I am dedicating this blog to awareness about the stigma surrounding mental illness in the professional workforce. Whenever in public I feel this shadow cast over me because of what I go through on a daily basis. It's bad enough that I have the illness, and the stigma makes it worse. I've managed to fill in most of my family now and the reaction has been mostly tears and wishing they could understand better, not quite what I expected but welcomed. Next I want to get them involved with my awareness campaign.
I finally began feeling pretty secure at my job, no one even knew I had generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I was extremely productive, did something I enjoy, and had a team that accepted me for who I was, or at least presented myself to be, since I didn't share my battles. My battles with mental illness didn't need to be brought up though, and the team helped me learn more about myself when they didn't even know it. My illnesses are just that, illnesses, they never defined who I am. I began to better understand my anxiety better and my team helped me come to the realization that I needed to seek help.
I had dealt with depression before, but generalized anxiety disorder was new to me diagnosis wise and I had been brushing it off as something that would just pass over. I sought help, am glad I did, and slowly see myself beginning to get better. Seeing the doctor added a new diagnosis to my record and ended up resulting in unnecessary responses. I started my awareness campaign based on the negative encounters I had with people during college, the darkest of my days, hoping I will one day make a positive impact helping the lesser educated understand mental health better. In the past couple weeks my latest employer joins the motivation and passion I have to get the word out, just not in the light I had been hoping for.
I won't discuss any names or locations of people and places, but take this information and please realize those of us with mental illness are people too. We are just like those taking medicine for high blood pressure. We are not criminals, mental illnesses comes in different severities, and we can be quite productive. There is more information now, we are not the risk and threat people thought in the past. This post may be the only justice and awareness I can get out over my situation. I don't consider myself disabled; I don't want compensation over the situation; I don't want to sit back and let those responsible for this just get away without understanding. I want people to be aware so this doesn't happen to others.
My job that I had loved so much, that took 3-4 months before I finally settled in, gave me a reason to wake up each day. I was at last doing the type of work I wanted to do and with a team who formed a small family within the office. We had our own friendly little culture, joking, bringing food and sweets in. I am really going to miss them and what happened to me caused anger and tears among them too. This doesn't just affect me, but it impacts the group of people around me too. I ended up addressing them so they understood just how strong I'd become and that it wasn't my decision to leave.
There is too much power in the hands of the person that took my job from me. I should have been looked at for who I was, not the illness. Yes, if completely untreated, some of those worst case scenarios could happen. Did I have to be taken from my job immediately? No. I sought help so those worst case scenarios never saw any light. Is the workforce trying to promote hiding and covering up the inner battles we have? I really hope not, seeking help has been one of the best things I have ever done. After 7 years I finally have a medication and treatment plan that is working for me. I never gave up hope, and don't plan to. I have done extensive research and investigation into myself to understand why I have the illnesses I do. I may be getting closer, but something for sure is that I have finally learned how to better manage them.
Not only was my job taken from me, but I was then thrown into isolation. Someone with generalized anxiety disorder and depression need to be around people, not alone. We are people just like you.
More of us are starting to seek help each day. The numbers of people dealing with mental illnesses is coming to light as the years go on. One day there could be no one left to work if this stigma is allowed to continue on. Please look at the big picture and think before just pushing us aside. We are your best friends, your hardest workers, and those there for you in your time of need. Do us a favor and look at us for who we are just as we look at you for who you are. At least understand we are like everyone else.
Those of us dealing with mental illness will continue to seek help. We will not be deterred.
I remain hopeful to prove to people one day that mental illness is just that an illness. We can be productive, loving, caring, and successful. Give us a chance and watch us flourish.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Recovery and Seeking Help: Part 4
Good evening/early morning. Recovery and help was on the upside at least for a couple weeks. My job was going well since I was doing the type of work I enjoy and have a wonderful team that is like another family to me. I don't notice as much change with the medication now that I have been on it over a month, but I tend to believe the medication is helping. My appetite is more consistently there and I am not as anxious about eating lunch or dinner like I used to be. The depression I have mixed feelings about still and am not entirely sure of the medication's effect, but it may be helping with that too. I intend to wait at least a couple months to see how I am feeling before I judge the depression too harshly.
