, "if you could have stopped on your own, you would have already done it." I truly believe those words and my experiences will follow.

How I got into self injury in the first place I don't know. All I remember is that it was something I did on impulse to cope with the feelings I was having at the time. The details of how I did it, where, and all that information isn't something that needs to be discussed here, just that it started in the first place. I didn't know how else to deal with the feelings I had and self injury was there for me (see other posts on the blog for alternatives to self injury such as music, gaming, and friends). What was the underlying cause behind my mental health issues in the first place? I am still trying to figure that out, but as in earlier posts I tend to believe it was associated with darker aspects of my past. Did I want to stop? Partly yes, mostly no, I feared losing who I was and how I would deal with problems when self injury was gone.

In another case there is a member in my family who smokes. She started before people knew it was bad and became hooked. She has tried to stop before but always returns. Does she want to stop? I am not entirely sure, only she can answer that question. What I do know is that she can't stop on her own, regardless of what other people keep saying. I hear time and time again that she could just pick up and stop that she's not addicted. Then why if it's so harmful, she is in such bad shape, knows how bad it is, and tells others never to start, she won't stop smoking?

One last case I would like to share is someone who was very close to me and I still regard as a wonderful person regardless of what they are involved in. Prior to my experience with depression and self injury and knowing someone who was involved with drugs I was very much not informed about addiction and how separate it is from personality. I tried to get this person to stop doing drugs and at the same time tried to get them to stop several other things and the response I would get was "then what do I do?" This was a wonderful person caught up in destructive behavior trying to cover up the pain caused by deeper issues. I didn't have a good answer for them at the time, they had depression too, and this was their method of dealing with the pain just like my self injury. At this point I learned of my own addiction to self injury, what it really meant, and how it wasn't really much different from other behaviors.

What was the point of sharing these experiences? To show that addiction is deeper than "i'm addicted and can't stop" and the "you can stop if you want" responses a lot of the time. To begin combating addiction you need to start digging to the root of it, figure out how to move beyond the past. Those with someone close to them dealing with addiction, don't be hostile to the person, but don't provide the means to continue, and most importantly show the person that you love them, care about them, be direct and straight with them. If need be even help them get some counseling and let them know you'll be there every step of the way to help them if they agree to help and that they are going to be ok.

Just because someone is addicted or struggling doesn't mean they are a bad person. Like those with the common cold or go to the doctors for an illness, people with mental health issues or addiction are just the same. We are all the same, just dealing with different and more complex but not so well understood issues. Many people are addicted, but most need help to stop, to quote A&E's show Intervention.

Just because some people are addicted to something doesn't mean everyone else is either.

Dawson McAllister | Help and Inspiration #1

Before I get involved with the upcoming busy week I thought it would be helpful to share an inspirational and helpful person I pay attention to on a weekly basis if not a few times a week. I would like to try and highlight different people on occasion to provide everyone with more tools to get through what they are dealing with. Whether it be passively watching a vlog, listening or calling into a radio station, talking to someone online, getting in touch with family or friends, there is help out there for you.

Sunday nights at 10pm EST (9pm CST, 7pm PST, 3am GMT) I listen to a radio show for many different types of support. If you need help or someone to talk to Dawson McAllister will take your calls on Sunday nights (United States). Available support doesn't stop there though, a hopeline is available all week with hope coaches. You can e-mail, chat online, or call in. What I like about Dawson is that he approaches people's topics head on and is direct about what needs to happen. The radio show is more of a self intervention, after talking to Dawson callers get sent to the hopeline. If you need help and don't feel like you can talk to family or friends Dawson and the hopeline could be an excellent alternative. Not only will they talk to you, but they will make and effort to help you get the help you may need. I have not called in, but have been a listener and find it both really inspirational and helpful.

I'm not sure if there are restrictions listening online out of the United States or not since I have no way to test, but give it a try. There is a lot of information on his blogs and still online support available.

Dawson/Hopeline:
https://www.facebook.com/DawsonMcAllister
http://www.thehopeline.com/