Fellow Mental Health [V]Bloggers to Start 2012

As a welcome into 2012 I would like to dedicate a post to some other blogs and vlogs out there I have been following for the past 1-2 years. The highlights posts was getting a bit long, so we have a second.

I have selected 3 for this particular post and will write about more in the future.

Free Your Mind Campaign: http://free-your-mind-campaign.blogspot.com/

The Free Your Mind Campaign was started by Nicola as a result of abuse and prejudice within a psych ward located in England. She speaks through her experiences, advocates, and fights the stigma with: art, music, film, and culture. I have been following her campaign and look forward to FYM's 2012 success.

I Drank the Sea Water: http://www.youtube.com/user/idranktheseawater

I Drank the Sea Water is an excellent vlog to follow. She has done mini movies about various mental illness topics, a vlog accounting for her progress through treatment, and written a book: Lady Injury. I find her inspiring and giving people hope through a very unique and inspiring perspective.

Sullen Girl - http://www.youtube.com/user/xsullengirlx

Christie has been speaking out about mental health and providing self injury support. One of the reasons I like her vlog so much is she tells issues how they are. She gets right to the point and speaks. This one is hard to sum up but definitely one to check out if you want to know more about the reality of M.I.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year!

2012 Direction and End of 2011 Highlights

I planned to write this post on New Years Eve or New Years Day but delayed it as I increased my advocacy and activism at the local level due to the November employment events. However, those events have pushed forward some exciting and important plans for the Voices for Awareness campaign in 2012. That said these plans have been in planning for some time and are always a work in progress being refined to meet the needs and voices of the world wide mental health community. Voices for Awareness can use your help and experiences to spread the word too, more on that to come later in the update.

Before diving into the 2012 direction though, a quick recap of 2011. In 2011 I began my campaign after following several blogs and vlogs others maintained, having been helped and inspired by them. I realized how much I could offer through my own experiences and that silence wasn't the answer. Speaking out helps myself, others, and in return fights stigma; allowing more of us to seek help and treatment. I was successful in getting my career on track, started seeking help again, lost my job to the stigma, and began taking the campaign on the road locally with the anticipation of expanding the borders in 2012.

Originally unsure about medication my medication has actually been helping. I have been consulting with a competent doctor who listens to me and ensures I am getting the care I need. Rather than my medication being stopped soon after starting as in the past this doctor made sure I knew about the medication and gave it a chance to start working. The only downfall I've had are some affects on my short term memory.

#1: In my last post I spoke about stigma in the workforce and the experience I had in November 2011 just before the holidays. I mentioned I didn't want to take the issue to court and just wanted to spread awareness. The good news is that I will be taking the issue to the U.S. Congress to be heard as well as local legislative branches. I will be working on a submission going directly through a U.S. Senator. I will post more as the plan unfolds, but am going to be appealing for our rights as mental health patients.

#2: Another plan for this coming year is to become involved in public speaking campaigns around my local community. I hope to make several groups of people aware about what is around them and what some of their peers may even be going through. The longer term goal with this is to go national, then worldwide.

#3: Along the same lines as public speaking I will be writing an account of my story for those who request it and are looking to use it for spreading awareness and providing support to others. The account will be written only and can be used on blogs, vlogs and support sites to start. I only speak English, but recipients are welcome to translate it into other languages. Just let me know a max length and format so it fits. I'll tweak this process as time goes on, but just starting out need to set some basic guidelines.

#4: One last plan I would like to mention is the involvement I want to build from others dealing with a mental illness and those caring or who know someone with a mental illness. My own family has benefitted from me opening up and sharing my story with them. I have some ideas to go about this but am still coming up with a way to do it. I am thinking possibly essay format posts similar to mine telling your story. Those writing about caring for someone could write about how they found out, how they reacted initially, why they reacted that way, what they are doing to deal with it now, and what they think should be different. The goal behind this would be to show the negative impact stigma's had and a care givers willingness and desire to help, but they don't know how because the stigma has suppressed information from getting out. The same goes for the people with a mental illness, wanting to get help but fearing repercussions. The format doesn't have to be entirely as I described and could be ended with a success story. Just ideas.