The support groups I feel are going very well. I have been able to gather resources from others and share some of my own. I may compile I list of some resources I have gathered at a later date if I can find a way to make them non-attributable (most of them are, I just need to look over them again). I look forward to my groups each week not only because of the support, but I have made some new friends there too.
The past week however I have been rather overwhelmed. I am trying to grasp what my rights truly are as a person with mental illness. Last week my position at work was taken away from me due to actively seeking help, receiving medication, and attending support groups. I intend to investigate this and ensure what happened to me cannot happen to anyone else. Should I be able to share anymore details at a later date on this I will, but for now there is not much I can speak about due to legal reasons.
My job actually became part of my recovery process and now that it has been taken from me I am in a state of limbo. As a result I have experienced anger, depression, and thoughts of hurting myself. I am trying not to slip and instead stay strong, but it has been difficult as I try to manage myself, search for a new position, and ensure that my team at work is in good hands with whatever I have been working on.
That is all I can share right now as I am exhausted from what has been going on lately.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Recovery and Seeking Help: Part 3
Morning everyone. I hope you all had a good past week and a happy Halloween if it's celebrated where you are. Happy Holidays to everyone else around the world too; I know there are a few different ones being celebrated right now. Lets do a quick update, there have been some major accomplishments.
First off I have been on Paxil for roughly 18 days (not keeping exact count, but the last post was about 9 days ago). I think the medication is really helping this time around. Nothing is cured and certainly not everything has been impacted by the medication, but I feel there is a step in the positive direction.
My anxiety levels appear to be reduced. The first time I noticed this is when I realized I would be much more comfortable sharing my disorder with a second family member (my father). A few days later I made this happen. Sharing what is wrong with me was so difficult because I was extremely anxious about the reaction there would be. As I've said in the past though those closest to me are really who I want to have in the loop. I love my family and now both mother and father know about what's going on with me. Through my advocacy work and my own plan they are able to help support me better now.
Another situation to note is how I react around my co-workers. I've been in my position long enough to become comfortable with my co-workers and interact well. Where I struggle is going out to lunch with them. This has always been difficult; I eat very slow, don't have much of an appetite, and can barely get through just a part of my meal. Most of what I ordered ends up going back with me in a box. This past week though I went out to lunch with my co-workers and noticed that I was much more relaxed.
Based on those two steps I think progress is going in the right direction with the anxiety. There is still quite a ways to go, but I will continue to take everything a day/week at a time.
Depression wise I don't think there has been much difference if at all yet. I expected that would take more time and will keep working on that too. If I can recover from the anxiety though I feel I may stand a better chance at getting through the depression. I'll primarily focus on one illness at a time, while trying to keep the other managed, as to try and not overwhelm myself. The depression gets very overwhelming at times, but I have been able to call family or find someone online to talk with.
One last major accomplishment recently is that I have started going to National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) support groups. I would highly recommend getting involved with one if there is one around you. I am going to NAMI Connection "...a weekly recovery support group for people living with mental illness in which people learn from each others’ experiences, share coping strategies, and offer each other encouragement and understanding" - NAMI. These are located in the United States "as well as in Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia" - NAMI. Their site is also an excellent resource.
Is there anyone outside the U.S. who could recommend similar groups for others elsewhere around the world? Places around Europe, Asia, South America, Africa, anywhere outside the U.S. Other suggestions around the U.S. are also welcome, but if I could list some outside too that would be great!
It's hard to believe that I may finally be going in the right direction. If you asked me years ago when I first really started experiencing depression I would have said it's impossible to recover. Today I am starting to get a little hope and feeling like my illnesses are something that could be managed and/or recovered from. I will keep documenting progress and posting my ways of coping and recovering.
See parts 1 and 2 for where the recent chapter of my life and will to overcome all this began.
