It's easy for us all to throw around blame during our darkest of moments. It's easy for us to get lost within the darkest thoughts of our mind when we are in crisis. I've come to a realization this evening that I'd like to write about. A realization that just came to me as I have been reflecting on my recent state of crisis. It's been 5 years since I was this impaired from the self awareness I usually have. That high level of self awareness is coming back though and I realized tonight it is still there. If I put myself first it will always be there and that's one of the lessons I am learning from the crisis I've been in lately.
As I continue to get through this latest crisis and begin to look at the lessons learned the number one lesson keeps coming back to "communication". 5 years ago I knew something was wrong and put myself first but I didn't address the problem and had no idea what to do this time around. All I had were my bad experiences that kept me from addressing myself as needed last time that nearly kept me from doing the same this time. What I had this time was the loss of two friends that said "wake up, you are going down the same path" that really made me realize I needed to seek help and put myself first.
Seeking help this time around, as was the case last time (in that I left college to focus on myself), has saved my life yet again. The dark days aren't gone entirely and I am learning to accept that is just a part of who I am and I will continue to get through them just as I have done before. I've also learned this time around that it is ok to talk and address what I am dealing with. For the first time I am openly talking about what it is I am dealing with and the worst of the thoughts I have. I'm learning that just because I think or feel something doesn't mean I am going to act on it. That alone is helping me build self confidence in the ability to get through the many difficult emotions I deal with at times.
Guilt has driven many of my decisions to stay in some situations I've needed to get out of. I am a very caring person and get a lot out of helping others. I am committed in whatever I do and am not the one to "give up". I have an instinct to keep on fighting and one that tends to tells me I am invincible, just to repress the thoughts I have and move on. That's what I have been taught all along though: whether it's my parents telling me I am fine, nothing is wrong, and to just be happy; or whether it's the discrimination I've dealt with at work that tells me it's not ok to address my issues; or if it's not being addressed in a support group because I've been a leader and am therefore supposed to be "perfect".
Those are some of the reasons it has taken this long and the recent circumstances to realize how important it is to first and foremost make sure I, myself, am ok before stepping out to help others. The ability to make this decision, the support of friends and family I've received throughout this difficult time, and the strength I am developing from it is what I hope others will be able to see. I hope that I can be an inspiration to others to get the help they need when they need it. I have dealt with the guilt and the dark thoughts and still do but we really have to focus on ourselves. Some of us can't speak and some are very indecisive as I have been. Some see the quietness and the indecisiveness as selfishness.
It's not selfishness. Some aren't sure what to do and how to handle the guilt. Some feel like they are going to be blamed for problems afterwards. The problem is in not communicating well enough when we are struggling so those around us can better understand and be supportive to the best of their ability. I have friends with several different view points. There is a stigma in the mental health community as well but it manifests itself in the form of guilt and our desire to help out everyone around us who is struggling. We've dealt with the general stigma and have been through such dark times we want to be there for and help everyone. Lets take a moment though to step back and look at our own selves.
Lets make sure we are ok ourselves. Lets continue to support one another in the difficult times we deal with. I am grateful to have the friends that I do and the support that we are able to give to one another. What we need is to be able to be open, to understand, and accept, when each of us find ourself in a place that warrants more self focus and stepping back to ensure we continue to move forward. It's a little early for my new years resolution but my effort in the short term is to make sure I am myself and continue to be there for my friends. I have also learned I only need a small group of great friends rather than a large group of friends who may not know me all that well. Be well, and happy holidays.
Showing posts with label Bullying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bullying. Show all posts
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
The Need to Be Yourself
Greetings everyone. Just Saturday was TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms) Awareness Day (link at bottom of post). If you didn't get to do anything for it it's not too late. Every day is awareness and support day. Before I get on to the main topic I have planned for this post I thought it would be worth mentioning I finally came out to some family about this blog. It is my hope that through the personal contacts I have I can answer the questions those closest to me have always had and spread awareness out through them as well. Those close to me have actually wanted to try and understand and be able to better support me, but until now I haven't felt ready. Time will tell how well this works out, but I feel it's an important step in recovery.
If I look back on the last 8 years of my life, more so the last 2 years, there is the theme of wanting to be myself. Who I am is caring, loving, and accepting of many different people and their cultures. I enjoy online games, music, and traveling to new places. Since I graduated college and began working I have lost the part meeting many new people and being able to travel when I want and to where I want. Most of all I've been trying to move on and focus on the future, completely forgetting about my past. Bad idea though.