There is more in progress that I may be able to share later once I have more information.

I wish a good year to everyone out there. We will never give up hope.

E-mail: voices.for.awareness@gmail.com

Stigma in the Workforce

I am dedicating this blog to awareness about the stigma surrounding mental illness in the professional workforce. Whenever in public I feel this shadow cast over me because of what I go through on a daily basis. It's bad enough that I have the illness, and the stigma makes it worse. I've managed to fill in most of my family now and the reaction has been mostly tears and wishing they could understand better, not quite what I expected but welcomed. Next I want to get them involved with my awareness campaign.

I finally began feeling pretty secure at my job, no one even knew I had generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I was extremely productive, did something I enjoy, and had a team that accepted me for who I was, or at least presented myself to be, since I didn't share my battles. My battles with mental illness didn't need to be brought up though, and the team helped me learn more about myself when they didn't even know it. My illnesses are just that, illnesses, they never defined who I am. I began to better understand my anxiety better and my team helped me come to the realization that I needed to seek help.

I had dealt with depression before, but generalized anxiety disorder was new to me diagnosis wise and I had been brushing it off as something that would just pass over. I sought help, am glad I did, and slowly see myself beginning to get better. Seeing the doctor added a new diagnosis to my record and ended up resulting in unnecessary responses. I started my awareness campaign based on the negative encounters I had with people during college, the darkest of my days, hoping I will one day make a positive impact helping the lesser educated understand mental health better. In the past couple weeks my latest employer joins the motivation and passion I have to get the word out, just not in the light I had been hoping for.

I won't discuss any names or locations of people and places, but take this information and please realize those of us with mental illness are people too. We are just like those taking medicine for high blood pressure. We are not criminals, mental illnesses comes in different severities, and we can be quite productive. There is more information now, we are not the risk and threat people thought in the past. This post may be the only justice and awareness I can get out over my situation. I don't consider myself disabled; I don't want compensation over the situation; I don't want to sit back and let those responsible for this just get away without understanding. I want people to be aware so this doesn't happen to others.

My job that I had loved so much, that took 3-4 months before I finally settled in, gave me a reason to wake up each day. I was at last doing the type of work I wanted to do and with a team who formed a small family within the office. We had our own friendly little culture, joking, bringing food and sweets in. I am really going to miss them and what happened to me caused anger and tears among them too. This doesn't just affect me, but it impacts the group of people around me too. I ended up addressing them so they understood just how strong I'd become and that it wasn't my decision to leave.

There is too much power in the hands of the person that took my job from me. I should have been looked at for who I was, not the illness. Yes, if completely untreated, some of those worst case scenarios could happen. Did I have to be taken from my job immediately? No. I sought help so those worst case scenarios never saw any light. Is the workforce trying to promote hiding and covering up the inner battles we have? I really hope not, seeking help has been one of the best things I have ever done. After 7 years I finally have a medication and treatment plan that is working for me. I never gave up hope, and don't plan to. I have done extensive research and investigation into myself to understand why I have the illnesses I do. I may be getting closer, but something for sure is that I have finally learned how to better manage them.

Not only was my job taken from me, but I was then thrown into isolation. Someone with generalized anxiety disorder and depression need to be around people, not alone. We are people just like you.

More of us are starting to seek help each day. The numbers of people dealing with mental illnesses is coming to light as the years go on. One day there could be no one left to work if this stigma is allowed to continue on. Please look at the big picture and think before just pushing us aside. We are your best friends, your hardest workers, and those there for you in your time of need. Do us a favor and look at us for who we are just as we look at you for who you are. At least understand we are like everyone else.

Those of us dealing with mental illness will continue to seek help. We will not be deterred.

I remain hopeful to prove to people one day that mental illness is just that an illness. We can be productive, loving, caring, and successful. Give us a chance and watch us flourish.