National Alliance on Mental Illness: http://www.nami.org
First off I have been on Paxil for roughly 18 days (not keeping exact count, but the last post was about 9 days ago). I think the medication is really helping this time around. Nothing is cured and certainly not everything has been impacted by the medication, but I feel there is a step in the positive direction.
My anxiety levels appear to be reduced. The first time I noticed this is when I realized I would be much more comfortable sharing my disorder with a second family member (my father). A few days later I made this happen. Sharing what is wrong with me was so difficult because I was extremely anxious about the reaction there would be. As I've said in the past though those closest to me are really who I want to have in the loop. I love my family and now both mother and father know about what's going on with me. Through my advocacy work and my own plan they are able to help support me better now.
Another situation to note is how I react around my co-workers. I've been in my position long enough to become comfortable with my co-workers and interact well. Where I struggle is going out to lunch with them. This has always been difficult; I eat very slow, don't have much of an appetite, and can barely get through just a part of my meal. Most of what I ordered ends up going back with me in a box. This past week though I went out to lunch with my co-workers and noticed that I was much more relaxed.
Based on those two steps I think progress is going in the right direction with the anxiety. There is still quite a ways to go, but I will continue to take everything a day/week at a time.
Depression wise I don't think there has been much difference if at all yet. I expected that would take more time and will keep working on that too. If I can recover from the anxiety though I feel I may stand a better chance at getting through the depression. I'll primarily focus on one illness at a time, while trying to keep the other managed, as to try and not overwhelm myself. The depression gets very overwhelming at times, but I have been able to call family or find someone online to talk with.
One last major accomplishment recently is that I have started going to National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) support groups. I would highly recommend getting involved with one if there is one around you. I am going to NAMI Connection "...a weekly recovery support group for people living with mental illness in which people learn from each others’ experiences, share coping strategies, and offer each other encouragement and understanding" - NAMI. These are located in the United States "as well as in Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia" - NAMI. Their site is also an excellent resource.
Is there anyone outside the U.S. who could recommend similar groups for others elsewhere around the world? Places around Europe, Asia, South America, Africa, anywhere outside the U.S. Other suggestions around the U.S. are also welcome, but if I could list some outside too that would be great!
It's hard to believe that I may finally be going in the right direction. If you asked me years ago when I first really started experiencing depression I would have said it's impossible to recover. Today I am starting to get a little hope and feeling like my illnesses are something that could be managed and/or recovered from. I will keep documenting progress and posting my ways of coping and recovering.
See parts 1 and 2 for where the recent chapter of my life and will to overcome all this began.
National Alliance on Mental Illness: http://www.nami.org
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Recovery and Seeking Help: Part 2
The last post I made was in regards to a step backwards progress-wise and my upcoming doctor appointment to try and figure out what is going on with me. That appointment was last Friday and I would like to reflect back on it, the outcome, and where I think I am headed in the future from it.
The core issues that I spoke with the doctor about - Other than essential tasks to survive, such as; going to work or the grocery store for food, arriving at an airport, etc - I find it nearly impossible to leave my home and do something. I get very nauseous, have trouble breathing, and am brought down to my knees. Panic attacks and anxiety overcome me most of the time and it takes everything in my to put a stop to them. Another issue is relapse of self-injury, although not nearly as severe as it used to be. Based off of these issues the doctor diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).
Generalized Anxiety Disorder is frequent/constant worry and anxiety over many different events. Anxiety can crop up for no reason even without hardly anything to provoke it. For anyone that wants more detailed information on GAD I will put a couple links at the bottom of the post. Just to include some of the symptoms though, all ones I experience, from the National Library of Medicine:
The idea is if my GAD can be treated perhaps the other issues will begin to clear up too. I really hope that is the case and am trying to stay optimistic. I feel there are other issues too, but need to take one step at a time and see where the GAD treatment leads first. I am comfortable with and trust the doctor I am seeing, something I didn't have in the past with psychiatrists. He focuses on the issues you tell him about and he wants to have monthly followups with me to ensure I am getting the best care possible.