The battles of yesterday make us who we are today. If we begin to ignore a major part of who we are then who are we? My effort to bury the past began with trying to satisfy employers for my career. While I am much better off now than I used to be 6 years ago, not being myself entirely is bringing back some of the problems. Not being myself has started bringing out anger and numbness on top of existing issues.
The way I've been stereotyped by employers and other people around me is why I went to such lengths to bury my past in the first place. I was ashamed and scared about what others think about me. I went to efforts to please others regardless of what it was doing to me. Until recently I really didn't realize how much that was negatively affecting me. Now I am in a situation I am not so sure I really want to be in.
Flashbacks to what I've struggled with are stronger than they ever have been. Relapse is closer than it ever has been if it hasn't even begun. Perhaps I am a bit in denial with what's going on right now. Did my issues really even go away though? I really don't know the answer and it's a bit scary. So even though I am better off now because I have grown up a bit and learned more ways to deal with my issues I am not the person I am and want to be. Being the person I am has almost become impossible, something needs to change.
Not being myself in return makes me even more unhappy. I am unsure about my job because I am unhappy with myself and not sure what I want. One of the most important lessons I am learning now is regardless of what others think you need to be yourself. This is something that I am going to need help with and don't think I can do alone. However, what is somewhat in my control is my career. I struggle to get out and about to meet people for a number of reasons, but not being myself also interferes with meeting like people.
I am now taking steps to be myself. This means embracing the issues I have struggled with and accepting what has already happened. I can't change what has happened in the past, and if the people I am around can't accept that then I can move on. I won't give up right away, but I have to focus more on myself. Going forward I want to be able to be friends with everyone and not have to hide who I really am. I avoided the swimming pool this summer because I feared what others would think of my scars. I've avoided doing simple activities that are around small numbers of people even and hope to be able to change this.
No one is perfect, so lets not act like it. No one way is the right way to live either. There are so many different kinds of people and cultures, that's one thing that I really like about the world. Some people have worse problems than others, mine is relatively small compared to others out there. We're all in this world together, whether we agree completely with everyone or not. Lets at least try to accept one another.
If I look back on the last 8 years of my life, more so the last 2 years, there is the theme of wanting to be myself. Who I am is caring, loving, and accepting of many different people and their cultures. I enjoy online games, music, and traveling to new places. Since I graduated college and began working I have lost the part meeting many new people and being able to travel when I want and to where I want. Most of all I've been trying to move on and focus on the future, completely forgetting about my past. Bad idea though.
The battles of yesterday make us who we are today. If we begin to ignore a major part of who we are then who are we? My effort to bury the past began with trying to satisfy employers for my career. While I am much better off now than I used to be 6 years ago, not being myself entirely is bringing back some of the problems. Not being myself has started bringing out anger and numbness on top of existing issues.
The way I've been stereotyped by employers and other people around me is why I went to such lengths to bury my past in the first place. I was ashamed and scared about what others think about me. I went to efforts to please others regardless of what it was doing to me. Until recently I really didn't realize how much that was negatively affecting me. Now I am in a situation I am not so sure I really want to be in.
Flashbacks to what I've struggled with are stronger than they ever have been. Relapse is closer than it ever has been if it hasn't even begun. Perhaps I am a bit in denial with what's going on right now. Did my issues really even go away though? I really don't know the answer and it's a bit scary. So even though I am better off now because I have grown up a bit and learned more ways to deal with my issues I am not the person I am and want to be. Being the person I am has almost become impossible, something needs to change.
Not being myself in return makes me even more unhappy. I am unsure about my job because I am unhappy with myself and not sure what I want. One of the most important lessons I am learning now is regardless of what others think you need to be yourself. This is something that I am going to need help with and don't think I can do alone. However, what is somewhat in my control is my career. I struggle to get out and about to meet people for a number of reasons, but not being myself also interferes with meeting like people.
I am now taking steps to be myself. This means embracing the issues I have struggled with and accepting what has already happened. I can't change what has happened in the past, and if the people I am around can't accept that then I can move on. I won't give up right away, but I have to focus more on myself. Going forward I want to be able to be friends with everyone and not have to hide who I really am. I avoided the swimming pool this summer because I feared what others would think of my scars. I've avoided doing simple activities that are around small numbers of people even and hope to be able to change this.