Recovery and Seeking Help: Part 2

The last post I made was in regards to a step backwards progress-wise and my upcoming doctor appointment to try and figure out what is going on with me. That appointment was last Friday and I would like to reflect back on it, the outcome, and where I think I am headed in the future from it.

The core issues that I spoke with the doctor about - Other than essential tasks to survive, such as; going to work or the grocery store for food, arriving at an airport, etc - I find it nearly impossible to leave my home and do something. I get very nauseous, have trouble breathing, and am brought down to my knees. Panic attacks and anxiety overcome me most of the time and it takes everything in my to put a stop to them. Another issue is relapse of self-injury, although not nearly as severe as it used to be. Based off of these issues the doctor diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).

Generalized Anxiety Disorder is frequent/constant worry and anxiety over many different events. Anxiety can crop up for no reason even without hardly anything to provoke it. For anyone that wants more detailed information on GAD I will put a couple links at the bottom of the post. Just to include some of the symptoms though, all ones I experience, from the National Library of Medicine:

• Difficulty concentrating
• Fatigue
• Irritability
• Problems falling or staying asleep, and sleep that is often restless and unsatisfying
• Restlessness, and often becoming startled very easily

The idea is if my GAD can be treated perhaps the other issues will begin to clear up too. I really hope that is the case and am trying to stay optimistic. I feel there are other issues too, but need to take one step at a time and see where the GAD treatment leads first. I am comfortable with and trust the doctor I am seeing, something I didn't have in the past with psychiatrists. He focuses on the issues you tell him about and he wants to have monthly followups with me to ensure I am getting the best care possible.

The initial treatment plan doesn't involve any counselors. I have been prescribed Paxil (Paroxetine), an anti-depressant used to treat depression, panic disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder, to name a few. It's supposed to take roughly 1-2 weeks for the meds to actually start taking effect. Potentially 4-6 weeks  for depression to start going away from what I have read. In the meantime I am thinking about attending local National Alliance on Mental Illness support groups where I can share my experience with people like me. NAMI groups would also provide a way of asking about counselors in the area who care and are friendly, giving me the opportunity to include that in my treatment eventually.

So far there is not much to report since I have only been on Paxil for 9 days. The side effects were fairly severe when I first started the medicine: I was constantly nauseous and exhausted. The nausea isn't as frequent or as bad as it initially was and I was told all of these types of medication cause that. That likely explains the problem I had with Welbutrin in the past and its withdrawal. At least this time I understand what is going on and have someone who understands what they are prescribing me.

As a result I have started taking Pepcid Complete more frequently again and it seems to help. I might take it every 12 hours like I do when I get gastritis just as a precautionary measure. As for being sleepy, that is still an issue, but is a little more manageable. I do best on the weekends when I can take a nap whenever I want. I'm considering a switch to taking the Paxil before I go to bed and seeing if that helps.

I have noticed changes in my mood and appetite even though my mood and anxiety aren't cured. When I drive to work in the morning I feel a bit more relaxed now and my appetite is starting to come back. Before where I had to force myself to eat something just because I need to eat a small piece of lasagna now leaves me still hungry. Not only that, while at work I will start to lose energy and if I eat something or drink a soda my body starts to balance out again. This coming week I will probably try to get out and do a couple things and see if I am becoming more relaxed as I think I am.

Sleep has become slightly more balanced during the night, but still has some work to go. I am able to go to bed a bit early than I used to which is good for my work situation, although I wake up earlier. Both could be positive changes. The self-injury this last week also wasn't as frequent with the medication helping to balance me out. I won't post the self-injury details since they are irrelevant.

In the coming weeks I will post updates about how the treatment is going and follow ups with the doctor. I have a doctor who cares, I am comfortable with and a family standing behind me and supporting me through this. Not to mention I am more focused on myself this time. I've let people into my world, something I vowed I would never do 6 1/2 years ago, and it really has made a difference. I don't have to fight this alone this time around, and neither do you if you're out there struggling.