The initial treatment plan doesn't involve any counselors. I have been prescribed Paxil (Paroxetine), an anti-depressant used to treat depression, panic disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder, to name a few. It's supposed to take roughly 1-2 weeks for the meds to actually start taking effect. Potentially 4-6 weeks for depression to start going away from what I have read. In the meantime I am thinking about attending local National Alliance on Mental Illness support groups where I can share my experience with people like me. NAMI groups would also provide a way of asking about counselors in the area who care and are friendly, giving me the opportunity to include that in my treatment eventually.
So far there is not much to report since I have only been on Paxil for 9 days. The side effects were fairly severe when I first started the medicine: I was constantly nauseous and exhausted. The nausea isn't as frequent or as bad as it initially was and I was told all of these types of medication cause that. That likely explains the problem I had with Welbutrin in the past and its withdrawal. At least this time I understand what is going on and have someone who understands what they are prescribing me.
As a result I have started taking Pepcid Complete more frequently again and it seems to help. I might take it every 12 hours like I do when I get gastritis just as a precautionary measure. As for being sleepy, that is still an issue, but is a little more manageable. I do best on the weekends when I can take a nap whenever I want. I'm considering a switch to taking the Paxil before I go to bed and seeing if that helps.
I have noticed changes in my mood and appetite even though my mood and anxiety aren't cured. When I drive to work in the morning I feel a bit more relaxed now and my appetite is starting to come back. Before where I had to force myself to eat something just because I need to eat a small piece of lasagna now leaves me still hungry. Not only that, while at work I will start to lose energy and if I eat something or drink a soda my body starts to balance out again. This coming week I will probably try to get out and do a couple things and see if I am becoming more relaxed as I think I am.
Sleep has become slightly more balanced during the night, but still has some work to go. I am able to go to bed a bit early than I used to which is good for my work situation, although I wake up earlier. Both could be positive changes. The self-injury this last week also wasn't as frequent with the medication helping to balance me out. I won't post the self-injury details since they are irrelevant.
In the coming weeks I will post updates about how the treatment is going and follow ups with the doctor. I have a doctor who cares, I am comfortable with and a family standing behind me and supporting me through this. Not to mention I am more focused on myself this time. I've let people into my world, something I vowed I would never do 6 1/2 years ago, and it really has made a difference. I don't have to fight this alone this time around, and neither do you if you're out there struggling.
Note: I hope to return to youtube soon and haven't forgotten about everyone there.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001915/ (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad/index.shtml
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001037/ (Paxil [Paroxetine])
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/generalized-anxiety-disorder/DS00502
The core issues that I spoke with the doctor about - Other than essential tasks to survive, such as; going to work or the grocery store for food, arriving at an airport, etc - I find it nearly impossible to leave my home and do something. I get very nauseous, have trouble breathing, and am brought down to my knees. Panic attacks and anxiety overcome me most of the time and it takes everything in my to put a stop to them. Another issue is relapse of self-injury, although not nearly as severe as it used to be. Based off of these issues the doctor diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).
Generalized Anxiety Disorder is frequent/constant worry and anxiety over many different events. Anxiety can crop up for no reason even without hardly anything to provoke it. For anyone that wants more detailed information on GAD I will put a couple links at the bottom of the post. Just to include some of the symptoms though, all ones I experience, from the National Library of Medicine:
- Difficulty concentrating
- Fatigue
- Irritability
- Problems falling or staying asleep, and sleep that is often restless and unsatisfying
- Restlessness, and often becoming startled very easily
The idea is if my GAD can be treated perhaps the other issues will begin to clear up too. I really hope that is the case and am trying to stay optimistic. I feel there are other issues too, but need to take one step at a time and see where the GAD treatment leads first. I am comfortable with and trust the doctor I am seeing, something I didn't have in the past with psychiatrists. He focuses on the issues you tell him about and he wants to have monthly followups with me to ensure I am getting the best care possible.