No one is perfect, so lets not act like it. No one way is the right way to live either. There are so many different kinds of people and cultures, that's one thing that I really like about the world. Some people have worse problems than others, mine is relatively small compared to others out there. We're all in this world together, whether we agree completely with everyone or not. Lets at least try to accept one another.
To Write Love On Her Arms: http://www.twloha.com
Voices for Awareness does not have an association with TWLOHA.
Voices for Awareness does not have an association with TWLOHA.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Dawson McAllister | Help and Inspiration #1
Before I get involved with the upcoming busy week I thought it would be helpful to share an inspirational and helpful person I pay attention to on a weekly basis if not a few times a week. I would like to try and highlight different people on occasion to provide everyone with more tools to get through what they are dealing with. Whether it be passively watching a vlog, listening or calling into a radio station, talking to someone online, getting in touch with family or friends, there is help out there for you.
Sunday nights at 10pm EST (9pm CST, 7pm PST, 3am GMT) I listen to a radio show for many different types of support. If you need help or someone to talk to Dawson McAllister will take your calls on Sunday nights (United States). Available support doesn't stop there though, a hopeline is available all week with hope coaches. You can e-mail, chat online, or call in. What I like about Dawson is that he approaches people's topics head on and is direct about what needs to happen. The radio show is more of a self intervention, after talking to Dawson callers get sent to the hopeline. If you need help and don't feel like you can talk to family or friends Dawson and the hopeline could be an excellent alternative. Not only will they talk to you, but they will make and effort to help you get the help you may need. I have not called in, but have been a listener and find it both really inspirational and helpful.
I'm not sure if there are restrictions listening online out of the United States or not since I have no way to test, but give it a try. There is a lot of information on his blogs and still online support available.
Dawson/Hopeline:
https://www.facebook.com/DawsonMcAllister
http://www.thehopeline.com/
Sunday nights at 10pm EST (9pm CST, 7pm PST, 3am GMT) I listen to a radio show for many different types of support. If you need help or someone to talk to Dawson McAllister will take your calls on Sunday nights (United States). Available support doesn't stop there though, a hopeline is available all week with hope coaches. You can e-mail, chat online, or call in. What I like about Dawson is that he approaches people's topics head on and is direct about what needs to happen. The radio show is more of a self intervention, after talking to Dawson callers get sent to the hopeline. If you need help and don't feel like you can talk to family or friends Dawson and the hopeline could be an excellent alternative. Not only will they talk to you, but they will make and effort to help you get the help you may need. I have not called in, but have been a listener and find it both really inspirational and helpful.
I'm not sure if there are restrictions listening online out of the United States or not since I have no way to test, but give it a try. There is a lot of information on his blogs and still online support available.
Dawson/Hopeline:
https://www.facebook.com/DawsonMcAllister
http://www.thehopeline.com/
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Bullying and the Affects on Mental Health
A subject that hits home very much and I think is important to cover: Bullying. This can take many shapes and forms and be encountered anywhere. I experienced it in grade school, it has happened to me in the work place, and the place I expected it least till the last 4 years, online, the world wide web. The following post will go through what I deal with today and work back to roughly 1995, the early school days. Lets begin.
Before long I am going to be back to no caffeine, no tomato, nothing even the slightest acidic, just plain pasta and rice. I have been going downhill again, quick, and the addiction to caffeine and large intake is partly to blame. I've come to the conclusion that it helps numb me a bit and lessen some of the intense feelings I get. Gastritis and stomach problems aren't new to me, just something that comes and goes on an almost yearly basis. It's something that can be largely attributed to stress, caffeine, and acidic foods. It's a form of acid reflux. Another cause can be alcohol, but my intake there has been almost none in the past year. I do attribute some of my problems though to my lowest point 3 1/2 years ago when I had a bit too much.
So what does this have to do with bullying you say? I think it has a lot to do if I look back to childhood.
Very early in school was ok, not horrible. Elementary school as they call it in the states. There was just the typical teasing of one another and chasing people around the playground. Back then I even had it in me to talk to other people and socialize. That changed very quickly though about 1997, middle school.