Note: I hope to return to youtube soon and haven't forgotten about everyone there.


http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001915/ (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad/index.shtml
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001037/ (Paxil [Paroxetine])
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/generalized-anxiety-disorder/DS00502

The Need to Be Yourself

Greetings everyone. Just Saturday was TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms) Awareness Day (link at bottom of post). If you didn't get to do anything for it it's not too late. Every day is awareness and support day. Before I get on to the main topic I have planned for this post I thought it would be worth mentioning I finally came out to some family about this blog. It is my hope that through the personal contacts I have I can answer the questions those closest to me have always had and spread awareness out through them as well. Those close to me have actually wanted to try and understand and be able to better support me, but until now I haven't felt ready. Time will tell how well this works out, but I feel it's an important step in recovery.

If I look back on the last 8 years of my life, more so the last 2 years, there is the theme of wanting to be myself. Who I am is caring, loving, and accepting of many different people and their cultures. I enjoy online games, music, and traveling to new places. Since I graduated college and began working I have lost the part meeting many new people and being able to travel when I want and to where I want. Most of all I've been trying to move on and focus on the future, completely forgetting about my past. Bad idea though.

The battles of yesterday make us who we are today. If we begin to ignore a major part of who we are then who are we? My effort to bury the past began with trying to satisfy employers for my career. While I am much better off now than I used to be 6 years ago, not being myself entirely is bringing back some of the problems. Not being myself has started bringing out anger and numbness on top of existing issues.

The way I've been stereotyped by employers and other people around me is why I went to such lengths to bury my past in the first place. I was ashamed and scared about what others think about me. I went to efforts to please others regardless of what it was doing to me. Until recently I really didn't realize how much that was negatively affecting me. Now I am in a situation I am not so sure I really want to be in.

Flashbacks to what I've struggled with are stronger than they ever have been. Relapse is closer than it ever has been if it hasn't even begun. Perhaps I am a bit in denial with what's going on right now. Did my issues really even go away though? I really don't know the answer and it's a bit scary. So even though I am better off now because I have grown up a bit and learned more ways to deal with my issues I am not the person I am and want to be. Being the person I am has almost become impossible, something needs to change.

Not being myself in return makes me even more unhappy. I am unsure about my job because I am unhappy with myself and not sure what I want. One of the most important lessons I am learning now is regardless of what others think you need to be yourself. This is something that I am going to need help with and don't think I can do alone. However, what is somewhat in my control is my career. I struggle to get out and about to meet people for a number of reasons, but not being myself also interferes with meeting like people.

I am now taking steps to be myself. This means embracing the issues I have struggled with and accepting what has already happened. I can't change what has happened in the past, and if the people I am around can't accept that then I can move on. I won't give up right away, but I have to focus more on myself. Going forward I want to be able to be friends with everyone and not have to hide who I really am. I avoided the swimming pool this summer because I feared what others would think of my scars. I've avoided doing simple activities that are around small numbers of people even and hope to be able to change this.

No one is perfect, so lets not act like it. No one way is the right way to live either. There are so many different kinds of people and cultures, that's one thing that I really like about the world. Some people have worse problems than others, mine is relatively small compared to others out there. We're all in this world together, whether we agree completely with everyone or not. Lets at least try to accept one another. 

To Write Love On Her Arms: http://www.twloha.com

Voices for Awareness does not have an association with TWLOHA.

Addiction and Destructive Behavior

Good morning everyone. Hopefully it hasn't been as hectic for everyone as it has me the past couple weeks. I've traveled, met some new people in the online realm of gaming, watched TV,  and picked up new music. Regardless I'm managing to get on top of everything and want to provide another post.