The initial treatment plan doesn't involve any counselors. I have been prescribed Paxil (Paroxetine), an anti-depressant used to treat depression, panic disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder, to name a few. It's supposed to take roughly 1-2 weeks for the meds to actually start taking effect. Potentially 4-6 weeks for depression to start going away from what I have read. In the meantime I am thinking about attending local National Alliance on Mental Illness support groups where I can share my experience with people like me. NAMI groups would also provide a way of asking about counselors in the area who care and are friendly, giving me the opportunity to include that in my treatment eventually.
So far there is not much to report since I have only been on Paxil for 9 days. The side effects were fairly severe when I first started the medicine: I was constantly nauseous and exhausted. The nausea isn't as frequent or as bad as it initially was and I was told all of these types of medication cause that. That likely explains the problem I had with Welbutrin in the past and its withdrawal. At least this time I understand what is going on and have someone who understands what they are prescribing me.
As a result I have started taking Pepcid Complete more frequently again and it seems to help. I might take it every 12 hours like I do when I get gastritis just as a precautionary measure. As for being sleepy, that is still an issue, but is a little more manageable. I do best on the weekends when I can take a nap whenever I want. I'm considering a switch to taking the Paxil before I go to bed and seeing if that helps.
I have noticed changes in my mood and appetite even though my mood and anxiety aren't cured. When I drive to work in the morning I feel a bit more relaxed now and my appetite is starting to come back. Before where I had to force myself to eat something just because I need to eat a small piece of lasagna now leaves me still hungry. Not only that, while at work I will start to lose energy and if I eat something or drink a soda my body starts to balance out again. This coming week I will probably try to get out and do a couple things and see if I am becoming more relaxed as I think I am.
Sleep has become slightly more balanced during the night, but still has some work to go. I am able to go to bed a bit early than I used to which is good for my work situation, although I wake up earlier. Both could be positive changes. The self-injury this last week also wasn't as frequent with the medication helping to balance me out. I won't post the self-injury details since they are irrelevant.
In the coming weeks I will post updates about how the treatment is going and follow ups with the doctor. I have a doctor who cares, I am comfortable with and a family standing behind me and supporting me through this. Not to mention I am more focused on myself this time. I've let people into my world, something I vowed I would never do 6 1/2 years ago, and it really has made a difference. I don't have to fight this alone this time around, and neither do you if you're out there struggling.
Note: I hope to return to youtube soon and haven't forgotten about everyone there.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001915/ (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad/index.shtml
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001037/ (Paxil [Paroxetine])
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/generalized-anxiety-disorder/DS00502
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Recovery and Seeking Help: Part 1
Fall is among us, the leaves are beginning to fall, and the temperature is beginning to drop outside. September was usually a month I could turn off the A/C and open up the windows. Place some fans and was good to go. Nice and relaxing to come home and just relax in a cool environment. This is also the worst time of year for me typically. Thoughts of what happened 4 years ago revisit my mind, although it's not as bad as a year after. Each year had seemed to get better, except this year I've noticed a little progress in the opposite direction.
I have not returned to when I was the worst, but I want to make sure that doesn't happen. There are steps I have taken to try and make sure this doesn't happen, one in particular, not stay quite as silent this time. I've initiated steps that are a little quicker than I would like them to be, but I think that's also part of my mind speaking against me. At the same time I really see that it's best to try and tackle this before it's too late.
So what am I doing differently this time around that I have learned from the past? First I've tried to admit to myself that there may actually be a problem. What the exact problem is I am not entirely sure, it could be a number of things, but my mood seems to bounce between extremes at the flip of a switch. Not only that, but there is also a fear of abandonment brewing and uncertainty what is going to happen if I lose full control of what I try to do to get through this. What I am trying to do to get through this is threefold, may be too much.
Admitting to the issue was the first step, but I realize I need to do more than that. I even need to do more than blog about my issues. I need to talk to someone about my issues, who though I am trying to figure out. There are a couple options I have in mind, some more appealing/comforting than others. I have set up a doctors appointment with the family doctor as a way to try and initiate the initial process of seeking help. He is the person I first saw six and a half years ago, and the only one I feel that understood me. I am hoping maybe he can point me in the right direction, and my family would really like to see me talk to him as well.