Middle school is the age where people start changing rooms between classes, get lockers, and all that. This was the first opportunity that people could really start being mean to one another with barely any consequence. If you reported bullying you got labeled as a snitch by your peers and harassed even more. The superiors, such as teachers, and principals didn't even care to intervene. As I try to understand what's wrong with me and the underlying cause behind my issues with mental illness, I think the problems start here.
There were a number of encounters I had with different people who will remain nameless throughout this post. You may think I would have forgotten their names, but names and encounters all still feel very real as they just happened yesterday. You could say it contributes to my resistance to meet new people. Bullying has an everlasting affect on your target, it's not as harmless as you may think when you're involved with it. Especially at a young age the consequences seem like all fun and games. Educate yourself a bit, follow my experiences, and see what you can do to help combat the ever growing world of bullying and mean spirit.
One guy had nothing better to do than throw insults at me. The insults started with my clothes, because I wasn't wearing the most expensive brand out there. Because of my clothes and desire to do well in school it progressed to objects being thrown at me, scissors in one case. Then came the threats to "jump me", the term people used then and still do today to beat someone up. It even went to the point where I considered it to be death threats. Threats to meet somewhere complete with weapons. Crazy to think about at a young age.
On another occasion someone had nothing better to do than name calling. One day this guy had the nerve to attempt to choke me. My friend stood up to me and he nearly got knocked in the head.
Another day someone had the brilliant idea to start stealing from me, wasn't like I was popular and mattered. Not even the principal stood up for me, said there was nothing he could do and wouldn't get involved. Despite there being full knowledge of who was involved and indirect admission of guilt. Theft is a separate issue of bullying, however; I consider the underlying issue behind why it happened to do with bullying.
One last real life example I've dealt with is the response to my shyness back in school. I was very shy, and as such had very few friends, but I did have them. If I made the effort to try and meet someone new, a girl for example, I'd be made fun of and denounced by guys as unworthy or laughed at. This was the whole good guy vs bad guy mentality that is stuck within young children and teens these days. I was the good guy.
Those were all real life examples, but the same happens online (in gaming for example) today. Since the bullying happens online, people aren't as responsible for their actions because no one really knows who they are. Therefore they feel they can do whatever they want. Real people are behind the screens though and despite it being online and dealing with avatars, the real life consequences are still very real.
So what does bullying have to do with mental health? It forms and provides the roots for some core issues.
The people who did those things to me back in school probably thought what they were doing was harmless at the time. One long term effect has been a lack of self esteem. I developed a fear of people as well because I am afraid of how they will react to me and if they will accept me. Listening to the music I like and standing up for my interests in public is even very difficult, because I worry if the guy next to me is going to like the same things. I worry about being made fun of for being myself, like what happened many years ago. These are the core issues I think stem from bullying and have evolved into the more serious conditions I deal with today: anxiety, depression, etc. After 16 years I'm unsure if I'll ever be able to completely get over my past.
These may not be the most extreme of cases that you hear about in the news or which you have experienced since they are not. I won't claim them to be. The purpose of sharing these experiences is to highlight the issue of bullying and ultimately what results of it in the long term. The results get worse as the bullying is gets worse.
Next time you think about telling someone to hurt themselves. You make fun of their weight. Look down on them because they aren't in the popular crowd. Tease them about what they wear and who they hang out with. Ridicule them because of their race, gender, or sexuality. Remember, they are a person, equal as you.
What you say to this person can and will have everlasting affects physically, mentally, and emotionally.
You can make a difference today by putting a stop to any bullying you may be involved with.
Stand up for that person next to you who is being bullied.
This may not get rid of the mental health problems someone has, but you will help them because they can focus more on themselves and not have those false issues in their head that you placed there. In some cases getting rid of this catalyst could even save someone from experiencing a major problem with mental illness.
Most importantly, helping to eradicate bullying will save lives.
Before long I am going to be back to no caffeine, no tomato, nothing even the slightest acidic, just plain pasta and rice. I have been going downhill again, quick, and the addiction to caffeine and large intake is partly to blame. I've come to the conclusion that it helps numb me a bit and lessen some of the intense feelings I get. Gastritis and stomach problems aren't new to me, just something that comes and goes on an almost yearly basis. It's something that can be largely attributed to stress, caffeine, and acidic foods. It's a form of acid reflux. Another cause can be alcohol, but my intake there has been almost none in the past year. I do attribute some of my problems though to my lowest point 3 1/2 years ago when I had a bit too much.