In my struggle to meet new people there is one key factor that gets in the way the most. That is maintaining the activities that I enjoy and finding similar people who accept those same activities. For example I enjoy playing video games, Massively Multiplay Online (MMO) games in particular these days. I used to play First Person games, but found I enjoyed the MMO scene quite a bit. There are a lot of people addicted to games to the point of playing 9 hours a day though and I get looked at like one of them anytime I mention to someone new that I enjoy MMOs. In another case there are members of my family who smoke. I have seen first hand through them how destructive smoking is, wouldn't start myself, and wish they could stop. However my experiences with self injury and depression have opened my mind up to the world of addiction, the destruction addiction causes, and how difficult it is to get out. I may not self injure like I used to, but the thoughts and cravings are still there.

I hope to open everyones eyes a bit more to what addiction really is, potential causes, affects, after affects, and even the stereotypes that result from ones behavior. There are several forms, the ones I will use are from either personal experience or family who are close to me.

The dictionary definition of addiction is:
Compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful - Merriam Webster

What this really means is that someone is hooked to something and doesn't have it in their own control to be able to stop or keep the activity in moderation at healthy levels. To quote Dawson McAllister, "if you could have stopped on your own, you would have already done it." I truly believe those words and my experiences will follow.

How I got into self injury in the first place I don't know. All I remember is that it was something I did on impulse to cope with the feelings I was having at the time. The details of how I did it, where, and all that information isn't something that needs to be discussed here, just that it started in the first place. I didn't know how else to deal with the feelings I had and self injury was there for me (see other posts on the blog for alternatives to self injury such as music, gaming, and friends). What was the underlying cause behind my mental health issues in the first place? I am still trying to figure that out, but as in earlier posts I tend to believe it was associated with darker aspects of my past. Did I want to stop? Partly yes, mostly no, I feared losing who I was and how I would deal with problems when self injury was gone.

In another case there is a member in my family who smokes. She started before people knew it was bad and became hooked. She has tried to stop before but always returns. Does she want to stop? I am not entirely sure, only she can answer that question. What I do know is that she can't stop on her own, regardless of what other people keep saying. I hear time and time again that she could just pick up and stop that she's not addicted. Then why if it's so harmful, she is in such bad shape, knows how bad it is, and tells others never to start, she won't stop smoking?

One last case I would like to share is someone who was very close to me and I still regard as a wonderful person regardless of what they are involved in. Prior to my experience with depression and self injury and knowing someone who was involved with drugs I was very much not informed about addiction and how separate it is from personality. I tried to get this person to stop doing drugs and at the same time tried to get them to stop several other things and the response I would get was "then what do I do?" This was a wonderful person caught up in destructive behavior trying to cover up the pain caused by deeper issues. I didn't have a good answer for them at the time, they had depression too, and this was their method of dealing with the pain just like my self injury. At this point I learned of my own addiction to self injury, what it really meant, and how it wasn't really much different from other behaviors.

What was the point of sharing these experiences? To show that addiction is deeper than "i'm addicted and can't stop" and the "you can stop if you want" responses a lot of the time. To begin combating addiction you need to start digging to the root of it, figure out how to move beyond the past. Those with someone close to them dealing with addiction, don't be hostile to the person, but don't provide the means to continue, and most importantly show the person that you love them, care about them, be direct and straight with them. If need be even help them get some counseling and let them know you'll be there every step of the way to help them if they agree to help and that they are going to be ok.

Just because someone is addicted or struggling doesn't mean they are a bad person. Like those with the common cold or go to the doctors for an illness, people with mental health issues or addiction are just the same. We are all the same, just dealing with different and more complex but not so well understood issues. Many people are addicted, but most need help to stop, to quote A&E's show Intervention.

Just because some people are addicted to something doesn't mean everyone else is either.

Expansion to Tumblr

To further spread awareness and provide support I have created a tumblr for my blog. The same content will be on the tumblr account that is on the blog here. I have done this as a way to reach more people.

I would like to use the active tumblr community as well to make some new friends and further develop my own support network. I believe I can get some more ideas for posts to make here as well to better inform people about mental health issues. I still intend to keep on my about once a week schedule.

http://voicesforawareness.tumblr.com/

Thank you to all the followers out there anonymous or visible.