I told someone close to me in my family that something seems to be coming back. I did this for two reasons: I want people close to me to understand what is really going on, and maybe they can better support me and not be so judgmental towards others. The second reason is it gives something else to help hold me accountable. What I am struggling with a lot is fear of abandonment, because I really don't know how everyone is going to react, based on parts of my past. I am also really unsure what happens after my doctors appointment.
Aside from those steps I have been taking other steps as well to try and seek help. I have read online sources, listened to radio shows, listen to music, watch television, game, a variety of different activities. What I think may help me the most is a form of help online, or some other local options in my community I am still trying to explore. Those reasons though are why I think my approach may be a little too rushed, because I am unsure entirely what is going to work best for me. I don't want things to go in the wrong direction again and shutdown. Another fear I have is what impact this would have on employment, but seeking help should hopefully be viewed as a positive thing and it's very important to focus on your health above anything else.
Different this time for sure though, is that I am not completely silent like I was before. I want to maintain control of my life, and I have more tools this time around that I am aware of, many listed above. While I may be fearful I think that's all part of the issues I experience. It was just this year I really started trying to uncover problems I have dealt with and face them head on. I don't want to repress everything like I used to and I want to have full control over my life. Starting to face my issues may even be why I have taken a step backward. Something I know for sure though is that I want to stay committed and recover fully.
I have not returned to when I was the worst, but I want to make sure that doesn't happen. There are steps I have taken to try and make sure this doesn't happen, one in particular, not stay quite as silent this time. I've initiated steps that are a little quicker than I would like them to be, but I think that's also part of my mind speaking against me. At the same time I really see that it's best to try and tackle this before it's too late.
So what am I doing differently this time around that I have learned from the past? First I've tried to admit to myself that there may actually be a problem. What the exact problem is I am not entirely sure, it could be a number of things, but my mood seems to bounce between extremes at the flip of a switch. Not only that, but there is also a fear of abandonment brewing and uncertainty what is going to happen if I lose full control of what I try to do to get through this. What I am trying to do to get through this is threefold, may be too much.
Admitting to the issue was the first step, but I realize I need to do more than that. I even need to do more than blog about my issues. I need to talk to someone about my issues, who though I am trying to figure out. There are a couple options I have in mind, some more appealing/comforting than others. I have set up a doctors appointment with the family doctor as a way to try and initiate the initial process of seeking help. He is the person I first saw six and a half years ago, and the only one I feel that understood me. I am hoping maybe he can point me in the right direction, and my family would really like to see me talk to him as well.
I told someone close to me in my family that something seems to be coming back. I did this for two reasons: I want people close to me to understand what is really going on, and maybe they can better support me and not be so judgmental towards others. The second reason is it gives something else to help hold me accountable. What I am struggling with a lot is fear of abandonment, because I really don't know how everyone is going to react, based on parts of my past. I am also really unsure what happens after my doctors appointment.
Aside from those steps I have been taking other steps as well to try and seek help. I have read online sources, listened to radio shows, listen to music, watch television, game, a variety of different activities. What I think may help me the most is a form of help online, or some other local options in my community I am still trying to explore. Those reasons though are why I think my approach may be a little too rushed, because I am unsure entirely what is going to work best for me. I don't want things to go in the wrong direction again and shutdown. Another fear I have is what impact this would have on employment, but seeking help should hopefully be viewed as a positive thing and it's very important to focus on your health above anything else.
Different this time for sure though, is that I am not completely silent like I was before. I want to maintain control of my life, and I have more tools this time around that I am aware of, many listed above. While I may be fearful I think that's all part of the issues I experience. It was just this year I really started trying to uncover problems I have dealt with and face them head on. I don't want to repress everything like I used to and I want to have full control over my life. Starting to face my issues may even be why I have taken a step backward. Something I know for sure though is that I want to stay committed and recover fully.
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