So what does this have to do with bullying you say? I think it has a lot to do if I look back to childhood.
Very early in school was ok, not horrible. Elementary school as they call it in the states. There was just the typical teasing of one another and chasing people around the playground. Back then I even had it in me to talk to other people and socialize. That changed very quickly though about 1997, middle school.
Middle school is the age where people start changing rooms between classes, get lockers, and all that. This was the first opportunity that people could really start being mean to one another with barely any consequence. If you reported bullying you got labeled as a snitch by your peers and harassed even more. The superiors, such as teachers, and principals didn't even care to intervene. As I try to understand what's wrong with me and the underlying cause behind my issues with mental illness, I think the problems start here.
There were a number of encounters I had with different people who will remain nameless throughout this post. You may think I would have forgotten their names, but names and encounters all still feel very real as they just happened yesterday. You could say it contributes to my resistance to meet new people. Bullying has an everlasting affect on your target, it's not as harmless as you may think when you're involved with it. Especially at a young age the consequences seem like all fun and games. Educate yourself a bit, follow my experiences, and see what you can do to help combat the ever growing world of bullying and mean spirit.
One guy had nothing better to do than throw insults at me. The insults started with my clothes, because I wasn't wearing the most expensive brand out there. Because of my clothes and desire to do well in school it progressed to objects being thrown at me, scissors in one case. Then came the threats to "jump me", the term people used then and still do today to beat someone up. It even went to the point where I considered it to be death threats. Threats to meet somewhere complete with weapons. Crazy to think about at a young age.
On another occasion someone had nothing better to do than name calling. One day this guy had the nerve to attempt to choke me. My friend stood up to me and he nearly got knocked in the head.
Another day someone had the brilliant idea to start stealing from me, wasn't like I was popular and mattered. Not even the principal stood up for me, said there was nothing he could do and wouldn't get involved. Despite there being full knowledge of who was involved and indirect admission of guilt. Theft is a separate issue of bullying, however; I consider the underlying issue behind why it happened to do with bullying.
One last real life example I've dealt with is the response to my shyness back in school. I was very shy, and as such had very few friends, but I did have them. If I made the effort to try and meet someone new, a girl for example, I'd be made fun of and denounced by guys as unworthy or laughed at. This was the whole good guy vs bad guy mentality that is stuck within young children and teens these days. I was the good guy.
Those were all real life examples, but the same happens online (in gaming for example) today. Since the bullying happens online, people aren't as responsible for their actions because no one really knows who they are. Therefore they feel they can do whatever they want. Real people are behind the screens though and despite it being online and dealing with avatars, the real life consequences are still very real.
So what does bullying have to do with mental health? It forms and provides the roots for some core issues.
The people who did those things to me back in school probably thought what they were doing was harmless at the time. One long term effect has been a lack of self esteem. I developed a fear of people as well because I am afraid of how they will react to me and if they will accept me. Listening to the music I like and standing up for my interests in public is even very difficult, because I worry if the guy next to me is going to like the same things. I worry about being made fun of for being myself, like what happened many years ago. These are the core issues I think stem from bullying and have evolved into the more serious conditions I deal with today: anxiety, depression, etc. After 16 years I'm unsure if I'll ever be able to completely get over my past.
These may not be the most extreme of cases that you hear about in the news or which you have experienced since they are not. I won't claim them to be. The purpose of sharing these experiences is to highlight the issue of bullying and ultimately what results of it in the long term. The results get worse as the bullying is gets worse.
Next time you think about telling someone to hurt themselves. You make fun of their weight. Look down on them because they aren't in the popular crowd. Tease them about what they wear and who they hang out with. Ridicule them because of their race, gender, or sexuality. Remember, they are a person, equal as you.
What you say to this person can and will have everlasting affects physically, mentally, and emotionally.
You can make a difference today by putting a stop to any bullying you may be involved with.
Stand up for that person next to you who is being bullied.
This may not get rid of the mental health problems someone has, but you will help them because they can focus more on themselves and not have those false issues in their head that you placed there. In some cases getting rid of this catalyst could even save someone from experiencing a major problem with mental illness.
Most importantly, helping to eradicate bullying will save lives.
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